O.K. I am really new at this thing, i have never gone online to discuss something as personal as this issue. I am 25 YO and my H is 29 YO, we have only been married for 1 yr and 8 mo (but together for 5 yrs). I am looking for some good advice with maybe a glimps of hope.<P>This is the story. We moved here almost immediately after our marriage and have no friends or family here. Our closest family members are states away and i guess i attributed some of our stress to that. Just recently I decided to go back to school to obtain my BSN and I left a full time, good paying job with my H support all the way. This past weekend, i returned from visiting family and I just had this gut feeling something was wrong. My H sat on the bed and just cried (so did I) I have never been so scared to hear what he was about to say...he proceeded to tell me that he was not sure why, but he just does not feel in love any longer with me and is just not sure if he even wants to try and work it out. I have spent the last 2 days in a crisis counseling center trying to get a grip of my life. I honestly believe that my H has some other deep issues that need to be solved first before we can start to work on us, but i just am not sure how to get up each morning knowing that i may not be a part of his life. We were in love at one time, and i can remember him telling me all those things that he loved about me and how he thought he would never be happy with any one. How do you go from that extreem to I am not sure if i evern want to be married?? Can love be recaptured? Can we reconnect and get back what we once had? I feel at such a disadvantage, apperently he has been having these feelings for sometime and just not able to talk to me...for fear of hurting me i guess.<P>He has gone with me to counseling and agreed to see a professional on his own, but i am terrified that i have been living in a lie for all this time. He says there is no other woman, although he did confess that this past Tuesday, while he was out of town he confided in another woman. My issue with this is, they were in a restraunt and he just broke down emotionally and they left and went to his hotel room. He tells me that it was merely a friend comforting a friend but they kissed. He says she kissed him and told him it would all work out, he just needed to be honest with his feelings with me. I am having such a hard time with this mental image that i have painted of another woman even being that close, he should of been talking with me. Am I wrong to think that?<P>Please give me some encouraging advice on how to restablish what we once had...<P>Thanks

achatson,<P>First off, you don't want to recapture what you had. You want to build your marriage into something much better.<P>I'd suggest that you start counseling with Steve Harley through marriage builders. It's phone counseling, and Steve is an excellent counselor.<P>I went through the same range of emotions when I discovered my wife's affair. And I lived through a very tough reconciliation process that included a separation and her becoming pregnant by the OM. But my investement in learning and practicing the MarriageBuilder principles from the first day after I discovered the affair was the main reason we have reconciled and now have a "better than ever" marriage. And I used Steve as a coach through the process, so I can highly recommend him.<P>If I were you, I'd start here by reading the basic concepts, what makes a marriage successful (the Four Rules), and the Q&A sections regarding emotional needs and affairs. You can do this---it's not an easy process at times, but you will end up with a much stronger marriage than you ever thought possible. <P>It's good that he's agreeing to counseling. That's an encouraging sign.<P>And you're on target in that he should have never talked about his marital problems to someone of the opposite sex---it's one of the most common ways that affairs start. But you can't "demand" that he stop---he needs to realize that on his own (or with the help of a counselor).<P>Good luck.

-<p>[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited June 26, 2000).]

Thanks for your advice, but i am afraid it is too late. I had to let go last night. I could not take another night of us just re-hashing his feelings. He told me that at this point he just does not want to be married. He is going to go through counseling and try and fix how he is feeling about his life, but that is no guarentee that he will want to stay. At this point i am starting to get past all of the emotions and i am starting to get angry. I had to ask him to leave last night, it was not fair for him to stay adn expect to lay in the same bed as me and just watch me hurt. God, this is the worst thing that i have ever gone through and my life is a basket case. I really do not know what i am going to do financially. Not that is my major concern, but it terrifies me because i have no job and just school. I can not even concentrate in school, i have missed two days because i can not seem to pull myself together. I wonder if it will ever get less painful.<P>Thanks for your support and keep praying for us. <P>AC

