Dear Anybody<BR>I've never talked to anyone on a computer before. I'm losing it here. I don't know what to do and I can't stop crying. My 25th Anniversary was June 29th. My husband left June 9. I read almost all the posts in this forum, it helps some to see others were able to get past this. I love my husband with all my heart, he says (angrily) that he doesn't love me anymore. Well actually he said "I don't love you anymore, Honey" Up until last night he would not talk to me at all, Avoids me, yells, walks away, what ever.<BR>I'm rambling here and I'm sorry, at times everything is so mixed up. Please somebody just talk to me. Everybody thinks I'm so strong but I'm not. I'm dying inside!! Well outside too. Friends try to help, but I really don't want to hear. "Take him for all he has!" I don't want ALL he has. He hasn't got anything. We were kids when we got married, both 18, all we have was not his or mine it was OURS. I don't think I have the strength to even care about the life we built without him in it. Even memories hurt.<BR>I,m going to sign off now. Somebody please just talk to me. I know I can't do this alone. Thanks MLC

MLC:<BR>I'm sorry your feeling so much pain right now. This is a tough place to be, I also am facing a possible divorce after 18 years together and although no one has left yet, it is in the future. I also have read alot of the posts here and it does seem like "time" is what heals. Your Husband could change his mind down the road and realize that perhaps he's made a mistake, but you can only focus on yourself at this point. Make sure you eat correctly and keep yourself up physically, and that tends to help you mentally. And perhaps try something you've always wanted to do. I find that when I'm stressed I get my comfort from playing my guitar..which I've done for 25 years now, and I think music works wonders for relieving stress built up. Alot of things can work, just whatever you'd like to do, and allow yourself to become passionate about it. The pain won't go away without the "time", but focusing on something else will help you endure this "time" needed for healing. My next passion will be getting a mountain bike and try 5 miles everyday and work up from there. I'm taking a few extra vitimins, because I tend not to eat when I'm depressed, and I think you just have to keep yourself healthy above everything else.<BR> People are always saying that I am so strong also.....I don't know if strong is what I think I am, but I do occupy my time with things other than the normal work stuff. I do feel alot of pain and mourning my lost marriage, but I will survive and as long as I can look around and find something beautiful about the day........life goes on!<P> Take care of yourself....<BR>

MADS,<BR>Thanks so much for reading my post. I'm really trying. I've been here before, the last time (12 years ago) I did the unthinkable and begged him to come back. I promised the world and to this day haven't got a clue what I promised him. He has never let me forget that I begged. I gave him all the power in our relationship. The last time I lasted 5 months (The anger) Then the desperate panic hit me like a ton of bricks and I hunted him down and begged. This time there's no rage, no defenses left. Everything hurts. Every little thing hits me right in the heart. But this time I can't do this again. I want him back with all my heart, I love him as much today as I did when we were just kids. But I can't and won't ever beg again. I read the book several people recommended on this site (LOVE MUST BE TOUGH) I didn't realize until I did that evn though Ihave not begged him this time I've pretty much done everything but. The one time he has agreed to talk to me he repeated over and over "I'm not coming back!" "I don't love you anymore" "Stop trying to control me" The book is right about that. I need to step back and fix me and walk forward. It hurts so bad but I think I can do this. I know I can't keep looking back. I'm so hoping that someday he'll get over his anger and walk with me into a new future. Sounds pretty cool. HUH! It's a bunch of blather. But he doesn't have to know that I'm scared to death and dying inside. <BR>I am so sad to hear you are in pain also. If no one has left yet, isn't there still some hope? Can you step back from there? Oh, I wish so much I had known about this web sight a long time ago. I left it way to long and now my chances of growing old with my chosen love are flying away and I'm frantic to get it back. Hind sight is 20/20. If you need someone to talk to I'm here. Thanks again for answering my call. I really appreciate it. You take care too<P> MLC

