The difference in the way we were raised is the cause of a lot of conflicts that we have. How do you overcome this? I was raised to be independent & my spouse is dependent on her parents. How long should I "wait" for the transformation to be a self-sufficient adult who depends on themselves and not the safety net of their parents?

Gerald,<P>Having different backgrounds is just one of the many differences between a husband and wife. Its o.k to be close to your parents. Or wanting to spend time with them. There is a fine line between being dependent on your parents verses just being close to them. I dont know how long you have been married? If your wife is spending more time at her parents house then at home, or on the phone with them alot when your at home, or just simply wanting them to do everything for her...then yes I would say that she is too dependent on them.<P> If you and your wife are very young and newly married, then its fairly common for the wife to want that saftey net security from her parents for a while. Speaking from my own experience, when me and my husband married almost ten years ago, I felt I needed my parents alot...but as the years have gone by I have definitely grown out of that dependent stage in my life. It was just a passing thing. I'm still very close to my parents but not depentent. I feel in your situation that you and your wife should plan more things together. If she is truly overdependent and you feel it has really been damaging to your marriage, then you need to let your wife know how you feel. This may be something that will change with her over time. Its very important to work on keeping your marriage strong. Could there be other reasons why she is dependent on her parents? (are her needs being met in her marriage?)Only you can determine for sure whats going on in your marriage. My bottom line advice to you would be to work on keeping strong communication between you and your wife.....plan fun things together(weekend getaways)ect...ect...<P> I also would like to add that if you've been marriage for years and your wife is very overly dependent on her parents then you may want to talk about it with your wife...and possibly consider couseling..............Violet1

Thanks for the response, Violet. We've been married for 5 months & dated for 3 yrs. She discusses alot w/her mom. Not about us; that's another story. She tells her every little detail about what's going on in her life, the other day I found her & her mom 'balancing' her checkbook & she tells her how much $ she makes on her movie ventures(being extras in movies & commercials). My opinion, which I've mentioned to her on different occassions, is that once you're an ADULT & married, some things your parents don't need to know about. I totally respect & understand the 'newness' of marriage & leaving the nest. But it's unfair & doesn't look good when you go over to your mom's house every day.<BR>She washes her clothes over there & her mom eventually does it. The problem is her parents as well because they continue to perpetuate the behavior of allowing my wife to be dependent upon them. My wife needs to step up & cut it off, but my in-laws need to stop allowing her to come over & call every day. Her parents are retired so her mom doesn't have a lot to occupy her time. My wife knows this & takes "advantage" of that fact. I just don't know what to do because she doesn't 'see' anything wrong w/what she's doing. She feels she's 'spending time' w/her parents.<P>My wife is 28 & I am 30. We are college graduates & have decent jobs. We rent an apartment & the bills we have are minimal. So, like yourself, do I have to "wait" 10 yrs before she realizes she needs to let go of her parents & be an independent, married woman?<P>I do make "quality time" for us. Sometimes we hang w/our couple friends & @ times it'll just be us. There are other issues going on we/my wife, but I was curious to see what kind of assistance I would get from this situation. As far as the time we spend together, she's not aggressive in planning. She makes suggestions but never follows thru. She mentioned she wanted to eat dinner together @ least one time a week. I agreed. we have yet to do so. She won't cook nor has she brought it up. So she can't fault me because I agreed w/her. When I suggest something, I take care of everything like I've always been. I get a movie, get pizza, get popcorn(that's what she likes), tell my friends tonite I'm putting in "QT" & then we spend time. She talks but not actions. Yes, I've brought all of this up before. This is why I put it out there for assistance.

Gerald,<P>Hello again...Since you mentioned that your wife is not the aggresser in your marriage, she will sugest things but never follow through.....Well you get to be the aggresser then. It might not be a bad idea to get your own washer & dryer in your own place so your wife can do laundry at home instead of her parents. For her its either sit at a laundry mat or sit at her parents. There are things that you can do to help your wife be more independent.As far as the check book is concerned...maybe you could master the check book with your wife instead of your wife mastering the checkbook with her mom.If your wife sugest ideas about spending time away together, then help the process of following through on those things.<P>When I got married..It was probably less then a year of my dependence on my parents. It didnt take ten years.I moved from the city when I had lived my whole life to the country, which was a drastic change for me. I hated the country at first. So I spent more time at my parents home,just to get away from the lonely country feeling I had for a while. Now I Love!!!!!!!!!the country. It was just the first year that was a hard transition for me and also I did laundry at my parents home when we first got married, for probably the first 6 months until we got our own washer & dryer. Little by little your wife can become more indepentant. Its going to take some patients on your part. You need to remember that you are newlyweds.Just beginners..just allow some time for the changes to take place. Nothing happens overnight.Your wife would problably love her own washer & dryer ....hang in there!.........Violet1

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Violet. We're going to counseling in a couple of weeks. I was curious to get other people's opinions/advice who may have experienced similar to what I'm going through. Right now, I'm in no financial position to buy a washer & dryer. We live in an apartment complex where the laundry room is only a couple of feet away from our apartment. How much convenience does one need?<BR>The laundry is an excuse to go over to her parents' home. They don't 'see' her as an adult & that's what bothers me. My wife doesn't even see this. She thinks her parents love her; Which they do. but they also need to allow the bird to completely leave the nest & go out & build her on nest. Her parents are @ fault for allowing her to continue the behavior & she is at fault for not trying to become an adult.<BR>Thanks for your words, violet!!

Gerald,<P>I do agree that Counseling may be whats best. I usually like to cover all aspects when giving advice in these Marriage Builders Forum,sometimes getting more feed back helps get a better picture of your situation. Your wife is obviously unaware that there is any problem at all. This is what feels normal and o.k to her. Remember its healthy to have a good relationship with your parents, and I agree that you need to draw the line and not be dependent.Hopefully counseling will help your wife understand that breaking away from the security of her parents is whats going to help your marriage grow stonger.........Violet1<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited August 07, 1999).]