Hi,<BR> <BR>I've been married for 6 years, together for 8.<P>I know we had our share of problems, but she has recently told me that it's over and she doesn't love me like that anymore.<P>She says she needs time to find out who she is, and then maybe love me again.<P>This all happened in the last week, it started when she told me she wasn't coming home after her shift on Friday night, that she was going to a girlfriends house.<P>Right away I knew something was up.<P>I couldn't sleep at all. When she came home it all came out, she said she needed space and that, she wasn't going to give me anymore chances to change my ways. <P>I pleaded with her that I could change to be the best for her, it took alot of crying and pain by both of us to convince of this. I think deep down she does truely love me and will give me another chance.<P>The next night she does it again, doesn't come home after her shift. Her girlfriends neighbour is a man, and is going through a divorce or something with his wife, and lives there alone. Now I'm hoping my feelings are wrong and she is not seeing him.<P>I asked her if she was involved with this guy and she said no. Deep down I knew she lied.<P>The other day I bought her flowers to show her how I love her and don't want to lose her, because she is the love of my life, and I picked up an open envelope off the counter. I thought it was a bill.<P>Well it was an email from the neighbour guys wife, telling my wife to stay the hell away from him and her their kids. WOW.<P>So I asked again, what is with this... she admitted that the one night she was at her girlfriend house that she got talking to this guy and they broke down on each other and one thing led to another and they had sex. <P>I almost passed out right there.<P>She says it just happened, she doesn't love him. She says she is sorry for hurting me like this. I said I can forgive her and move past this ( I hope) and that I just want a chance to show her I can do anything for her and save our marriage.<P>She says she needs time and that she may come back to me , or she might even go to him, she doesn't know.<P>What the hell do I do here ????<P>I'm willing to work this out, and I can see glimpses that she does love me, however small they are.<P>Have I lost her... How can I win her back !<P>Now that she has been with this guy will she want him ? She always said I was the best she ever had.<P>She is the only woman I've ever been with, and I don't want to lose her.<P>It makes me feel if she goes with this guy, I want to kill myself, I can't deal with this pain.<P>My dad died when I was young, and I can't handle the loss of another loved one.<P>She says will always be friends, but I am totally in love with her, that's what I want, I want it all back, and to keep my family together.<P>Am I being selfish about this ??<P><BR>Please help me before I lose it completely.<P><BR>Thank you<p>[This message has been edited by PC (edited July 11, 1999).]

Hello PC, I don't know any better way to help, but to listen, and maybe tell you what I would do. <BR>I think it would be very helpful to seek counselling in your area. I know men don't prefer to do that, but it really does help. PC, it sounds to me that she is feeling the need to sow her wild oats. In other words, she is only curious about exploring something new. It may have nothing to do with you. Not that I think that it's ok. You are obviously a very caring, sensitive, man.<BR>Some women search all their lives for that quality, and she doesn't know what she has in you. I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. <BR>Do you have children together? Do you think she would go to marriage counselling if you were to ask her?<BR>Focus on what you can do to improve your life right now...not hers. Find your spirit. Think about what it was in the relationship, that might have been the contributing factor to her reasoning. She has gotten involved with this other man, and you discovered that he, doesn't want to be involved with her... it would stand to reason, that once she found out she isn't welcome in that relationship, she would come back to a "safe" place...<BR>which would be you. Is that something you can forgive? <BR>I can relate to that, as my husband left me, and moved into another womans house.<BR>My plan of action was to change my locks, pack, and move into another place, and move on. I didn't cry, I didn't chase, I concentrated on me, (and my kids) and when he got wind that I was doing that, he came back. But I didn't accept "I'm sorry" I wouldn't let him come back, as much as I wanted to...I waited until he decided that I was what he wanted. HE asked me, if we could go to counselling, to not dwell on the past, and move forward. I accepted.<BR>We are still together...we still have problems, (As you can see on my post in this forum) but we did get past the infidelity. You have to both want it.<BR>You can lead a horse to water.....<BR>I wish you the best, and I hope that maybe some little thing I said, helped.<BR>I am no expert on relationships, but I can be a good listener. Good Luck