MLC,<BR>I just read both of your postings. Ballroom dancing is GREAT! I work alot of weddings and one thing that always impresses me are two people who can really dance together. Going with your daughters would be fun, because girls can practice and have fun with it at home. You mentioned that you have alot of friends, but don't really go anywhere, ec. Another idea that is fun that I've actually been doing with my 4 sisters now for about 15 years, and now I also do it with 4 close friends of mine as well, is put aside as a group of friends like $20. a month, have a bank acct. for just these funds, and then at the end of the year plan how to spend the money with a trip of a few days. Just to really pamper yourselves. (of course, these friends need to be close friends...especially if 5 women are sharing the same bathroom!) <BR> I read from you post under "emotional needs", that you have also dealt with the alchol addictions with your H. I'm not clear if alchol is still a problem with him or not, but this is certainly one drug that you can do nothing about. So if he does still drink too much, don't even worry about his problem. Just concentrate on yourself, and sure the pain is there, but I think we need to realize it, but not dwell on it, just keep trying to make yourself happy in other ways. <BR> I've told my H that I want a divorce at this point. He says he doesn't want a divorce......he says he still has feelings for me. But I think to myself he has a funny way of showing his feelings to me! I think what killed everything for me wasn't the drinking, or even the bad moods, and the constant critisizing, but the way he's treated my daughter. You'd have to know her to know what I mean. She's a wonderful girl and always was. She's always been the type of daughter where people always comment on how friendly she is to everyone. I know there can be kids that can be nightmares to stepparents..but my daughter was not that type of kid. She asked me a few weeks ago if I thought he would of treated her better had she'd been a boy! For all of my adult friends that know my daughter they all feel my H is a damn fool. And that is the one thing that has killed my respect for my husband. I don't think I could get that back. Perhaps if he would say to her that he was sorry, and that he wasn't fair, and that he really loves her, and give her a little part of a father, even if it's not a whole father. I have said this to him and he says he's not saying sorry because he's not sorry for anything. And I think I could of maybe understood it more if she had a father's love to go to. But all I can think of is how the male gorilla's will destroy the babies of any female coming into the family that are not theirs, that perhaps even with humans, without realizing it, will do the same.<BR> Let me know how your doing. Am thinking about you.<BR> <BR>

Mads,<BR>Hi again, I'm on the computer early today-normally at work. I have an appointment with a lawyer this morning. I've asked for a postponment of this divorce (disolution)they call it. What a quaint little word! Is that somthing like having a war and calling it a spat?<BR>Anyway, Drink is still a problem, has been since we were kids. My reactions to it are equally a problem. Well truthfully the problem I have with his drinking is pretty much gone. I still don't like it much and I think it will one day destroy him if he doesn't get a grip on it but I don't let it tear me apart anymore. I have been trying for months to figure out what was different now. We have always fought, there were alot of good times but we have always fought. Like I said before I always gave as good as I got. But then a about 3 years ago he got a DUI. Why he never did before is a complete mystery to me. Every car we have ever owned had to be secretly equiped with automatic pilot. How he could drive and be unable to walk is baffling. So he lost his license for 18 months I drove everywhere and he drove me nuts NUTS!!!! Not once did he take the responsibility for getting himself into that situation-he blamed the cop. His blood alcohol level was .29 I thought that would be dead!!!! I have been concerned that if his alcohol level is that high at night is he still above the level of "safe" the next day. Sometimes I think the truth is he's never really sober. I make him sound so awful! I'm sorry for that. He's really not. He's a nice guy, just not very nice to me. The more I think about it the more I realize its what I've done that has percipatated this final explosion. I'm not taking the blame here. (Although I deserve some of it).<BR>Anyway during the time he couldn't drive I found an escape that drove him nuts. When he would come home drunk or get to that point at home. I would refuse to be baited into a fight of any kind. It didn't matter what he said or did I wouldn't fight. This drove him batty. He tried everything and got nastier and nastier. It was really hard at first, but then I discovered I had the perfect weapon. MOBILITY. I would get in the car and drive to the beach, Not far, about a 1/2 mile. I would park at the beach, lock my doors and read until I was sure he was asleep. Escape? You bet cha! I don't regret it for that reason, I wish so much there was another way. Honestly I think its working, though I never meant it to be a strategy to help anything. Basicly I guess I was just shutting down, pulling back for self protection really. I would fight when cornered but mostly I abandon ship. I think now he's kind of at a crossroads. He blames me for everything, is furious, won't talk, filed for divorce right away. No time to think for him. I'm hoping that my leaving him alone will help him see I'm not the problem. I'm not there to blame. He really beleives that he can wave the dreaded "D" magic wand and POOF he's happy and has no responsibilities and life is just a fun place to be. I guess what I mean is I've sheilded him from all the ramifications of his drinking almost his whole life and now he's alone and there's no one to blame but himself. I already apoligised for anything I did. There was plenty too. I'll write again latter. My appointment is at 9am and I'm not dressed yet. Will check this post when I get back Bye for now<BR> MLC<BR>

