We have been married for 8 yrs and been together for 14yrs. We have three wonderful children(18,7,5) The eldest is my step-son and I have been with him since he was 4. Since my wife said she was not "In Love With Me" a cple mths ago I have made things worse. i just couldn,t leave her alone. At this same time my career was falling apart, and when I went to work I had nothing to do. So naturally all I did was think of my family and wife. I was staying at home for a little while and then we both agreed that maybe we should be apart for a little while. this was very hard for me I missed my kids soo, soo much and her. When I was away she then tried to withdrawl her 401(K) monies and when I asked her about it she told me it was none of my business! So i had to get an att'y to stop that from happening and he did , but it made her furious.After this I decided to come home because I just missed seeing my kids every day. She became upset because I still was trying to talk with her. She then started to stay out until late and then would'nt say were she was. This made me very suspicious because she never did this before at all! She also has found "new" younger friends that are single to go out with. I started to listen to friends who told me to wake up! and not be so naive that a married women doesn,t behave this way. So tat made me think even more and then stared to tape record her phone conversations and found out that she admitted to my sister in law that she had sex with a man and she supported her in that act. What a nice person? I confronted her and she admitted and said she never wanted me to know. But now she is justifying it saying that in her eyes the marriage was over anyway and what did I think that by threating to tell her family it would make her stay? It seems that when her and I talk she feels guilty like that night but then the next day she will be very defensive and hurtful. After that night she then recieved a court order to have me removed from my home, because I did say "That how can she do this to me, and I felt like "strangeling her", but never did. We then went to court and I agreed to that because we had an custody agreement that was "Fair" if there is any such agreement? Then a cple weeks after that when I had the kids with me she didn't leave their clothe like she said so I had to go two days re-washing there clothes, and then I was around our house and called her to come pick up the clothes and she said fine. So I went to the house and let the kids go give her a kiss good-night and she then told me that they are to stay here.When i said no! she stood in front of the door and wouldn,t let us leave and i become very hurt and angry and pushed her aside and she still keep getting in my way so this happened a couple of times after. I feel so bad and will regret that night for the rest of my life. I have never done anything like that to her before and I asked God to forgive me. I know I will take my own life before I ever let that happen again!Ever since the begining she hasn,t sgreed to counseling and we have never gone except one time two years ago and she even said that she thought it was good, but know refuses to go. I am in so much pain I "Love" her more than anything and don,t want to loose my family, but I have made a mess of things and don,t know what to do. She blames me for everything and will not put herself in my shoes and feel all the pain i feel. I have never felt so much pain in my life. I would rather have my arms and legs cut off that visualize my wike making love to this man. My kids are suffering too, but she say's they will be okay! and even has some friends that support this view. I don't know how anybody can put another human being through this much pain and suffering without givng that person a chance! Just one!! I am willing to change the things she doesn,t like without any resentment.Every time we talk we always argue and it is tearing me apart.I am trying so much to make this work.I can have her go to counseling through the courts for three times, please advise me on how I can use these sessions the most effective. I feel this is my only chance to get through to her that I Love her with all my heart and want her to happy! I forgot to say also that I am starting my son in counseling and told her that the counseler wanted to see her for her side, so she could help with our son and she agreed somewhat. She said that she didn't want to go alone,but would go with my son and me. She has stated that she doesn't want to go to counseling because she doesn't want to give me the hope that there hope for us. Can anyone please help me through this unbelievablly painful experience? My children don't deserve to have their lives shatteres from this. This is the most cruel and selfish thing that anyone can do to another. Please help me?Sorry! for going on!

DJB...when I read your story, it hit so close to my heart. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I was betrayed by my H and still to this day, do not understand why some spouses choose to act selfish and put their loved ones in pain, just to gain personal satisfaction for themselves. What I can suggest is reading the book, "Surviving the Affair" by Harley. It really helps. Also, start posting in the Infidelity forum. There are plenty of people, including myself, who have been where you are.<P>They will offer you the support & advice that you are seeking. I wish you and your children the best during this difficult time. Hang in there and be strong for yourself and for your children.....

NoTrust. Thank You! for responding. I just don't know what to do.I would much rather she just stick a knife in my heart and turn it. This would be less painful. I just can't understand how someone can scarafice the emotional well being of their children for there own "happiness". I have been devestated by this and can't seem to get over it. All I ever asked from her was the chance to work through this with a professional counseler.I know in heart that if couples would only realize that if they would just work through these crises, how wonderful and STRONG their relationship would be. I don't feel like a DAD anymore. I feel that I am just someone who visit's my kids. I would give up everything just to be able to see my children everyday!! Sorry, for rambling on. Please tell me about your pain and how you were able to get through this?

I am in a simaliar boat my wife and I are now at a stage of not speaking. I love her very much but I find that when we were speaking I got the attitude of who cares of my feeling from her. <BR>Well after a few bantering words then I let it go all the negetivity I could lash out with. It really hurt her. Now I wish I would have keeped my mouth shut.<BR>Now question I have is how do I make up for my hurtful words. Is there still hope.

Hi DJB:<P>I'm so sorry it took me awhile to respond. How are things going? Has your W shown any signs of wanting to work it out?<P>When I found out about my H's affair, I thought that our marriage could NEVER recover. It was difficult for me to accept that my H betrayed me and slept with OW. I never thought my H would hurt me in that way. Also, throughout our marriage, he didn't lie......but when he became involved with OW he grew to be a compulsive liar. Affairs go hand in hand with manipulation, lying, deceit, and everything ugly you can think of.<BR>I just didn't know how to deal with the betrayal. In fact, I still have a hard time with it, but that is natural. Dr. Harley says that it takes a minimum of 2 years to recover.<P>Recovery has been hard. I would imagine all these weird things in my head. I can't even stand going through the village that she lives in. I used to enjoy browsing there. I can't even stand hearing the name of the town. There are several key words or symbols that remind me of his relationship with her.<P>For some odd reason, the day that I decided to leave my H, was the same day that he wanted to work on our marriage. Fortunately, the affair ended when it was exposed. It lasted 2 months and 2 weeks. My H came to realize just how ugly an affair really is and how much pain he put me & our kids through.<P>We have been struggling in our marriage since the end of February. Everyday is a struggle. We did go to counseling and it helped. He was the one who found the counselor for us and we immediately went. Are you seeing a therapist now? Or, maybe your pastor or priest can give you advice.<P>I still don't trust my H. Once trust is gone, it is hard to get back. My H is doing things such as accounting for his time by calling me from work (when he will come home, what he is doing, spends his free time with us, etc.). In time, trust will come back, but I know it won't be blind trust.<P>I read Harley's book, "Surviving the Affair." It really helped me to gain insight on how to cope with an affair. Also, this forum helped me realize that there are people out there, who share the same experiences as I do, who can offer support.<P>What I can suggest, is to try Plan A....that is avoiding any type of Lovebusters. That will show your W that you still love her despite the pain she is inflicting on you. Hopefully soon, all of the negative traits of the OM will come out in the open. She will see him as he really is, once reality sets in.<P>While you are in Plan A, please take care of yourself physically and mentally. Do activities that you enjoy and have fun with your kids. Pamper yourself because you deserve it.<P>I'm rambling on and on, but I wanted to respond to you. Hang in there....