Thank you WonderMom,<P>It's nice to know that there are people out there to offer a kind word.<P>I don't know about conselling with her, she says it costs too much money...<P>I send her cards through the email, but I never get a response.<P>I just want to take her in my arms and never let her go. She means the world to me.<P>I need to know how to get into her head to find out what I can do to reverse the damage I have done.<P>I will do anything for her if she will just let me in to her life again.<P>Thanks

PC, What damage YOU have done???<BR>Forgive me, but it seems to me, that she has wronged YOU! PC, sometimes love is not enough. As bad as you are hurting, right now, I would be willing to bet, that if the e-mails from you stopped, she would be right there, trying to find out why! <BR>It seems to me, that she knows you are right there for her, and is basking in that. <BR>Maybe there are circumstances I am not aware of, that you would feel this way, and you know what is best for you. <BR>I can't help but be angry for you.<BR>Please, PC, find some counselling, just for you. You seem like a guy that is TOO nice. <BR>Keep me posted, OK? <BR>

She has wronged me only through the neglect I have placed with her.<P>She has been warning me that I should take her seriously, but I never thought I'd pushed it this far. I should have told her everyday that I love her, and showed more outward affection to her.<P>I seriously realize that now, but for what good it will do, she has her mind made up, she loves me as a friend and thta is all for now.<P>I'm going to give her the space she has been asking for, she says she can't promise that she'll ask me back, but she didn't say she wouldn't.<P>I don't know if that is enough for me to keep going day to day, but I need the hope.<BR>I love her to death and want to be part of her life, but more than a friend.<P>It's like walking blind-folded across a 4 lane express way in rush hour, trying to get to her on the other side without getting hit.<P>And I'll do that if that will get her back.<P>I am not angry at her at all.<P>Will giving her the space to sort things out bring her around to see what a great guy she had, or should I just give up.<P>I don't know the answer.<P>Thanks for the response wondermom.<P>PC

PC, <BR>Telling your spouse "I love you" every day, is not what I would require, as a woman, although we do like to hear that once in a while, it is not a requirement of a lasting marriage. Now, actions, on the other hand, speak louder, and if you had been distant, and cold in actions, I could see how a woman might search for love elsewhere. I find it hard to believe, you were cold to her for all those years, just from reading your posts, which are laced with such emotion. The communication between you both might have been lacking, but infidelity is wrong. Plain and simple.<BR>You had vows, "for better, for worse"<BR>and if there was a breakdown somewhere along the way, it is not one's option, to break that vow, and be unfaithful. <BR>Just my opinion.<BR>Give her some space, and give yourself some time too. Try to keep busy, and focus on you.<BR>You might see that you will go through different stages, of emotions, and this is still so fresh.<BR>I'll be watching for your posts, PC, HANG IN THERE!<BR>

Wondermom,<P>I read with great interest your post and I would be happy to hear how long has your h been on his own before he returned. Also, did you retain contact when you separated?<P>Tara

Forgive me, but stop being a doormat. The fault is hers, no matter what the excuse...there is no reason for an affair.<P>------------------<BR>

Yes indeed!<BR>You shouldn't put up with her behaviour at all!<BR>It is completely unacceptable!<BR>Have you told her that?<BR>You really are being too nice. She knows she can always return to you after her affair is over, that's why she is behaving this way.<BR>I think if you want to keep her in your life,<BR>you must demand she STOP seeing him right now!<P>Anyone else with me on this?<P>It was the first thing I did when my wife did it to me. Well not the first thing I did, actually, the first thing I did was get very POed, angry and bummed out. I then discoovered this site- a godsend, <BR>THEN I demanded an end to the affair, and was prepared to leave her if she did not!<P>Hope this helps!<BR>Manufacto

Oh! and another thing......<BR>Don't let HER indicision confuse you, or control the situation.<P>She is confused, she wants to play around, and it seems to me, she knows she can return to you any time. That isn't what I would call a healthy relationship. <P>Maybe you need to make the decision for her!<P>Manufacto

You may want to post your story on the infidelity forum. There's a lot of support and help from others who are experiencing what you are. I'm sorry for your pain.

