We have a disagreement, which is <BR>kind of complicated, and my <BR>husband and I can't seem to find a way to agree. <BR>I have one son from my first marriage, he has 3 (boy,girl,boy) from his first, and we have one little girl together. When we married none of his kids lived with us, but did come down to visit every summer. One year ago, the youngest son was invited to "try it out" for a year, to see if he liked it here. The year has passed, and he said he didn't want to stay. His father talked him out of it, and told him he as better off here. So this boy went back to his Mothers for the summer to visit, and is supposedly going to come back Aug 1. Here is my problem:<BR>We moved into a new home the beginning of last summer. We knew at that point that his son would be here for 1 year. We chose this house because it had a very large bedroom, suitable for both boys. My son had always had to share his room in the past, and so we found this was such a large room, my son would not be so invaded. There is also a small room, for the baby girl, and a guest room for the older ones and/or company.<BR>We don't know if my stepson will come back, but as I said, if he does, he will be staying another year. My husband feels that each child should have his own room. I have no problem with giving this boy our guest room, but my husband thinks that in order to avoid a fight betwen the boys, having the large room that my boy is in, he wants to change the largest room to be the baby girls, and put the boys in the smaller rooms.(One of these smaller rooms is slighly smaller than the other, and painted and decorated for a baby girl) The largest room, is painted and decorated for boys. The spare room is neutral.<BR>I think shifting the two kids around in their home, is absolutely ridiculous, in order to accomodate his son.<BR>My husband says my boy is spoiled and used to getting his way, and if he is allowed to remain in the large room alone, this will convey the message to his son, that my son is only getting his way again.<BR>My husband and I are at each other about this. We need help!

What I suspect your husband's real issues are not that your son is spoiled, but that he is not showing his son a special place in your home - and afraid his son does not feel like he is as permanent a fixture as the other two kids in your home.<P>I suspect it isn't about the size of the room, or decorations - because both rooms can be made to be cute. But, it could be that the larger room represents the "priority" in the home.<P>I am sure you are trying to make this fair for both boys - because you want peace and want both boys to consider this their home. And I'm sure your husband would say that this is what he wants also, is for both boys to feel good about this being their home, regardless if one is less committed than the other.<P>You could say the person who ends up in the smaller room can have it decorated in their style - (you don't want anything distasteful, so you want to select some items as choices that you already approve of, right?) - and then ask the boys if it would be a conflict over who got the new room. If it would be a conflict, explain that you would like both boys to feel like this is their home, and do not want to make someone feel left out. Then you could let them pick numbers or something like that, and the child who picks the correct number (or what ever game you play) can choose which room he wants, and the one in the smaller room gets to help you pick the decorating theme....<P>Would your husband see this as fair?<P>

Wondermom,<P>I totally agree with trustntruth, children and teenagers need to feel wanted. Each child wants to feel special. What trustntruth said about the rooms is an excellent way to teach these boys about making choices. It is good to have your own space when you are growing up, I agree. I think deep down that it is hard with step children because biologically we feel we want to do the best by our children but I am not sure if this is true of step-children. I think naturally you are going to favour your son gets the best and vice-versa for your son so its a good idea if they choose themselves.<BR>You could ask them who would like to have the big room and who would like the smaller room decorated this is a good idea. If you find they both want the big room then you say okay. I would then make a partion in the room so that they both stay on their own side of the partion. You would have to be creative with this idea, e.g they would have to decide on times for playing music or having friends around but it could help them to bond together as brothers.<P>Keep me posted. Children are hardwork I know but I have yet to find out about teenagers. Who knows I may need your advice soon. I also suggest you visit http//:www.parent.com to get some more ideas.<P><BR>Thanks<BR>Theressa

Thank you both, I agree with you, and wanted to find a fair and equal balance, but now things have changed, and my stepson has let his return ticket go. He is choosing to stay up north with his mother, brother and sister. This issue about the rooms, was not introduced to any of the kids, but was a discussion between my H and I.<BR>This particular boy, has chosen to stay there, because he is allowed to run, and has no structure or responsibilities there. We feel that we have done the very best we can. <BR>We have just the youngest here now. My son 9, and our daughter 4. I feel that now is our opportunity to work through our problems, concerning our differences in parenting techniques, and many other aspects worth addressing. <BR>Thanks. I'll be back!<BR>