My wife says she loves me, wants me to stay in our home, to be happy, content. But she's driving me away, and I've begun to think it's intentional.<P>I lead a solitary life, where adult companionship is concerned. I work in a small office, don't have the time or the network to make lunch dates or chat around a water cooler.<P>I spend the evenings preparing dinner for our children, playing with them, taking care of chores. Usually it's very late when the last of the kids is in bed, and my time is my own. Our oldest son, especially, requires my time, which is understandable. He wants me to join him in playing ball and other activities in which his mother, quite understandably, has little interest or experience.<P>Most evenings, when the children finally are asleep, my wife tells me she is very tired or doesn't feel well. Armed with the cover of her complaints, she then retires to the bedroom to read a book, go to sleep, or enjoy some quiet time.<P>I spend days, often entire work weeks, without seeing her more than 20 minutes when the children aren't awake and making demands. <P>My work is very demanding, but it isn't my life. I try to put in any overtime required by arriving early, and I try to be home no later than 6 or 6:30 each evening. I never work on weekends.<P>Unfortunately my wife has never learned to cook, and though she tries, occasionally, to have the children fed, at least, before I arrive home, they usually need something else to eat, even in those instances. Most evenings, if there is to be a meal, I prepare it. My wife hasn't prepared a meal for me in years, if at all. To my knowledge, she has never used our oven or stove.<P>My wife works parttime and seems to enjoy her job, but she finds afternoons with the children taxing. Usually she is ready to disappear for a while by the time I get home. I understand this need, but the net result is difficult. I cook for the children and do other small tasks while she is in the bedroom, trying to relax or take care of personal business. Half the time, or more, she hasn't even come downstairs by the time I've served dinner. Those evenings. I eat while watching the children and trying to make sure they are fed properly.<P>After dinner, I play with the children while she takes care of whatever chores have accumulated during the day. She doesn't enjoy being outside, so she seldom joins us.<P>Of course, I have my own chores, but these usually must wait until her work is done. She says she is unable to accomplish much while she is at home with the children in the afternoons, and she never has a break.<P>When I mention to her that my days begin very early and usually are extremely hectic, she offers no response or implies that I'm attacking her. Since she frequently has headaches, or other ailments, the responsibility generally falls upon me to respect her need for rest. Her temper is never far from the surface, and it usually is at its worst when she is tired, so conflicts between her and our elder son are common, almost nightly. Frequently her temper is directed at me.<P>We've been married several years, so I have tried many times to solve our problems. I've tried complaining. I've tried coaxing. I've tried to ignore her faults, to concentrate on her finer points (she is an intelligent, beautiful woman).<P>Our sex life has been sporadic, at best. During the course of our marriage, it has evaporated, frequently, for weeks, even months at a time. These dry spells seem as unpredictable as her moods, which change with a gust of wind. I become frustrated, hurt, occasionally angry. When she finally gets in the mood, I wonder whether her interest is sincere or merely charitable. Worse I worry that she is only willing to restore the sexual relationship when she fears that I have had enough, might contemplate leaving.<P>We live in an urban area, and there are many opportunities for recreation, but she always has been reluctant. She prefers to stay at home in the bedroom, reading and relaxing.<P>We've endured one separation, and it sparked promises that things would change, life would be better. But she quickly became bitter that I had left, and her anger has mounted over time. Whenever I try to raise any concerns about the conditions of my life, she says, "Why don't you just leave again, if you are unhappy here?"<P>Nearly every weekend, I spend at least one day caring for the children while she takes care of personal or family business, shops, or visits her mother. The other day is usually spent taking care of children's needs or doing work around the house.<P>My friends have stopped inviting me to social outings or athletic events. I was rarely able to attend. Most of the couples we know seem to have given up as well. While she often would agree to evenings with them, she always insisted on wrapping up the fun before dark, or shortly thereafter. She used whatever excuse she could find; the children, the weather, an illness...<P>The few outside interests I've tried to develop have met with her uniform disapproval. If I attend the symphony alone, though she has been invited and encouraged to accompany me, she reminds me for weeks that I had an evening out, something she is never able to have. If I leave the house to spend a couple of cherished hours at the library, she complains that she has been left alone with the children. If I encourage her to take an evening off, go to a movie with a friend, visit a bookstore, or attend a concert, she makes an excuse to stay home.<P>I am alone and broken. I don't know whether there is help here, but I needed to vent, and I appreciate the opportunity.

