Seven months ago, my mother came to my house to voice her "concerns" about the way that we were raising my daughter who was 1 year old at the time. They got into an argument, it offended my wife and she kicked out my mom. They still are not speaking and my wife still expects me to cut off all ties with my mom (not to see her or my daughter) and when I do see my mom, my wife says that I am disrespecting her and taking my mom's side. My mother recently sent her a card to say that she was sorry that she hurt her feelings because they tried to hash this out over the phones a few months ago and it didn't go well. I am tired of these demands, it was a mistake and I have repeatedly made it clear to my mom to stay out and she has promised that she would never do that again. My wife is aware of this, I am just ready to move on. We have gone to counseling because of this and my wife has dropped out and I go by myself. My wife thought the card was a ridiculous jesture and still won't budge on her position. I feel stuck and like I have no rights.

I am very concern about your situation. Maybe you could talk to your wife that your mother was doing it in a good deed. She might not want to interfere and she did apologize. Don't make your W feels that she has to compete with your mother to get your attention, but your W also should understand that that woman IS your mother and the grandmother of your children. I know that this is kinda tricky but with a good deeds from every parties involved I believed that everything can be repaired. Beside, all this argument came because of love. Your wife and your mother love the same person. Good luck!!<P>Saskia

Thanks for your reply. This stuff has really caused alot of emotional distress for me. I have nearly talked my head off to my wife about this she is extremely stubborn and temperamental and unfortunately my mother and her are very much alike. My wife only lets me and my daughter visit her once a month for a few hours, but I need more. I need to be able to just say "hey lets go visit" like I used to. My wife has ALOT of "problems" that she needs to deal with and counseling probably would have helped but I know she quit because she felt that her issues were starting to surface and she didn't want to go there. She feels that I don't love her or respect her because I am friendly with my mom. I wish that she was close to her family, but she isn't. Her family are like aquaintances, they never talk or do anything together, so she doesn't realize how it hurts me when she doesn't want me to be with my family. It has now spread to my whole family--she has a reason for disliking every member up to my grandparents. She thinks that they are prejudice to her because she is Hispanic as well as her son and that they don't treat the kids as equals. It is a constant battle for me day in and day out -- one minute she is happy and the next she is verbally mean, upset and calling me every name under the book. It sure is hard.

It's difficult, isn't it? Does she already resent your family before you got married? Does she have any trauma dealing with your family?<P>I had (and am still having) hard time with my H's family cuz they are richer than my family, they never knew the term of 'don't have any money' and few things they have done were quite hurtful to me...anyhow, I love my H very much and to love him is also trying to (at the very least) like his family. Fortunate for me, my MIL is one of the sweetest and nicest woman/mother hence she had made things easier for me to love and respect her. However, everytime H's family planned to go on a trip together, I keep on having 'butterfly on my stomach'...so we came into an agreement, that we would go to his family trip once for every 2 occasions and we both are happy with the arrangement. I won't have to see them too often and H wouldn't lose any contact at all with them <P>Maybe you could dig out deeper, what is really her problem with them.<P>Saskia

Thanks for writing back. My W and mother really got along pretty good until the argument happened. My mom has always supported us and even worked part-time to help babysit. Even giving us money when we were short. My W would sometimes buy her little gifts, etc. It's just that she alledgedly has had a horrible childhood. She told me before that she was sexually abused as a little girl by her grandfather and resents her own mother for it and the way that she grew up. Alot of baggage here!!! That's why she doesn't have a concept of what it's like to have a close family which is the source of support and love. My family has all of that to offer her. She told me that my mom was the closest thing to a mother that she had and that is why she feels abandoned and betrayed. She is an angry woman. She was angry when I met her and she is angry right now, she swallows it down and when it comes up, I suffer!! This is her second marriage, I think she has been paranoid from the very beginning and I try to tell her that I'm not going to hurt her, that she is safe and secure with me. I'm just getting to the point now where I am considering suggesting a separation or something and maybe fighting for custody of my daughter. If she would just let go and enjoy life, things would be much better for everyone. By the way, check out my other recent post under "emotional needs".<p>[This message has been edited by txfiddler (edited July 21, 1999).]