AC:<P>It's nowhere near too late. I would suggest that you still do counseling with Steve Harley here. If you don't, please pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and read it. In there are two plans, Plan A and Plan B. They're briefly described on this website: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> , but you should have a thorough understanding of Harley's principles before you undertake this effort.<P>I would suggest that you stay in Plan A for a while. That means that you must assess your marriage and work on issues that you bring to it. Elimination of lovebusters is key: you must eliminate angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands. With the way you're husband is acting, that will be difficult, but it's essential that you establish a consistant track record of new behavior. In addition, if there are emotional needs of his that have gone unmet, see if he will allow you to start meeting them.<P>This goes for whether he's living with you or not.<P>Your response to his going to counseling to decide to stay was poor. You're punishing him, because he's hurting you. If you continue that cycle, you will end up in a bitter divorce. You need to dig down deep within yourself and find some unconditional love for your husband. You need to demonstrate to him how wonderful your marriage can be, and what a terrific wife he has. He doesn't see that now---part of it is his fault, but you must share the blame as well.<P>You have an opportunity to save your marriage at this point. Again, I strongly suggest that you start counseling with Steve---the path that you should take will be counterintuitive to your instincts. You're going to want to be angry, you're going to want to punish your husband, and you're going to want to push him away and protect yourself. Those instincts will not draw your husband closer. <P>I speak from experience, AC. I've lived through what you're currently experiencing and a whole lot more. And while I was experiencing it, I didn't have a ton of hope most of the time---even though I was counseling with Steve. I'm here to tell you that there is hope; that this process can and does work; and if you want to try, there are some great resources available to you.<P>Hang in there.

Okay, i am a bit confussed, maybe i am saying the wrong thing. My H did not have an extramerital affair (atleast that what he told me), it was simply one night he found some one to talk with who would listen and not judge. Am i making excusses for him at this point? I read the Plan A and B and i am not sure if that really all applies to us at this point. Is that method only for the couples who have affairs?<P>How do you get the counseling with Dr. Harley? Is it online help or by phone? I was not sure that i have seen that information on the site. Where do I find it?<P>My H called me tonight and told me that he is staying in a studio apt. some where near here. I am confused. I tried to just listen to him breakdown emotionally on the phone, but it was difficult. I am feeling just as bad. Do i put my feelings aside for now, so that he can find peace with himself? Or What? I mean just this morning he told me when he left that i should seek legal help? Now, he calls and tells me how hard it was to really check in to this apt. place and he never dreamed it would be this difficult. I really dont know how to respond, i almost feel numb. Do you think that if i emailed him this site to look at that would puss him away, or do you think maybe he would see that it is not just us that have been experiencing pain?<P>Thank you for your honest views...<P>AC

achatson:<P>Plan A is pretty much living by Harley's "rules for a successful marriage", except that they're concentrated on elimination of lovebusters (which is usually an issue in an affair). But I would recommend that you go into a "giver" mode, and not let your "taker" punish him.<P>You say that your husband isn't having an affair, but he's acting like he is. Even if it was only a kiss---he may be having an emotional affair (it may strictly be in his own mind---the OW might not know). Whatever the situation, the behaviors that your husband are showing indicate an affair (or extreme unhappiness).<P>Give Steve Harley a call at (1-888-639-1639). You can read about the counseling here at Marriagebuilders: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html</A> . He'll be able to give you better, more comprehensive advice than I can.

I think you husband is in "scared to death" mode" I believe he has had second thoughts about his "life" and how well he is doing in it. He could also have too much responsiblity on his shoulders at "this particular time in his life" and has re-evaluated these insecurities in a negative way. I think the pressure of you going back to school has finally got to him, and he is wondering how he's going to make it. Maybe financial issues, I don't know, but it looks to me like he is looking for the "door" and "fast" In today's world we are in a mad rush to achieve success and "stuff" as fast as possible and are measured by society on how many of these "trappings" we have aquired. This might be his way of saying Whoa, I need to slow down.<P>In my opinion you should stay in control of yourself. Put all your efforts into your own well being. Do not be worried about "what's going to happen to me" Thinking like this is destructive. The anger is normal, but you have to get smart and cast it aside. Anger puts great stress on your nerves and could possibly make you physically ill. Not to mention the probability of throwing you off your planned "life" course of getting your degree. <P>Love is NOT constant in relationships. It has what I call "peaks and valleys" If it were constant we would get nothing done. There are always cooling (I can't stand that jerk, and don't know why I ever married him) off periods, and then warming up periods that bring it all back together and make you realized that you really NEED each other. The cooling off periods always come during any emotional upset that is going on with one or both of you. Someone usually feels either "left out" or "badly done to" by the other partner. These are constant irritants that run through everyones relationships, and have an "eating away" effect if not addressed, and dealt with by both partners openly, and without penalty.<P>What ever you are planning to do about dealing with your problem. Don't make "getting back together" the main issue. You both need some time out, and unfortunately, that means the one who is "hurting" has to be really patient, and understanding. Many times when two people become one couple. They make the mistake of believing they can't live without the other, and that they would never find another person like this one ever again in this life time. These are thoughts that are not true, and can turn you into a basket case pretty quickly. The fact is you can make yourself happy by being "useful" to both yourself and the world, and you do not need to put all that negative energy into something that in the end will not fly.<P>I know that you will cry a lot and be feeling like crap, but this is the normal part of the process, and you have to go through it to understand yourself better.<P><BR>