My wife and I are trying to work things out, neither of us want a divorce, we have been seperated for a month and she wants things to work but said she has lost her romantic feelings for me and eventhough she wants to get them back she doesnt know how. She says she hopes they will just come back and she will get the "feeling". We are going to the beach this weekend to see how it goes. What can I do???

Capndave,<P> Well from a womans point of view, I have been there and have had those feelings that the romantic passion was gone. I didnt feel the passion towards my husband hardly at all.I know from my own experience the passion & romance did come back because we both wanted that. I felt that my husband wasnt affectionate enough towards me, I felt lonely alot because my husband was caught up in his own routine of things. He didnt make alot of extra time for me from day to day.Well as a result of that I gradually had lost the passion towards him. I didnt want to loose the passion but I did. I'm sure that its something that usually happens gradually, and before you know it, your wondering where it went.<P> Keeping the romance and spark in your marriage is so important. I do feel that a marriage will go through seasons where you wont always feel passionate towards each other, but love each other very much. I think in your situation you may want to sit down and evaluate what may have lead to these feeling with your wife. You may be able to find some root problems that have sudely caused her to feel this way. Making your wife feel important daily is very important. Spending time away is good.I dont know how long you have been married??wheather you've been married along time or for a short time, either way it dosnt matter, whats important is that you both want the romance back...theres no magical formula for lost romance and passion. Its just finding out what your wifes needs are and going from there. Every women has emotional needs when she gets married and a Husband who knows his wifes needs and meets those needs will keep that romance and spark in his marriage.Hang in there!.....Violet1 <p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited August 19, 1999).]

If you sincerely mean it, you can get the passion back, but speaking from experience, if she does rekindle the fire and you let it go again (whether it be from neglect, time away, little affection, etc.) and she tells you again that the passion is gone, it will be gone, for good. A very wonderful part of women is we are forgiving and want very much to love and be loved, however, we also can reach a point that it doesn't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry" we know that it is just a catch phrase and means nothing. Show her why she fell in love with you, and that it can be that way again, and maybe this time it will be even better!<P>My H and I have been through this same situation. His reaction to my telling him that while I did love him, I wasn't in love with him, was anger, accusation and trying to hurt me back. Eventually, when he found I really meant it, he tried and succeded in winning back my heart, but, he fell back into the same routine, ignored my pleas and now we are back in the same place. I don't feel the passion, and am very hurt that he would let this happen again. We just go on day by day, both knowing, but I'm not really sure anyone cares.<P>Good luck!

My friend, i definitely know where you are coming from. The women's point of view is very useful in most situations. But just from your limited post, it is hard to say what exactly happened. Let me give you my little story. My wife and I have been separated for two weeks. We are seeing a marriage counsellor, and I am seeing and individual counsellor for some issues of mine that helped lead us to this point. My wife and I are very much the opposite of what these women have said. I am a very affectionate person, and I thrive upon affection. My wife had reached that "comfortable" zone in our relationship. She is not a very affectionate person, and feels that she shouldn't have to be. Now, maybe I want a bit more affection than she can handle. It is very possible. Sometimes she feels as if I put her up on a pedestal, and this is true. But when I try to be affectionate with her, and she does not return that affection, because she feels smothered by it, I get a bit upset about it. We are at a very difficult and important point in our relationship. We both are fighting to save this marriage, but I got the same line. "I still love you, but I don't know if I am still in love with you." We have a date Saturday night, and I am really nervous about it. I wrote a poem for her that I plan to read to her at some point in the evening. It is posted in the poems section of this site. It is a follow up to the first poem I wrote for her, and I really hope she likes it. While I know it is not professional, any feedback would be appreciated.

well, things have changed already. she called today and said she doesnt want to go to the beach and that she let me talk her into it. she says she does not feel that she is ready for that yet. I get the feeling she just doesnt want to hurt my feelings. There are times i wish she would just go ahead and tell me it is over so i can get on with my life if that is how she feels. This waiting game is making me a nervous wreck. By the way we have been together for 15 yrs with the last three being married. we have an appointment with a counseler this evening but all they ever seem to say is that i just need to give her time and space and hope she will get these feelings back on her own.

I am cynical today...so please forgive me!<P>***I wonder who the OM is? I would bet he's out there.<P>------------------<BR>

Well back again. This is crazy. Now we are back on for the beach. I told her we would leave anytime she was ready, no arguing. But to answer your question as to the OM, I might be nieve (sp?) but as far as I am concerned there isnt one. She has been honest with me and I really feel like she would tell me or that i could tell if there was one. I am jsut looking foward to spending some time with her, just hanging out and being friends.<BR>Does that sound corny??? I am really trying to keep a positive out look and keeping my hopes up that things will work out.

No, it doesn't sound corny. It's all that we can do my friend.

Thanks, I keep telling myself but it is hard to swallow. I read your poems, very nice. I often would like to be able to put my thoughts into poems but just can not get it out right. I am really nervous about this weekend wondering how it will be.