I think that you need to arrange things so that your mother and your wife are put into the same room and that they have to sort out their problem. (I know it sounds harsh but it is not your problem it is theirs, they are adults) You may have to do this in secret (this is not being dishonest just helping two people you love). You have every right to love these two important ladies in your life. Your wife and mother had a quarrel then its not your problem it is theirs and they should sort it out. You say your wife has had a difficult childhood, my husband also had a difficult childhood he was put into a childrens home when he was 7 years old. His father beat his mum every day for about 6 years. My husband was four when his father was thrown out by his mums brothers. I felt sorry for my husband for along time and I would be passive and just take everything because I felt I could take all the hurt away. However, I now know I couldn't and I was actually eating away at my own self-esteem) My husband's mum has eight children (one is handicapped) she has had some life. My husband was bitter for along time because when he was eleven his mum had another child. My husband was still in the children home even though he was told it was only going to be originally for a few years. After the few years he was told his mum couldn't cope with any more children, so he'd have to stay in the childrens home. When he first went to the childrens home his mum and the social worker told him he was going for the day out and they took him to a great big house (It used to be a stately home) to a 7 years old it was scary. They took him inside and told him to play for a minute whilst they spoke in an office. After sometime he wondered where they were and so he went to the window and he saw them drive off in the car they had come in. His mum never even said good bye. After this his mum visited once a year. One of those years she didn't even turn up and gave him no explanation. I used to hate his mum for all of this, I now know that perhaps this was an escape from at least one problem in her life. My husband sees his family every week now. The thing which hurts my husband most is that if ever he ask his family to mind our daughter they make excuse but my family always help us. He helps his family lots however, we separated at the end of last year because things got too much for me. Do you know that he had no money and so his sister said on Monday I'll lend you some money (My husband has at times left himself short and helped them) when Monday came no money, Tuesday, Wednesday no money. He came over to my house to see our daughter and I asked him to stay for tea, I asked him how he was coping and to my surprise he told me what had happened. He said he knew now why I in the past had told him not to be too free with helping them out because they never help him. He said you're right. <P>Coming back to spouses pasts. I realised after counselling (I also went alone that I was causing myself all the grief because I was allowing my husbands past to run my life.<BR>(Eventually my husband went alone for a few sessions) I decided during counselling that I need to become assertive and stop being a door mat. I figured that I couldn't let my husbands past run our future so I stopped letting myself use this as an excuse for letting him walk all over me. (It was up to him to sort out his skeltons in his cupboard in his own time when he thought it was right. not me) I began to sort out my own life and look after me. I grieved alot and really missed my husband but I knew that I had to regain some respect. I left things as they were and continued counselling. I realised I feared being alone and so I put up with what came along, secondly I felt guilty for all my husbands past and hurt. I realised I felt good because others would see how I was suffering by helping my husband (but really I was destroying my self in the process). A few weeks later my husband came to see me and asked me if I missed him I said I was confussed and unsure. He said he was sure and really missed me and wanted me to allow him to come home. I felt elated inside because for once I was in control of myself and guilt and fear were not ruling me. I said I'd have to see how things go. I had now realised I had some control of our relationship's destiny. It took courage but I began an assertive course to help me to gain my self-respect back. I remember my first class I had a list of ten things I really wanted to be able to do. The biggest was to let my husband no that I had a right to his respect. <P>Here is a list of assertive rights:<P>1. I have the right to state my own needs<BR>and set my own priorities as a PERSOn independently of any roles that I may assume in my life.<P>2. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.<P>3. I have the right to express my feelings.<P>4. I have the right to express my opinion and values.<P>5. I have the right to make mistakes<P>6. I have the right to say "Yes" and "NO" for myself.<P>7. I have the right to change my mind<P>8. I have the right to say "I don't understand"<P>9. I have the right to ask for what I want.<P>***** 10. I have the right to decline responsibility for other peoples problems <P>11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.<P>Please especially read right number 10 which is marked with asterix.<P>Some simply word changes:<P>Change from: Change to:<P>Can't Won't<BR>Should Could<BR>Have to Choose to <BR>Need Want<BR>Know Imagine<P>(Change the above words when appropriate, don't say you can't do something when really you it is you won't do it.)<P>Also try using "I" when you are talking with your wife. E.g I feel hurt when you say that, I feel sad when you say that, I want to be with you, I imagine things could be different if we could talk. <BR>(Using "I" instead of "you" makes speaking less defensive and less blaming so don't say "You make me angry, You make me feel hurt.)<P>Assertive communication gives respect to the person you are talking with and self-respect to you. <P>It takes practice but so does anything useful!<P>I imagine now that, you are feeling like I felt, lost, resentful and angry and confussed. This is perfectly normal, what you need to do is begin to clear your head so start using "I" words and in a respectful way tell your wife you want to sort things out and you want to stop all of the arguing and be together as a couple again. Tell her you do not want to fight because you love her but you also do not want her to speak to you the way she is shouting and calling you names. You should say "I am hurt when you speak to me like that, I will leave the room if you keep speaking to me like that, I will return when you want to speak to me civilised. <P>This is hard work but gaining your self-respect and whilst still respecting others is the only solution. It has saved my marriage. I still do lots of nice things for my husband but I make sure that I am also receiving nice things back.<P>Note you do not have to separate from your wife like I did to sort things out. I realise that now. You just need to start being assertive.<P>Speak to you soon. You can do it and yes one person can sort out their marriage. <BR>Take care<BR>Theressa