Drago,<P>Well after reading your post, I can certainly see why your feeling alone and broken. It seems like your wife isnt making much of an effort in helping your marriage grow strong. I know it gets really tough when you feel like your giving and giving and giving in a marriage and very little is given back. It can be a very unsettling feeling that can sooner or latter bring resentment and anger.<P> In fact I have been feeling like that myself in my own marriage. I have been married for almost 10 years, and there has been many times when I feel that my husband does'nt participate much with the family or with my life. I have felt alot that I have been the one keeping everything together and balanced the best I can and trying my hardest to keep a balance for a happy family. I have come to realize in my own personal relationship that my husband (by his nature)is quiet and sometimes withdrawn from family activities. Me and my daughter who is almost 15 years old,love him very much and have often wished he was more outgoing.I have to say that our marriage is strong. I would just like to encourage you to keep doing your part in being the best Dad that you know how to be. Continue taking on your role as a Good Role Modle for your children. Your children will grow to repect you and give back to you their love. There might be some underlying reasons why your wife isnt willing to give much time and attention to you or the kids. You may want to really try to communicate that you would like more closenss. Maybe she can change and will.Its something that you may want to bring to the surface and get your wife to see your feelings and frustrations about how things have been draging you down. Just hang in there, things can get better......Violet1 <p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited July 04, 1999).]

Just wanted to add that my marriage to my Husband is strong only because he has helped to keep a Healthy balance in our Family.Although he is not as outgoing as I would like him to be, he is willing to take part and be a part of family fun. He does enjoy his family. He is just a more reserved type of person. Finding a balance is really important in a marriage. You cant be the one doing most of the giving. ........Violet1

You wife sounds like a very selfish person who is very immature. I would be exhausted if I had to live your life! I am not very outgoing either but I would never treat my H like you are being treated. Have you read any of Bill Ferguson's books? "How to heal a painful relationship and if necessary how to part as friends" You can find it at www.billferguson.com

Dear Drago,<BR>I read your first post and recognized myself - at least who I was a few months ago, before my H and I had a major turning point in our relationship. You described me almost perfectly. I am an attractive, intelligent and introverted woman married to a wonderful, handsome man who contributes much of his free time to taking care of our two children. I LOVE my privacy and zealously protect my private time. I'm just not a social butterfly, and never want to be.<P>How wonderful that you are able to spend so much time caring for your children. I also work, but full-time. While my H does not work, he has been looking for a job for over 2 years & is involved in many community groups which keeps him very busy. He considers himself the luckiest guy on Earth to be able to spend time with our kids, and helps by taking them to school, making their breakfasts & lunches, getting them dressed, taking them to parties and parks, etc. Of course, since I'm the one with the job, this arrangement makes sense, and while I would switch places with him in a minute to spend more time with my kids, I sorely need any free time I can get. I DON'T agree with others who may insinuate that your wife isn't also working full-time -- she IS. She works part-time at a paid job, and then comes home to another half-day of work at home with the kids. So you are BOTH working full-time. I don't think you have a problem with the allocation of chores, rather you wish your wife was more loving towards you. We all need to feel appreciated! My guess is that although you agree to watch the kids so your wife can go out on her own, you resent your wife's free time. PLEASE start developing your OWN outside interests, and pursue them -- your wife has hers, you need your own. It's nice that you want to do things together with her, my H did, too - but you need to recognize that you need some free time to do fun things, and it shouldn't be contingent on her participation.<P>DON'T let her make you feel guilty for going out and having a good time IF she had agreed to it- I pulled the same thing on my H for years. I was refusing to take responsibility for myself & my decisions.) <P>My guess (and I am _not_ a professional) is that your wife is harboring intense resentment for your separation and the problems that led up to it, and is experiencing an increase in insecure feelings, which make her want to withdraw from the world even more. She is trying to deal with her insecurity by ignoring it, and ignoring you (going to bed early, avoiding sex, avoiding social activities). The longer she refuses to face her true feelings, and confront you, the resentment will continue to kill off her feelings for you. You might think avoiding an angry outburst would be a good thing, but if your wife is like me, the only way we could clear the slate and get down to the root of our problems was by my venting my true feelings. In the process, I was able to also express my true needs - and luckily my H was ready to listen. I realized that no matter how much I blamed my H for our problems, my lack of communication was making them even worse. After our blowup, I feel much closer to my H since he was ready and willing to listen to what I really wanted & needed from him in order to be happy. Before this fight, I was ready to call it quits...we had even become physically violent on two occaisions (both of us). So things were pretty bad -- but at least we hadn't totally withdrawn. <P>I know this is long and disjointed -- sorry. I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who have been there, and we managed to come through it with a better marriage and a closer, more intimate relationship. (The sex is BACK!!) I never thought I would be very interested in sex with my H again, but as soon as I trusted that my needs were being met, the passion returned like magic! Ask yourself, "Am I ready to meet my wife's needs, whatever they are, in order to have a better marriage?" If you can answer YES, you've got a great start!<P>GOOD LUCK!!!