My wife and I have only been married just under a year, but I am finding that our early marriage problems extend beyond normal communication issues and sometimes taking each other for granted. We have discovered that each other's views of marriage are very different. I guess my views can be described as somewhat more traditional. I consider us a team and would not think of doing anything without consulting my teammate. What's mine is ours and whatever goals we have, they should be shared and achieved together. My wife on the otherhand does not recognize the team. She is afraid that accepting this approach will jeopordize her independence. She frequently feels the need to restate her position by doing such things as buying a car without even telling me, refusing to change her last name to mine, taking off for weekends without talking to me about it, etc. She can't even bring herself to share a checking account with me. Instead she writes me a monthly check to cover "her portion" of the bills. We have been going to counseling and have been told that if we cannot reach a compromise and agree to a common way in which the marraige should be run, we are doomed. This seems fairly obvious to me, but where is there common ground? <P>-Paisely

Paisley,<P>What if you kept seperate accounts, but agreed she would tell you before making large purchaes (like a car). Not ask you, tell you. <P>Maybe she can let you know when she's planning a trip so you can plan something fun for yourself. Or you could plan a weekend together. Or She could plan the weekend trip for the both of you. <P>Comprimise comes from both sides. It sounds like your W has a lot of fears about losing her independence. That is her issue and unfortunately there's not much you can do to make it better for her.<P>You can sit down with her and talk about her needs and your needs. Neither person should do something they feel uncomfortable doing. But I'm sure there is some small thing you can each bend on. <P>Good luck to you.<P>Myra

paisely,<BR>If you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and Emotional Needs from the web site, you will find that he supports the team concept of marriage. And I agree that your marriage is doomed if you cannot come to an agreement on teamwork in your marriage.<BR>Dr. Harley's books have helped my H and I so much just in the last month or so. I am amazed.<BR>I have been living a life of pain, sadness, and loneliness for the past 13 years or so (practically our entire marriage) due to my H's attitudes about communication, marriage, etc. I lived with the situation because of my love for my H and in addition due to our children. My pain had not surpassed the pain I felt that they would feel if I divorced my H.<BR>Only after reading Dr. Harley's web site info and books have we both come to an agreement about the rest of our married life.<BR>I encourage you to read Dr. Harley's books with your wife and to find a counselor who is familiar with his books if you can.<BR>Good luck! Hope this helps.<BR>Thoughtful

Dear Paisley:<BR>Marriage is a unite of one. I honestly don't ever think things can work when there is a separation his and mine. I don't think marriages break up because of what you do to each. They break up because of what you must become in order to stay in them. After all, marriage is a great committment. Your wife seems to have alot of issues that probably have to do with her past. Somewhere along the line, probably someone (maybe her mother or father) took or gave away some of her valueable possessions (maybe a dog or doll) as a young child. Possibly through that, she has learned that otherpeople can take away from her the things that she values. So, quite possibly, she feels this separation in everything is owns and does. I can relate to that because I have been like that because everyone that I was always with took something from me like trust, material possessions that I valued, etc. even my mother who gave away my dogs when I was young or my favorite doll that I adored when I was a little girl and lied and said that someone took it (we were at the beach). I told her that I would find it. I found it alright-in the trash and took it out. At age 5, I learned that my mother lied and that things that one values CAN be taken away. I have been like that all my life. I got married for the first time at age 34 years old. I learned then that we had to share everything and even though I went ahead and did it/do it, I still have that independency/privacy in me. I still hid some money in fear of my husband ever taking everything. It's a matter of trust. This is why I said that somewhere probably in her past, someone or some people took that trust away from her, thus, she became very independent. She learned to survive on her own and get things on her own so on one would ever take those things away from her. I know its very hard to deal with. BUT, she has to be willing to share her life in this marriage or it will never be a marriage of union. I hope I was helpful. If you need to talk to me some more, just look me up under no affection, no attention, Katya. My prayers go out to you.