Theresa,<P>I copied and pasted your 'Assertif Right' and keep it inside my folder. Thank you. I just realised that I really need them.<P>I've heard someone wise said : I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.<P>Saskia

Well, now I have been basically accused of having an affair on her!!! It seems like once or twice a month we get wrong numbers. Believe it or not, sometimes a woman call and asks for me whom I do not know. They have always called while I am at work and she as at home (that's what she tells me). She called me at work and said "You're in trouble, some girl named Ashley called for you" I told her I don't know anyone by that name. "Then why did she call and ask for you?" I kept professing my innocence, she got very upset with me and told me that if I was cheating that it would be a good time to confess. She was as cold as ice and all I did was kiss her [censored] to make her feel better, I even changed our phone #. She has been asking me for the past several months if I would tell her if I were doing something. I find this upsetting and very strange. I said "Are you having an affair?" She said no. She said she has been putting two and two together and it looks like I'm cheating on her. People, this is driving me nuts!!! For some reason I am sensing that she may be paranoid about something, like maybe she is feeling some sort of guilt and trying to feel better knowing that if I did something then we would be now even. Makes sense?!?

tx,<P>that makes sense BUT a hormonal imbalance would also making sense.<P>How old is your wife, by the way? Some women in my office talked that after 30 usually women could get hormonal imbalance. She could become very grumpy and things are never right in her eyes. There's a medication for this. I sometimes felt that I get crankier a week before I got my period. I easy to feel upset, becoming impatient and feel overly sensitive about anything. My H's comment on a girl that posed topless in a magazine could already trigger a preach for me about sexual harrashment, family value etc etc. I realised this, but sometimes I can help it. The only thing I can do is to keep my mouth shut so I won't nag too much but H usually will notice this because I looked almost upset all the time and also because the calender said that my period will be due <P>Hence, don't jump into conclusion too much. Asked her kindly, express your concern without being judgemental or disrespect. Use the word 'I' like 'I feel confuse if you are acting this way', 'I feel hurt if you think that I would be cheating on you', 'I love you very much and you knew it' and regarding your Mom, 'I love you both, do you want to discuss it again in meeting her' <P>Good luck<P>Saskia

Saskia,<P>I am glad you found the assertive rights useful. I have found them invaluable and especially the changes of words to more appropriate ones: i.e Can't changed to won't and need to want. It is quite amazing that by changing a word or two that you can sound more self assured and confident about what you want.<P>I totally agree with your statement "I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become".<P>I recommend you read the book "Did you say something Susan, by Paulette Dale". It is $19.99 in US Dollars and £19.99 in the UK which includes postage and packing. The book gives many examples and has a questionnaire at the front so you can start increasing your assertiveness in the areas you want to deal with at the present time.<P>The most extraordinary thing I have learnt is that you have choices. You can choose how to act instead of reacting to given situations.<P>I have along way to go myself until I reach full interpersonal strength. I am told no one is ever assertive all of the time or in every situation. There was a lady who was a barrister and she could give other lawyer a good defence but she could never return lousy food in a restaurant.<P>If you would like any further information, don't hesitate to ask. I enjoy helping others, I know what it is like to be passive/ non-assertive. <P>Hope to speak to you soon. If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them. <P>"There is always something that someone else know that you don't yourself."<P>Thanks<BR>Theressa

