My wife and I have been married now this month for 20 years. We <BR> have had marriage problems for most of the 20 for many reasons. <BR> Alot of the problems stemmed from poor communication skills but there are<BR> other complications as well. We were engaged to be married when I was 17.<BR> We had been having premarital sex for two years when she announced that<BR> was it ( as far as the sex went ) until we had our wedding night. I was young<BR> and stupid so beings she left no room for discussion on the subject I found<BR> other sources for my "recreational" needs. It was wrong, I wasn't a<BR> Christian yet but I still knew it was wrong. It got around and she caught<BR> wind of it and I not she broke off the engagement. Well we finally got back<BR> together but I again was stupid and thought the issue was over but soon<BR> after we got married it started to be apparrent that she was deeply hurt and <BR> of course I wasn't going to give in when she was the one to decide for both<BR> of us in the first place. Boy was I off base. <BR> I should have been more sensitive to her feeling even though she wasn't of<BR> mine. This started a deep rift between us. She didn't want to work on our<BR> relationship, just me to work on my side of it because she was already ok. I<BR> didn't like that attitude then and I don't like it now. Because she expected me<BR> to do all the changing, apologizing, compromising on all issues I got alot of<BR> resentment. As we had each of our children she pulled away from me more<BR> and more. I didn't really know it at the time but as she was pulling away from<BR> me, I was taking it hard. I threw myself into my work and became a<BR> workaholic. A bad one. I still work too much, I am self employed.<BR> I wasn't home much and when I was she was always complaining about this<BR> and that. I know now that she was trying to connect to me in her way. Sex<BR> was a knock down dragout. I met this customer about 7 years into our<BR> marriage and almost got into an affair. I was feeling racked w/ guilt and told<BR> her about it several months later when she out of the blue asked me if I had <BR> fooled around since we'd been married, for a month or so she literally wore me <BR> out sexually. <BR> Things seemed better for a year or so then it got back to the same thing. we<BR> were ready to get a divorce when we had our last son (now 10) and that<BR> saved our marriage. It was somthing we both had in common. Well things<BR> were good - although I lost another piece of her - for a couple of years then<BR> it got bad again. I wanted to desperately save our marriage. I pleaded w/ her<BR> for us to go to counselors etc. She always refused. <BR> Well 3 years ago we were both terribly unhappy. She wouldn't do anything<BR> to change it and I lost all hope and resolved myself to just hanging in there<BR> until the kids were raised. She was gone all day almost every day after my<BR> last son went to school full time. I was afraid she was going to have an affair<BR> so I insisted she get a job to occupy her time (and to make her time<BR> accountable for my piece of mind) After much resistance she finally got a<BR> job as a dept. store clerk. She let everything go, he house, the kids,<BR> everything for the job. She asked me to move out on fathers day '96. She<BR> said there was no one else, that she needed time to sift through her feelings.<BR> I paid for everything and lived in a hole while she didn't attempt to think<BR> about anything except for herself. I always made it a point to ask her about<BR> any "others" After a couple of months I was visiting the boys and went to<BR> talk to her in the bedroom. She didn't answer and I thought I heard tears. I<BR> opened the door and relized she was in the closet talking on the phone. I<BR> listened to her telling her mother that she couldn't live without this fellow at<BR> work etc. etc.. Well I went through the roof. I could not believe she had lied<BR> to me, while I was making a big sacrifice on the basis that she was being<BR> true to me at least while she was making up her mind... She told me it was<BR> just am emotional affair nothing physical. After the steam died down she had<BR> me convinced it was all my fault, I had drove her to this other guy because<BR> of how I was. There was no remorse, still to this day isn't. She deserved to<BR> feel good about herself and I wasn't meeting her needs etc.etc. Well i went<BR> ahead and trusted her, she said he was being transferred in one week. She<BR> wouldn't tell me who he was. I went ahead and continued to wait for her to<BR> make the decision whether or not she loved me anymore. Thanksgiving of<BR> '96 she asked me to move back in. I was happy. I thought we'd get down to<BR> business abt. patching our relationship up. It was very weird. She didn't<BR> want to work on our relationsip at all. She hid in our bedroom most of the<BR> time. Cried alot for this fellow at work etc. Didn't want to be seen w/ me in<BR> public where people at work could see us together. I felt she was lying to<BR> me, I was being sneaky and felt bad about it then I overheard another conversation, <BR> She was talking to her best friend about<BR> this same guy at work. And about how cold he had been treating her lately.