Hi Pc,<P>I guess right now you are feeling alot of different emotions. e.g denial, anger, sadness, regret etc. These are all perfectly normal and to feel better I am affraid you have to go through them all, they are not always in any order. You sound like you are in denial at present. You want to hold on to the glimmer of hope that you're wife still loves you. <P>I personally thing that abusing a husband/wife's trust is bad for any marriage but I also believe that there can still be hope after infidelity.<P>All marriages have problems, this is how we strengthen a marriage by sorting things out together as husband and wife. This shows we have a healthy relationship. (Anyone who says they never disagree are either not being themselves and people pleasers or are not in a deep and meaningful relationship therefore will not grow.)<P>I think that a couple need to work together if there is to be growth in their relationship and sort things out together. When one goes away on there own, then the couple are not being given the chance to sort things out together and grow together and learn from past mistakes.<P>I have heard myself my husband say many times. "He wasn't going to give me any more chances, I needed to change". The reality is that both people need to look at their own behaviour and take responsibility for their own behaviour. No one needs to change themselves just their behaviour. <P>When we are in conflict in a marriage both or one of the spouse will try to hurt the other. The person causing the hurt believe this will make themselves feel better. <P>Your wife may be or may not be seeing this man as you suspect. If she is it is more than likely not a serious relationship. It is (and I am only assuming), a escape from the problems in your marriage. This man is also probably using this affair with you're wife as an escape from his own loneliness and hurt from his own relationship with his ex.<P>You bought her flowers don't feel guilty about this, (you handed her an olive branch) you are human and you probably wanted to know how she would react. <P>When your wife was honest and admitted that she had had a one night stand with this guy it may have been very hurtful. I am not condoning this but what I will say is that at least she was honest. You were left hurt but at least you now know. When things are out in the open then they can be worked on when there are secrets no one can work on secrets.<P>I will not deny it is very, very hurtful to find out that someone betrayed your trust and went again their marriage vows. "Forsaking all others".<P>PC, you are a good man and you deserve respect and love. There is no doubt you are hurting badly but you are only bruised and not broken. You can sort this out. (These words are so harsh, I heard them from friends but they are never the less very true).<P>Wondermom is right, you need to seek counselling, this is expensive sometimes but you could go to a church and ask if they know of any charities which have counselling services. (When you go to counselling run by a charity they ask for small donation and if for any reason you can't pay they will never turn you away). If this is not possible then myself and the others on this board are always here to listen. If it would be more private you can have my e-mail address. <P>I would further try to grieve in stages, losing a marriage partner is like a close member of your family dying. You can't rush the grieving process, you're lost deserves you to give yourself time. I would set aside time to grieve alone but I would further keep myself busy so that I can grieve in stages. Spend time with friends, start up a project. <BR>Focus on yourself, cold turkey. Remove all of the reminders of you're wife for the time being. Put them in a box and store them away. Go away if it helps and spend some time away with friends. Do not sit and wait and put you're life on hold waiting for your wife to return. If she returns, you need to be able to decide for yourself. Only you will know if it is right for you to be together, you have to reach into you're heart and find the answer. It is true that emotional attachment is the main part of being married. If you can grieve and allow yourself time to focus on you then you will be able to make a decision which is right for you. Don't dwell on what you should have done and didn't, you can look at your relationship and admit that certain things could have been done differently but do not beat yourself up over what you could have done. It does nothing to help you. You must focus on your own character, if you're not patient learn to be patient, if you find it hard to trust people learn to trust people and so on but do this for you, not for anyone else. Do it because it makes you a better person. <P>No one is saying that you're wife won't come home but when she does you need to be able to decide for you what is right and not because you don't want to be alone, or fear the future, or feel guilty or sorry for your wife, or because you feel responsible for the whole thing. "It takes two to make a relationship work but it can only take one to damage a relationship".<P>Take responsibility for what you want to change about you e.g patience, ability to listen anything which strengthens you as a person. <P>Most of all realise you are amongst friends and you can ask us to listen whenever you want. <P>Take care, I will stop by soon and be ready to listen.<P>(I am no expert on relationships but i have been through this myself.)<P>Take care<BR>Theressa