Tx,<P>I do not believe you are having an affair. <BR>I do believe as I have said before that your wife is insecure and her insecurity is controlling her thoughts. Hence accusing you of having an affair. Believe it or not but at times we all try to convience ourselves that when things are not right that they are actually much worse than they really are and we can all sometimes sub-consciously convince ourselves of things even when they couldn't possibly true i.e your wife saying you're having an affair without proof. (I guess that is one thing all humans have in common - conviencing ourselves so we feel better).<P>I do not know if a lady has rang your home but if she has it could be that this person has a crush on you, you may have only spoken to the person once or twice, just being friendly and this person may be lonely and decided to look up your number, it could simply be a wrong number. Or it could be that your wife has made the whole thing up. This again is to control you, using guilt and fear. The guilt is what you will feel even if you haven't done anything because your wife is actually trying to convience you which will make you feel guilt even if you are innocent. The fear is some of yours and some of hers. Her fear is that you may get fed up of all this and leave her, or that she fears you don't love her any more and this is away to attract attention from you. Your fear maybe because if others believe this about you having an affair that they may think badly of you and you wouldn't want that. (Dr Harley's has said many times that whilst a couple are in conflict there is still hope - when a couple are in withdrawal e.g Withdrawal - there is no reaction, in your case there is a reaction, it is easier to sort things out. I said easier and not easy. However, even in withdrawal there is still a little hope.<P>You say you're wife became upset when you professed you're innocence this was probably because she had convienced herself so much that it must be true that you've had an affair, that when you said it was not she was frustrated and angry. Angry at herself because she feels insecure and also angry because if it was true at least she would be able to blame you for something. (Insecure people blame other people for their unhappiness because it is easier than taking responsibility for the problems in their own lives. If one is unhappy with themselves, they find faults in another to show the other person that there own faults are not that imperfect.)<P>Your wife is probably usually a lovely women this I am sure of because this is probably what made you fall in love with her in the first place. However, you can become insecure at any time during your life or relationship, it can be a phase, it could be due to a unachieved goal in your wives own life which may or may not have anything to do with you. <P>As for you beating yourself up emotionally about taking all of this and as you put it "kissing her a-s" this is a perfectly natural reaction, you were trying to reassure her. I<BR>I suggest you tell your wife the following: <BR>"I love you and I have not had an affair, I cannot control what you think or feel but I did not have or never have had an affair, I do not know if a girl called Ashley phoned our home, but I do know that I have not done anything wrong and I do not know who this Ashley is, if at any time I do want to be with any other person, you will be the first to know, right now I am in love with you and no one else." Try to stick to the point and do not allow yourself to feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. <P>I further do not think you're wife is having an affair, I feel that she seems too insecure with herself to start up an affair. (This is only my personal opinion.) <P>Saskia could be right about you're wives hormones. I myself have PMS which effects women about one week before their period begins. I do not agree that women over <BR>30 years old all have hormonal imbalances. <BR>I think it depends on the person. It could<BR>be depression that makes a person feel out of control, weepy and sad and unhappy. (Depression can only be dealt with by a doctor who may prescribe some counselling and sometimes medication). <P>It is further true that any woman who is coming up to her period is usually crankier and more sensitive due to the release of hormones. <P>I think Saskia has some good points in her last paragraph about not jumping to conclusions and asking your wife kindly, expressing you're concerns without being judgemental or disprespectful. Using I words is excellent and will make your wife less defensive. What I described above is a good way to put things. <P>I still stick by what I said that you should be allowed to love both your wife and your mum and should never be asked to choose either one. As I have said it is their problem and they should both sort it out.<P>I am not an expert but all that I have said has come about after alot of counselling, reading and self experience.<P>I do feel that you should work on one thing at a time. This may sound contradictory but you must first make it clear in a respectful non judgemental way to your wife that you are not having an affair.<BR>Secondly when you have done this you should do what I have suggested before "stop being a door mat - this may sound harsh but it is what me you and others have been and sometimes still are).<P>You need to start being assertive, this will help you and you're wife in the long run.<P>I will speak to you soon and don't hesitate to post here if I can help anymore or even if you want to just get something off your chest and you just need someone to listen. I am here.<P>Take care<BR>Theressa<BR>