<BR> Her friend was egging her on to get close to him and not let him cool off to<BR> her. I went weak in my knees. I felt so stupid, betrayed, I went ballistic and<BR> went to her work place and made a scene in a confrontation between her,<BR> the fellow at work and myself. The police were called and I almost got<BR> arrested. I did not lay a hand on him but he went running off screaming for<BR> the police. I felt as though she must have been having intimate relations w/<BR> him by that point and seeing his freaking out at my confronting him. We<BR> tried to still live together but I could not trust her, she didn't act sorry and as<BR> before it was my fault. I asked her to move out and after repeatedly saying<BR> work on our relationship and commit to me or move out she chose to<BR> move out. On hind sight I still don't know if I did the right thing or not. We<BR> have had really great sex through all this but it is very empty for me. I miss<BR> having a soul mate. She refuses to make up her mind to work on it or file for<BR> divorce. I am very unhappy. She has mentioned she didn't get to sow her<BR> wild oats as I did ... <BR> as though shes wanting to date others and has said without reservation that <BR> she likes the attention that other men pay her, and that she doesn't want to go <BR> around me in public because they might think that shes attached and not pay <BR> attention to her anymore. <BR> I don't know what to do. It's been three years since it started and because of my <BR> hasseling her about making up her mind or move out she moved out.<BR> She still wants me there to support her by helping w/ the kids...I<BR> have them 99% of the time. I have not given her much financial help since<BR> she doesn't have the kids "by their own choice" I am just empty inside. All<BR> she thinks about is her, her nice things (that she took when she moved out)<BR> and how nice it is not to have to deal w/ the kids. I should be saddled w/<BR> that now since she has to think about her career and can't excel w/o giving it<BR> all to work. I am getting very resentful about her actions but I still want to <BR> work it out. She doesn't ever want to talk about our problems and she now says <BR> she has to keep her independance and that she likes the single girl life.<BR> She said a day or so ago that she is ready to do something else and I <BR> asked her to divorce me rather than cheat on me. <BR> She said lets get a divorce then. That's not what I wanted her to say <BR> and I told her that. She says it too late and she is very cold to me and now has acted like <BR> says the sex (I call it making love) should stop because she feels so guilty for <BR> not working on the relationship and that it's leading me on. She also feels that because <BR> there is no passion for me in her heart she can't stay with me. I have told her that<BR> the passion will return when we get our relationship back on track but she insists that <BR> it has to come first. The problem with that is that I am so frustrated that I loose<BR> my cool and get angry with her off and on. I am VERY gealous of her and these other guys<BR> and the friction it creates is definately is even further destroying my love bank <BR> account with her. I feel as though I and my emotions are out of control.<BR> I don't know what to do, Today my sister was on the web at my house and she <BR> found your site and found the Greg and Sally letter. Sound incredibly like our <BR> situation except for the few twists I have mentioned. I read your book His<BR> needs / Her needs then coaxed her into reading it when this first started.<BR> I have since bought and read Love busters and Give and take. She won't read anymore<BR> books because she doesn't feel it will do anygood. We have been to several counselors<BR> also the first year but when they got around to her doing her part she didn't want to and <BR> that was that for counseling. She doesn't want to go back at all. <BR> Is there any hope?? I do still love her and want to do all that I can to win her back <BR> but I don't know how to get grip on how I act around her when all she does is reject me.<BR> I think your idea on negotiating is great but I don't think she'd even consider it unless she <BR> felt there was a real chance that she could regain her love and passion for me.<BR> Please help us if there is anything you can do or suggest.<P><BR> <P>

Hey, Doug - loved your novel. I posted one, too, don't expect much in the way of replies because - well, what can you say to someone who has put up with so much for so long. Only difference between me and you is, you've been doing it for 20 years.<P>I can relate to a lot of your story - it gave me apocalyptic visions of myself and my boyfriend, 18 or 19 years down the road. While I can see both sides, it does sound like you have been the [censored] in most instances. I can definitely see your wife's side of it. Some of the things you say - such as, you insisted she get a job to account for her time and your peace of mind - lead me to suspect there's some been some abuse going on, emotional and verbal. I have learned a lot about emotional and verbal abuse in the last couple of months. Nothing like the learn-by-doing experience. <P>Not saying it's all you, but I suggest you examine your own motives and behavior. There are all kinds of books on abusive relationships. If you are open to examining the negative side of yourself - and it sounds like you are, you may be able to turn things around.<P>After 20 years, I'm sure it seems all beyond repair. Heck, I'm feeling that way after 15 months. And you are dealing with a person who says she doesn't want to fix things. Maybe she doesn't, maybe she does. Maybe there's hope.<P>I wish you luck, and a few more replies.<P>------------------<BR>--Girlfriend in a coma (I know, I know it's serious)