PC, Theressa has some very good advice. I want to ditto her. <P>Also, to let you know that I've been where you are and have done the same things. The first week I beat myself up...it's all my fault, if I'd been a better w - better at this, better at that - he wouldn't have had the affair. Some of that may be true but it's not TOTALLY my fault. It took me awhile to realize this and to get it through my thick scull! I did not MAKE him have an affair. I did not shove him out the door (he moved out). That was HIS decision.<P>PC, YOU MUST REMEMBER, you are only responsible for how YOU feel and for YOUR actions. You cannot MAKE anyone else happy. Only THEY can make themselves happy. You can however communicate. <P>Something else, because I've been there, I know how rampant one's emotions can run. I was depressed and cried a lot. Even had a couple of anxiety attacks. I got a prescription from my dr. - in my case an anti-anxiety drug. Some on this site have had help from anti-depressants. From some of the things you have said, it's sounds like you would benefit from some meds. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a proponent of drugs but I know that it helped me and my spiralling emotions.<P>PC, a far as talking to a professional, what is your marriage worth? If you can't swing talking to a counselor why not call Harley's radio show and talk to him. That's free and a toll-free number. I've done that. It was quite a problem because the show is 2-3p CT and I work but I got through the first day I called. We have been going to a Christian counselor who gives us a special rate when we meet at a church and only on certain days.<P>You will find yourself going through those steps of grieving that Theressa spoke of: denial, guilt, etc. There are many stages and it may take awhile. Hang in there.<P>PC, what you must understand is that your life is not over. Look at yourself in your mirror every morning and tell yourself: "I'll be ok. I'm a pretty good person. I like me, I like me." Then, if you are a believer, say "Ok God, it's up to you. I leave this mess in your hands. And give me the peace and strength to get me through this." And then step back and let Him handle her and you! Only He can make a difference. <P>This was the most difficult event I've ever had in my life. I would not be able to handle it without my faith in the greater picture. And again, it took awhile before I was able to turn loose.<P>Take Theressa's suggestion and read everything you can get your hands on and read everyone's posts. Absorb everything then use what applies to you. <P>Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love and care for you.<P>God's blessing and peace to you.<BR>Tina

Thanks everyone,<P>I appreciate all the help <P>Here is a little update on the situation ;<P>I made the decision to move to my mothers to give her some space.<P>That weekend she dropped off the kids so she could go to work. I was a little suspicious, so I took the car and drove by to see if she was at her (boyfriend... I guess) house, she wasn't... so I drove home and our car was parked in the parking lot, so I went into the house and she was there with the guy.<P>So I freaked out, luckily for him he ran out the door because I would have killed him, I caught her totally by surprise, I demanded to know the truth, she admitted that they have been intimate more than that once, she didn't want to tell me because she did'nt want to hurt me.<P>So I left, calmed down, and have been talking to her regularly.<P>When she came to pick up the kids I had a real heart to heart talk with her. She says she is confused, she loves me alot, but not the way she should, she loves her boyfriend the way she used to love me. So she says she is torn between us.<P>What do I do ? I'll never get over her I'm head over heels in love with her.<P>She says she has felt this way since our last child was born, I don't know about that, we've been so close since then, are these excuses to make it alright in her head or what???<P>She says in time, like a year she may love me like that again, or she may not.<P>This is ripping my heart out, I can't sleep hardly eat, think of her all the time.<P>I wish it was a bad dream and I could wake up from it.<P>I'll wait as long as it takes. When I talk to her I can see in hers eyes that she does still love me alot, but it's like she has built this wall up around her and all I'm doing is pounding my head and heart off it.<P>Do I wait for her... sometimes I think I can move on but I just can't, she has my heart.<P>Please help me ...