Theressa and Saskia,<P>thanks sooo much for the list and the wonderful advice. I have to say that you and Saskia are genuinely helpful to say the least and I have slept better at night!! Our counselor has told me that she believes since my wife has grown up in a chaotic, unstable environment that she probably feels the need to create one whenever she is in a stable environment. Hence, the rollercoaster way of life. Things go pretty good at home, my wife isn't used to stabilization, then BOOM a crisis happens and the race is on. I truly believe that my wife is eating this thing up when it comes to the situation about my mother. I have decided to take action and confront my W about this one last time, I think that I need to lay the cards out on the table. Please tell me what you think about this: First, speaking with her about this is extremely hard because she will immediately go off on me. How about writing her a letter explaining my desires?? Is that good or bad?? I would like to convey to her that I cannot make a choice between her and my Mom, that I love her greatly, I expect not to be spoken to in the manner that she does, and show her the "assertive list" for BOTH of us to live by, I feel that it's important that she go with me to marriage counseling instead of me by myself. I plan on doing this when the weekend comes so I am preparing myself for what I don't know. After all is said and done, if she refuses (like she has in the past) to agree to anything I'm going to tell her that I will be visiting my mother WITH my daughter regardless of what may come and leave the ball in her court. She has threatened to leave me before because of this and tried to kick me out of the house numerous times and I always backed down and stayed home. Now I'm gonna see what happens if I go visit anyway. Thoughts?!? PS (I am really having to pysch myself up for this, I'm too young to have a messed up life!!)<p>[This message has been edited by txfiddler (edited July 26, 1999).]

Tx,<P>I think that your counsellor is right about some people hence your wife feel on unsafe territory if everything is going well. I find that with my husband if things are going well he will criticise me or say something nasty or sometimes he may start telling me I don't appreciate him. I think that those like my husband and your wife do this because they feel they are not controlling the situation. They may feel that they are loosing their authority. If they cause some chaos then they have the ball in their court. This is as I have said before part of their insecurity.<BR>I fully support your decision to speak to your wife about the situation with your mum and her. I do stress though that it is their problem. I would suggest saying something along the following lines.<BR>"I love my mother and I miss her. I want her to be part of my life. I also love you. I appreciate that you have had a disagreement with my mother. I further appreciate that you may not want to bother with my mother. I feel I want to go and see my mother on a regular basis. I do not want to miss out on sharing apart of my life with my mother. <BR>I love you very much but is unacceptable that you want me to choose. I am going to go and see my mother tomorrow."<BR>This above statement is stating clearly that you love both you wife and your mother but you are not prepared to choose. You are stating that you appreciate that your wife may not wish to see your mother and you respect her choice. You are stating that you wish to have your mother in your life. You are stating that you find it unacceptable for your wife to expect you to choose between two of the most special ladies in your life. You are stating to your wife you are going to go and see your mother and you are saying when.<BR>Your wife may react in way to make you feel guilty. You have said your piece in a calm, respectful and defintely assertive way. After you have made the above statement you must walk away and make sure you follow through and go and see your mother. It is hard but if you are going to help your self and your wife this is what you must do. Do not discuss this any more with your wife. Do not allow her to stop you going to see your mother. If your wife tries to talk to you about this just say I have stated what I want and what I am going to do giving respect for you and for myself, I do not wish to discuss this any further. Then walk away. (This may sound harsh but in the long run it will help believe me!) If you follow the above your wife will find it hard to go off at you. If she interrupts start the sentence again. Do not make any excuses just be firm. Do not raise your voice and take deep breaths. You can do it!<BR>I would speak to your wife in person because sometimes letters can be miss understood. However, if it is not possible for you to face your wife then write the above statement in a letter can be effective. You still have to stick by what you have said though. The assertive list is very effective. <BR>It is an excellent idea for your wife to go to counselling with you. I would however, take one step at a time. Your priority is sorting out this problem with your mother and wife so do the above first.<P>Your Goals:<BR>1) To sort out the problem with about going to see your mother.<P>2) Show your wife the assertive rights list. Stick on the fridge or on the wall.<P>3) Ask your wife to go to counselling with you. "I love you and want to sort out our relationship. I am not prepare to go on the way things are. I feel we need help to sort out our relationship. I won't carry on like we are." <BR>Keep going to counselling on your own in the mean time. Asking your wife to go to counselling is hard I know. However, you both need to sort things out if you are going to have a happy healthy relationship. If your wife refuses to go leave it for a while but keep practicing being assertive. If you give me your e-mail address I would be happy to give you my notes of the techniques.<P>"Assertiveness training is a life long journey but every day you get better and better."<P>You say your wife is threating to leave you, believe me she'd be gone by now if she was. My husband is always saying he is leaving the truth is they want you to beg them to stay. This help them feel good. This is her insecurity at work again. If your wife asks you to leave, leave even if it is for only a few days. Do not tell your wife you are only going for a few days. Let your wife ask you to come home. This is hard but you need her to start respecting you. <BR>Your life won't be messed up if you sort things out now. You deserve to be treated with respect. Taking risks is part of growing as a person, you take risks when crossing the road, you take risks when you learn a new thing. You will experience taking risks everyday of your life. It may seem risky to you telling your wife you are going to see your mother but it will be worth it, you'll see.<P>FIVE TRUTHS ABOUT FEAR....<BR>1) The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.<BR>2) The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.<BR>3) The only way to feel better about myself is to go out and do it.<BR>4) Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I am on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.<BR>5) Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.<P>If your wife leaves or asks you to leave are you affraid of being on your own? This might sound harsh but the fear is natural and it will hurt you less than if you stay and do not sort things out. It may sound odd but you are experiencing fear and pain everyday now, the fear of not knowing what will happen. Don't be affraid of being alone, you will survive, you are stronger than you would ever imagine. In order to grow you need to allow growth, you can't let other run your life and you can't let them threaten you and mess you up with their insecurities either. You are unique and important and deserved to be treat with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.<P>You have my support, I will stop by soon to find out what you want to do.<P>Take care<BR>Theressa