I am in just about your same shoes. We have the OW romance thing going. H basically has thrown in the towel. Only attempts to see our kids on the weekend at his convienience. Am trying to move on and just not deal with him. Letting him feel the empty feelings that I have had for since mid May. Tecnically he only moved out two weeks ago. But the month before that was using our roof as a place to stay nothing else. <BR>Not sure if he still wants to file or what. He is staying with a guy in a 1 bedroom apt sleeping on the couch. That has to be fun. <P>Right now I just want take as much time as possible. No hurry on my part. It actually makes no difference. I'm happier since I don't know when he is out with the OW. The only thing that ticks me off, if he does not want me, I'm ok with that. However the kids are the ones getting a painfull lesson in seperation. They ask questions that I have no idea how to respond. Any support is appreciated.

asgrinne,<BR>How old are your kids? I'm in a position now that my girls are grown. It was so much harder back when they were little and he pulled this. As far as I know right now there has been no OW. But then there's always that left in his arsenal to hurt me. So I'll be ready (Yeah right!!) This BB is so cool, you can be as tough as you want and everyone knows your lieing thru your teeth. (GO FIGURE) Asgrinne, I have made so many mistakes in the way I have handled my life and the drinking problem, I couldn't begin to tell you the right answers. I do know the wrong ones. I hope my mistakes help you not to make them and regret later. First DON'T BEG!!!! If I could remove just one mistake from my life it would be that. I lost it all right there. He has never let me forget. (Like I ever would!!) For 12 years now I have heard "You promised Blah Blah when I came back last tim" "You haven't delivered" "I should never have given in last time, nothings changed" and on and on.<BR>I told him the other night the truth. I haven't got a clue what I promised!! I was desperate enough to promise the man I would lick his feet on demand, it didn't matter. I had no intention of living up to promises I made up as I went along. Panic does strange things to you. And what really is strange about the whole thing is I made him leave 12 years ago. Threw him out, bag and baggage. The straw that broke the camels back was my elder daughter was sick. We were both at work (we work at the same facility, though apart) My daughter's school called and told me she had been taken to the hospital. It wasn't THAT serious but I needed to go there. Anyway, I called H and told him, I told him he didn't really need to go with me. (Mistake there too) As we used one car to drive to work, when he declined to go saying -He wanted to save his vacation time- I agreed to drive back and pick him up at 4:00. I left work at 11:00 to go the hospital. I drove back to get him (about 20 miles) I waited and waited. He never came out. At first I thought he got a ride and couldn't get in touch to tell me. There's a little dive bar near work. I thought I'd just check there -just in case my watch was wrong and he missed me and decided to wait there. It had been over an hour. There he was at the bar. Niave as I am I truely did not question his being there. I actually felt bad that I kept him waiting. Anyway as we drove home I felt guilty and asked innocently "How long have you been waiting?"<BR>His answer blew the top of my head off. "I've been there since Lunch." 1/2 hour after I left. and he didn't want to WASTE his vacation time on going to the hospital but could go to a seedy bar. Thats it!!! Your Gone!!!! <BR>What started out as valid reasons for booting his butt out turned very rapidly into All my fault, No friends, No family-I'm very close to his family-mine are a bunch of wacko's(another story). I can't tell you what I went through the five months we were seperated. He gave me no money. NONE. I was completely isolated. Most everybody was clueless about his drinking. I helped hide it for years (another Mistake) Anyway, The rage finally subsided after 5 months and I was completely unprepared for the panic. I literally hunted the man down and promised him anything if he would just come back. I just knew it was all my fault and I would be the best doormat he could ever hope to have.<BR>This time I'm a little wiser. Just a little! I hurt so bad it's incredible that I can funtion at all. But this time I'm determined. I'm not going to let him do this to me again, or Us. I am not all to blame!! The road back to happiness (although sometimes I wonder if we were ever really happy)The road into the sunshine is straight ahead. I'm going there. I'm going to someday laugh and really mean it, I'm someday going to hug my love's neck and not wonder if he's in a bad mood today or if he will start a fight in an hour. He says he wants to be happy. ME TOO!! ME TOO!! I want so much for him to hold my hand and walk with me to that happy place. BUT, if he's not willing to go there with me I'm still going. Because truely to keep looking back will kill me.<BR>Another Big Mistake was just being ther to absorb the consequences for his behavior. My kids (God Help Me) saw so many things kids shouldn't see. No child should have to wonder why Daddy is sleeping on the floor, breathing so funny. No child should have to hear the horrible fights and accusations. No child boy or girl should see Daddy treating Mommy like dirt and her crying all the time, or even her fighting back as visiously as I did. No teenager should be worried about bringing home friends or when they do just saying "That's just my Dad, step over him!!" or "Wait, let me get Mom to make sure he hasn't fallen asleep on the toilet right there in the open!!" This is getting pretty long here, I guess its been so long since I had anyone to talk to that might understand that I get carried away. SORRY<BR>I write again<BR>Take care MLC