My mother recently informed us all that she has chosen to live an alternative lifestyle. She has been divorced from my Dad for 21 years and from my Step-Dad for 6, and is now living with a woman that is 21 and she is 53. I am totally disgusted by this as she has always told us this was wrong. But I have realized it is her problem and that I will not tolerate her exposing my family to this relationship. My husband still refuses to make this decision and is disgusted to just be in the same room with her, the stress is really taking a toll on our marriage. I am at a loss of what to do or how to handle this. I have run out of words and am just ending up really hurt. Any advice would be helpful at this point. Simply put she is still my parent even though I don't like her lifestyle does not mean I have to dislike her.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Sincerely, Rosie<BR>

Rose, What exactly are you asking? I don't think I have a problem with "alternative lifestyles", but how long has your husband had to work throught this? Pretty big issue to work through quickly. What exactly do you want from your husband? Just for him to tolerate your mom being in the same room, or something more? Acceptance of your mom's decision may never come. Is it needed? Should it even be asked for? You love her unconditionally, she's your mom. She's his MIL, a somewhat tenative relationship in alot of marriages, then heap on a major lifestyle change on top of that. It sounds like your having a tough time dealing with this too. I would give him some time and not push too hard right now. I don't know what I'd do if this dropped into my lap. <BR>Good luck, Mike

Mike, Thanks for your advice! I just want my husband to simply tolerate being in the same room with her without having to deal with him pitching a fit later. The last time he was around her and her "friend", it took 4 days of complete misery before he would finally talk to me and quit taking it out on me. I can only take so much without starting to take it personally. I have not accepted mom's lifestyle at all and probably never will, but I can tolerate being around her and her "friend" without becoming unbearable. Afterall I am not exposed to it in anyway, so I honestly don't have to acknowledge it at all-Thanks Again<P>------------------<BR>Sincerely, Rosie<P>

Rose, I am sorry that your H feels the need to dump on you for your mother's choice. He should understand that even if you disagree with your M's choice, you still love her. What if one of your children is gay? It would have nothing to do with your mom. How would you feel about that child? Hopefully, in time, he will become a little more understanding.<BR>Mike

Rose,<P>Your husband is clearly uncomfortable with this situation. And the way the two of you are handling it is putting a huge strain on your marriage.<P>Time for two "techniques": first, the rule of complete honesty. You need to listen to your husband's objections and feelings about your mother---even if they are extremely negative. You need to listen without "lovebusters"---angry outbursts, demands, and disrespectful judgements. Your husband should try to share his feelings without lovebusters to you---you must understand that his "loathing" of your mother is no reflection on you. You cannot take it personally.<P>You should also be completely honest about this situation with your husband. He should learn to listen without lovebusters too. Just as his loathing of your mother's lifestyle isn't a reflection of you, it's completely inappropriate for him to hold you responsible for it.<P>After you have talked about this, the next technique to use is the Policy of Joint Agreement. When it comes to your mother, you must come up with a plan that has a mutually enthusiastic agreement between both of you. It's got to be a "win-win" thing. If your husband "refuses" to go along with what you want, you both need to try to negotiate to a "central" position that you both support. This could mean that your husband doesn't see your mother, but you still visit her. Or that you both visit, but her friend isn't present. Try to come up with a solution that appeals to you. There are sections in the "Concepts" and "Q&A" areas of this website on the rule of complete honesty, the POJA, and negotiation. Read these for ideas.<P>Remember that you chose to marry your husband. You should put his feelings before that of your mother, and the two of you should be dealing with this as a team.

K- THANKS SO MUCH!! Your advice really was the first that I have heard and had it feel workable at the same time. I truly am going to try that when the girls and I get home from vacation day after tomorrow. I agree that I chose to marry my husband, and this has truly has to be one of the hardest situations I have ever been in, thanks again and God willing we will get past this as well.<P>------------------<BR>Sincerely, Rosie<P>