Truthfully I have one fear about this whole thing: losing my daughter. She's only 1 1/2 years old and the center of my universe. I can't stress how important she is to me. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to wake up in the morning before I go to work and sneak in her room and steal a kiss while she is sleeping. Or to come home at lunch everyday and see her running up to me waving, saying "Hi, Daddy!" Hers eyes sparkle when we see each other, she is truly a daddy's girl. There would be so many things that I would miss out on and I can't let my wife steal that from me!! If only she could see that she is stressing everyone out over this ordeal!! If my wife asked me to leave, as I had mentioned before, I would now go. I'm not afraid of being without my wife, just afraid of missing out on my daughter's life. I would have to fight for her. My e-mail address is txfiddler@hotmail.com. I think I may have to change my screen name here cause we will soon have access to internet at home again and this is one of her favorite sites!!! (Imagine that-her favorite site!!) By the way, Saskia mentioned something about possible hormonal imbalances, she is only 24 going on 3 and I'm 28 (29 in a couple of weeks) going on 89 yrs. I think it is "Cosmopolitan, 90's girl" plague. I will follow through with my plan this weekend and give an update. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi TX & Theresa,<P>Sorry for unable to reply earlier. I've been quite 'busy' in the infidelity section lately. If you click on my sunglasses you could see that I am still struggling with the impact of H's affair. So please bear with me...<P>I am glad to be of help, TX. Seemed that Theresa had said everything I would like to say and I agreed with her. Maybe it'll be helpful if you could make your wife see that she is a mother too and this will happen to her too in the future. It'll help to have the 'right' situation to support a nice conversation. Pillow talks or during a nice dinner outside. Hire a baby sitter to watch your lovely daughter. Keep on emphasizing on how you love her.<P>So, she likes to come here? Good!!! Maybe you could lightly ask her to join the forum. But if she does not want to, well at least you know that she is lurking and listened. maybe she is still struggling with something you don't know. I am 25 going to 26 and I found this site very insightful and full of great thought. It taught a lot more than I think I would ever learn and it avoided me for making mistakes.<P>Good luck!!