Pc, <P>I know you are hurting alot right now. I am so sorry that you're wife was having an affair, but please remember you have done nothing wrong, and at least you know now. There is nothing worse than not knowing. Nothing I or anyone else will stop you hurting but we are all here for you.<P>Do me one big favour and follow my advice. Take all of your wifes things and pack them away. Allow your self to grieve. Cold turkey - do not speak or see your wife for a while. (Seeing her will do you no good) You need to start to grieve but in stages. Try to set aside a time which may be at night to grieve (the stages are denial, anger, sadness, hate, regret - you will go through them in no set order but let them happen) during the day stay amongst people and keep busy. Don't be worried about crying in front of friends. Start a project, paint the house do anything to give you a break from grieving. Do not dwell on what could have been, or what you could have done. Do not go over old photos of how it was put them away also. It doesn't help to go over everything.<BR>Just mourn your loss. Cry, rip pillows whatever it takes. Eventually you will be able to look forward but concentrate now on getting through the day. To help you sleep pick up a meditation tape from the department store and listen to it before you go to sleep. Exercise is good, go down to the gym and let all your anger come out in safe environment. It is okay to look at yourself and think "Yeah I did that" but don't dwell on what ifs or could be's. <P>This advice may sound harsh but you can do it you will survive. I heard this myself and boy its hard to hear! but it is true. Believe me you need to know that you are letting yourself down, if you don't believe that everyone is able to survive. Go away to see some friends if it helps. Believe me 90% of the hurt when marriage break up is the emotional dependency we have, Once you get used to surviving for yourself, it does get easier. I promise. In a year or two you may want to takes some of the photos and put them in your album as memories but don't think about that now. <P>Don't wait for your wife to come home, concentrate on you. She may not come home but if she does you want her to come home to someone who is strong enough to start again. Don't beat yourself up. Adversity is what makes us grow so you will get through it.<P>Just take each day at a time. We are here for you. I don't know if this helps but I here if you need someone to listen. <P>Take care Theressa.<P>I don't know if there is a future for you and your wife but right now you need to focus on yourself. I suggest you go and visit the infidelity posts as others may be able to give you some advice.<P>Remember you are not alone and you can e-mail me any time, you only need to ask.

Tara, In response to your question, My husband was gone for a period of about 9 weeks, in and out, in and out. When I decided to move, is when he made his choice to work on our relationship, and we did, for the next year or so. <BR>This man is my second husband. In my first marraige, my husband told me he just didn't love me...and left when my first born was 14 mo. old. He didn't come back, he remarried. I stayed alone with my son for 3 and a half years before I met this man. We met in 93, and I didn't marry him until 97. We had a baby girl together in 94. It was the merging of all our children (5) that was a big source of our stress, but we are still working on things together now.<P>Theressa: Well said !!!<P><BR>PC, Theressa is right. It is ok to have all the feelings you have, but don't let it take you over. Take care of U!!!!<BR>I'll check in soon, PC, my heart goes out to ya.

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by [censored] (edited July 30, 1999).]

Another update ...<P>Lets see.. I went away with the kids to the cottage this weekend, partied with all the cousins and stuff... got loaded, went for long walks, really cleared the crap out of my head so to speak.<P>So now I feel I am on the fence, I mean I can go either way, I go to her if she decides she wants me back, or I'll go ahead if she doesn't.<P>I think she has a lot going on inside her head that she won't share with me. I wish I could help her, but that only seems to annoy her...<P>I heard her on the phone with her boyfriend, they had a fight already and she hung up on him <P>Maybe there is a chance there somewhere ...<P>I don't know if I'm staying attached to her because I love her so much, or maybe I'm affraid that I'll never find anyone else like her again ?<P>I think most men would walk away, but I'm cursed with a terribly big heart, I have so much love to give her, if only she would see that <P>She told me that she didn't think that I loved her that much <P>Any advice out there, should I stick it out for awhile or drop it altogether. We do have 3 young children to think about as well.<P>Thank you all for your help, it makes this a little bit easier to handle

Hi PC, I'm glad you gave your self some time...that is the best thing you can do. Keep yourself busy, and surround yourself with all those things you enjoy.<BR>Just remember, for the kids, that they are much better off, with one, happy well adjusted parent, than two miserable ones. <BR>Take care of U!<P>