I've been married for only 1+ years, but already starting to feel that this ain't working. <BR>I'm beginning to feel that she's quite a materialistic and spendthrift person. Although we're both employed, I am not rich but I intend to start saving for my future. I can't trust her enough to share financial details with her, for fear of being broke because she prefers activities that waste heaps of money, like travelling overseas to attend a party! Its nice of her to invite me along but I can't afford it and don't know how to turn her down. <BR>I've been forced to open a secret bank account to save some money, while telling her that I am broke (not far from the truth).<P>The worst thing is that she is not good at keeping her word. It might be something small like always being late when we were dating, but all these things add up to the point that I doubt her most of the time. I've always wanted an intimate and trusting life-long relationship, but such attributes appear to be lacking in this marriage. I wonder if I married the right woman.<P>She's on holidays overseas now, and has not told me when she will return. Ironically, her frequent absence allows me to reconsider this marriage and write to this forum. I think I still love her, and feel very bad that this is going downhill. During our few intimate moments, I feel very happy, but the doubts return when she's away. I can't imagine how to tell her if I ever decide to end this relationship. I've promised to be with her forever and I hate to break her heart. To top that, we do not share many intellectual interests. <P>I can't even decide if we are in the Intimate, Conflict or Withdrawal stage. How do I know when is the marriage is beyond help? When does divorce become more sensible? And how do I tell her, and my parents? <P>Btw, I am taking a big risk even writing to this forum because she uses the Internet extensively. If she finds out, it'll drastically undermine my credibility. But I don't know what else to do.....<P>[This message has been edited by anonman (edited August 14, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by anonman (edited August 14, 1999).]

anonman,<P>To answer your question.."How do you know when to call it quits" Well if you want to see your marriage work, then you need to be willing to work at it, the Both Of You together. As with any marriage, when there is problems, then you need to get those honest feelings out in the open with your spouse. Since you havnt been married too long, its really to your advantage to get things dealt with early on in your marriage. Your wife needs to hear your concerns. Thats really where you need to begin. Its a very tough step when it comes to sitting down with your spouse and talking about areas of concern. If your wife wants the marriage to work, then hopefully she will work on the areas that have been causing doubt and concern. Calling it quits and divorcing is something you dont want to rush into. Especially this early in your marriage. I would say that its time to get everything out into the open with your wife,just tell her point blank (this is what i'm feeling)and that you would like to work things out. You want a strong healthy marriage.Its a starting point for a better future. If your wife shuts you out and doesnt want to respond, and becomes defensive, just allow her some time to understand whats been said. Communication can be the hardest step to take, and can be the best thing for building a stonger healthy happier marriage.......Violet1<P> <p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited August 15, 1999).]

Thanks violet1 for your reply.<BR>You're right, honesty is the best policy in this case.<P>Actually, I just told her yesterday that I couldn't afford to accompany her to the<BR>party (a friend's wedding party). I just told her straight and firmly, "I simply can't afford it, and I think this is not a good idea. So I'm not going."<P>To my relief, she seemed to have taken that quite well. After a few seconds, she just said "OK". Looks like she'll be going by herself. For myself, I can look forward to a more financially sensible vacation.<P>One more problem solved. What a relief!<BR>

anonman,<P>I agree w/Violet, she said it very well. But there's one thing you keep saying that has me confused/upset. You keep saying that YOU can't afford to do this or that...but SHE can? I realize things- society and what's acceptable- have changed but when I got married years ago life became a joint venture. You remember, you agreed to become one, to cleave to one another? In my book, there is no her account, my account. Look to the Bible for guidance on what your role in the marriage should be. You should be the leader. As the wife in our marriage, this was not an easy thing for me to do - to turn over the final say to my h. But this is the Lord's way and the right way. I'm sorry, I do not understand this independence in marriage!<P>Also, for another outlook, look at the section herein about not doing anything without enthusiastic approval from the other half (sorry forgot what it's actually called) - something like Policy for Enthusiastic Agreement?<P>Don't give up yet. You've gotten started. Remember, there was something in her that attracted her to you. Don't lose sight of that and build on it. But also YOU can't change anyone else. Only THEY can change themselves....meaning you should tell her your fears by all means but only she can change her behavior. <P>Hope and pray for the best!<P>Pray for guidance and I'll send the same prayer for you.<P>Tina