TX & Saskia,<P>I myself am 25 and my husband is 28 going on 29 in October. <P>I am a little confussed and so maybe you could help me. I went back and read Harley's basic concepts. I felt I needed to if I was going to help others who were posting and help myself.<P>It may sound funny after me advising everyone else that my current relationship is alittle rocky. So here goes: I know what are my needs and I am sure of my husbands needs. I am aware there is some anger in my relationship and there are angry outburst and disrespectful judgements. I've picked up some terrific advice this week thanks to you guys some things I am starting to sort out. I am unsure about fulfilling each others needs in marriage. I'll explain: Last night I went home and my husband was home. He works away some of the week, he is a truck driver, this week he went to work on Monday morning and didn't come home until last night. It may sound strange but I don't mind him staying out, it gives me time to do things I want to on my own. Anyway I wanted to talk to him, because as I've said in other posts, this is a great need of mine. I've receive some great advice on how I can get that need fulfilled by some people on this forum. However, last night my husband was tired and wanted to relax, I wanted to talk because I hadn't seen him this week much. He went for a bath and I made tea. (I generally run the house single handed but he does all the DIY - not my fortay) I started to ask him about his day and he told me but when I started to talk he said "Oh Theressa I'm tired, tell me another time". This made me very angry. Then later I went to sit with him and tried to cuddle him and he said "Oh Theressa I'm tired". I felt even more annoyed, he'd been out all week - what did he expect! About 1/2 hour later he said "Theressa, make us a cup of tea love". I said "NO". He said what is it with your attitude, I've worked so much this week for this family and yet I can't even get a cup of tea". I replied yes I know what you mean, a cuddle and a chat would be good". He stood up and went out into the kitchen and made his own cup of tea. He turned the t.v off and went up stairs to watch the one in our bedroom. Some time after this I went to bed.<P>What I want to know is how do you fulfil each others needs? Am I being unreasonable to ask for cuddles and chats when he is tired?<BR>Does anyone have any ideas on how I could handle this?<P>Thanks<BR>Theressa

Hi Theresa,<P>So we're about in the same age! How long have you been married? We got married for 5 months, but been dating for almost 10 years. Since we were 15. We grew up together to, we knew each other since 5. I knew him almost like I know my self and vice versa. Yet that does not make our marriage life smoother. It was still a big adjustment for both of us.<P>Fortunately I found this website. And I found the Emotional Needs questionnaire. I printed that out 2 copies. And I handed one copy to H and asked him to fill that out.<P>Due to his busy-ness (lazy-ness? we're still newlyweds, he thought that we wouldn't need it yet) he came back to me in 3 weeks with with filled questionnaire. We did not discuss it right away. I waited to the 'right situation' meaning that he is in his relax mood and I am also in my relax mood. Then we begun to discuss thing. It was really a surprise to both of us that we've been picturing our partner differently. For example, I did not know that his needs for Admiration was quite high. I thought that he is a humble person!!! Well he said he was but it's good to be told that he had done a great job or something like that. It was also noted that his Needs of Physical Attraction was high, so I am trying to lose some weight now. <P>From his side, he got a new information about my self that I really Honesty and Opennes badly. He is a kind of person who likes to keep things for him self, but now he knew what I wanted and need.<P>I can't tell that we lived our life according to it, but at least we are making each other easier knowing what each other's need and wants. The bumpy roads will always be there, but at least now we prepared our selves with a better tyre. <P>Please keep on writing!<P>Saskia

Saskia,<P>It sounds like you have a great marriage. As you can see from my last post things in my marriage are not brillant at the moment. No one as of yet has answered my questions in my last post but hopefully someone will.<P>I myself now know my own needs and I have a good idea of my husband but as for asking him to fill out the questionnaire, I know full well he wouldn't. He says he is not interested in reading books and silly marriage sites. (I think this site is great and infact without the support I am receive from you guys right now I think our marriage wouldn't be surviving so well). My husband was brought up in a care home, he had a bad temper as a child and he saw child psychologists, social workers etc and heard many definitions of how other saw him. He is now very cynical he says counsellors, Psychologists and the works don't know much about him just because they've got a college degree. I don't think he knows that Dr Harley has experience because he is married and does have proof his ideas work but I guess I have to accept that not everyone likes reading and computers ha ha!<P>My husband and myself have a great need to feel appreciated and valued and for some reason we both say we are not. I love conversation as you have probably gather, I love hearing ideas from others and improving.<BR>My husband is not much of a talker and is the strong silent type. There are angry outburst in our marriage, there is definitely disrespectful judgements (My husband is a perfectionist and is critical) Time is a biggy because he is working away some of the week and tired mostly when he returns. My conversation needs don't always get met. <BR>Handling conflict is difficult, If we argue and I am getting the upper hand he calls me names. Myself I never do because I know deep down that I would regret it later or that I'd escalate the arguement. I am learning to become assertive. <P>There are alot of things I need to work on some of which I am already sorting out after the support I've received here. This site is great especially because you can also get a male point of view this is invaluable. Thanks guys.<P>Its lovely weather outside here in the UK anyway I'm off to the pub now with some of my co-workers, we always go for lunch on Friday as treat.<P>Speak to you soon. Have a lovely weekend.<BR>Theressa