Hi everyone. This is my first posting. <P>I have a problem that others might wish they had...my husband is handsome, outgoing, affectionate, well-educated (J.D. and Ph.D.)... and rich. Not filthy rich, but well-off due to an inheritance from his father. The problem is, he's been unemployed for the past three years, and refuses to apply for positions that are "beneath" him. Meanwhile, I've been working full-time while our two children, Carson (age 4) and Sophia (age 1) go to preschool/daycare. I want very much to go to part-time work or just be a SAHM for a while, by my H says I must work full-time to make ends meet and so we can have medical coverage. So my H has his days free, while I work full-time and our kids go to daycare (he won't take care of them during the day - he's too busy). He makes more money than I do by sitting on his ***.<P>My H pays for roughly 70% of our bills (rent, utilities, daycare, preschool, groceries - we have no debts and live rather frugally) with the income he makes from his investments, and I pay the rest. I also pay for the family's vacations. We share one small car and I regularly bike to work so he can have the car to do things with the kids. I am at the end of my rope with missing my kids - I've worked all my life, even after our first child was born, and I am realizing that if I don't spend more time with my little ones now, I will go to my grave regretting it. My H insists we cannot make ends meet unless one of us is working full-time - that one of us would be me by default.<P>My H has only had 1 job offer in 3 years. We turned it down because they couldn't guarantee health coverage (I was 3 months pregnant with our second child), and I would have to quit my job that has health coverage to relocate. Since he hasn't had another job offer, he blames me for turning down the job. He says, if I wanted to be a SAHM, I should have told him to take the first job. Since I didn't agree he should take it, it's my fault he's not working. I think he's being too selective with where he applies for work. After all, I too have an advanced degree that I'm not using because I decided that supporting my family came before personal satisfaction. he says if he takes a lower-status job, he'll be throwing his education away. I think he's throwing it away by staying unemployed!<P>Am I insane to be upset? Does anyone have a similar problem or have any advice for how I should proceed, or how to handle my feelings of resentment? I want to feel like it's OK for me to look for part-time work, even if my H does not agree to it, but that violates the Policy of Joint Agreement! But so does my working full-time! Ahhrrghh! help!

\<P><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 08, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 08, 1999).]

Thanks for your advice & support, HollyAnn. I am almost embarrased to report that I just discovered he had no idea how important spending more time with my kids was to me. The issue of my working full vs. part-time was not the problem - the problem was how we were going to afford a mortgage. He IS trying very hard to get a job, and I feel sorry for him that he may have to abandon his dreams in order to support us. But now I can see is is willing to support a joint decision for me to go part-time, and I don't feel trapped anymore.<P>Last night we reached a crisis point (a fight in front of the kids, which I am ashamed of). It began with some small matter and ballooned into a huge blow-out. We both became very entrenched & defensive and near the point of withdrawl, one of us even mentioned the D word, but thankfully we pulled ourselves together enough to calm down and talk instead of shutting down & withdrawing completely. It wasn't pretty, but we managed to get beyond the accusations and name-calling and reveal what our needs are to each other. I don't think this could happen if we weren't still in love with each other. Sometimes I wonder if I am in love with him, or if I just respect him as a friend. Then I realize respect is the important thing - if you don't have that, you're sunk. Love requires work to survive, doesn't it? I think so - maybe that's why everyone is so disillusioned thinking love is there and continues without effort.<P>My H revealed to me something I had forgotten - that a few years ago I had told him how important my career was to me, how happy I was at my job, etc. (this was before our second child was born). When I did ask him last year if I could work part-time, he said no because he assumed that would mean we could not buy a house, which is another big goal of ours. We have been able to talk more about solving the REAL problems - how to buy a home while allowing me to work part-time (getting creative on a budget). Now he sees that I am willing to negotiate, and we are beginning to see that the problem is not in each other, but is outside of us, something we can work on together.<P>Thanks for suggesting that I talk to Dr. H before confronting my H, who does have a very powerful personality (although he would probably laugh at that & say I am the domineering one!) I will definitely consider a phone appointment if and when we get stuck in trying to work on the joint agreement stuff, which sounds good but we can tell will be a huge challenge. I brought up the concept on joint agreement to my H last night, and he was very receptive, so I am encouraged. He agrees that the policy, had we followed it (I thought we had, but he says he bowed down to my wishes), would have prevented the blame-game we are in about his turning down the job offer last year, and my resentment about working full-time. So we are going to give it a try. <P>Can you tell me what book of Dr. H's has the details on how to implement the Policy on Joint Agreement? We could really use a how-to lesson at this point!<P>Many thanks -

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 08, 1999).]