I've posted before, but this is a new and depressing development. To recap, my long-term SO and I have had our share of troubles, but have also had more than enough love and laughter to pull us through. Recently, however, we went through a bad time (one situational trouble after another, combined with no chance to get away to regroup together) which culminated in some especially nasty arguments between us; at one point, I felt (and said) that I no longer loved him. We've since "made up," but to my horror (I very much want this relationship to work), it does seem to be true that I don't feel the love for him that I did. I know the experience of being "in love" (honeymoon phase) doesn't last forever, but it lasted more than four years for us, through thick and thin. Now it's almost as if some magic spell is broken. I don't see him in the same glowing way (he sometimes seems like a stranger to me), conversation doesn't flow easily, we don't have the fun we used to, sex isn't what it used to be. It's as if suddenly our gears don't mesh anymore, and I don't know how to fix it. I even wonder if it's just that I'm depressed from that stressful episode and so don't "feel" the love I still feel. I know relationships ebb and flow, but I'm worried. Could I just be "traumatized" from our recent fights, or does there come a time, if there are too many (and too horrible) fights, when you can really lose what you had?? If you CAN get the magic back again, HOW??? Any advice would be very much appreciated. <BR>

Its a touch situation... I know the feeling very well.<P>The funny thing is that althought I have felt the same way you have I realised it is only a mindset... sometimes we get so far into the mindset that before anything happens we have already made our minds up what the result is.<P>My partner and I have reached a stage where she has already condemned me to not being funny, nor fun to be around, nor comfortable to be around nor someone to share things with.<P>I find this so strange because we will sit in a room of people and all but HER will be on the floor laughing at my sense of humor, everyone else but HER tells me how caring I am and how comfortable I am to be near, and everone but HER finds conversation with me absolutely fascinating and captivating.<P>So what does it tell me? It says that even before my mouth is open she has blocked me out, has judged me and thrown away the key.... SO it is no longer about if I am actually all those wonderful things, now it only matters that she has packed me away.<P>It really hurts when I hear her say to me "Oh person X is so funny" because I see their humor and it is so close to mine... I cannot help but think "Why all of a sudden do you make points about someone else being funny and me not being fun when we are the same?".<P>Resentment and conflict do kill love, the put this gigantic mental barrier in front of it and stop all the good things from coming through... I dont think you have lost the love for your partner... I think you have successfully brainwashed or convinced yourself you dont love him any more.<P>Sit back and take a good look at him, "pretend" he is someone else completely, someone you haven't met, someone who hasn't hurt you.... look at his features closely, listen to his voice, his mannerisms... try to ignore those things that previously upset or ticked you off... look at him anew.<P>Remember old times, bring up old memories that are precious to you... the person sitting next to you was repsonsible for those memories, he didn't change into a monster over night... the same guy who made you smile all those times is still there under a blanket of pain.<P>Its just up to each of you to realise what is going on and try to not put each other into the bad box before its happened.<P>I hope it helps... it has depressed me greatly because nothing I do will make my lady even attempt to do this.... I am bad and thats all there is to it.

I feel for you, but I can't offer any helpful advice. I am in the same situation. I stay for the children. I think I could be happy on my own, but I can't leave yet.

quandry, <P>I definitely believe it is possible to lose the love you feel for someone. Does this mean your relationship is over? NO! I don't think so. I think you can get those feelings of love back.<P>Have your needs changed? It doesn't matter if they have, I'm just curious if that's contributing to the lack of love you're feeling. Have you filled out the emotional needs and/or lovebusters questionnaires? If not, maybe doing that would help you understand yourself and your feelings a little better.<P> Lizbeth

Noreen, I just noticed your reply. I've been where you are. It's a very lonely place to be. I thought my children would be enough, that I didn't NEED a fulfilling relationship with my spouse. I think the pain of being so alone finally got to be too much, and the difficulties of leaving seemed minor compared to the pain of staying in my marriage. I eventually was able to leave my husband. <P>You CAN be happy on your own. You can also be happy in your marriage. I used to fantasize about living alone or even finding another man. This is normal. But fantasizing about what could be doesn't change what is. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? I don't know specifically which to recommend, because I've only read Surviving an Affair so far, but you can look up the table of contents for each on this website to see which would be of interest to you. I'm starting Love Busters now. <P>I don't want to seem judgemental, Noreen, but you sound like you might be ripe for an affair. Personally, I like to think I'm not that kind of person. The truth is, if the right situation had presented itself I would have had an affair. I avoided putting myself in that postion, BUT if something (or someone) had fallen into my lap I would have been VERY vulnerable. <P>MY HUSBAND AND I ARE NOW LIVING TOGETHER AGAIN AND TRYING TO REBUILD OUR MARRIAGE. It is so hard, and so much work. We have problems that I didn't know about or understand. We are confronting issues that are extremely painful. We are trying to rebuild trust. I am on medication for anxiety, and I usually don't even take tylenol. LEAVING MY MARRIAGE WASN'T THE ANSWER. SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE PAIN AND START WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE BEFORE YOU REACH THIS POINT. <P>

quandry,<P>I don't think love dies, I think what actually happens is that it gets buried under lovebusters, and resentment and anger.<P>I think what needs to be done is that you need to start to put the bad behind you and look for a solution to the future you have. <P>What you need to do is fill out a his needs her needs questionnaire together, stop using lovebusters. <P>There is a good book called divorce busting which is by Michele Weiner-Davis you can buy it on the Divorcebusting site. "http://www.divorcebusting.com". <P>This shows you how to revive your marriage.<P>Have your needs changed? If they have then this could be why they are not getting met. <P>There are some great pointers someone posted me.<P>i) Don't take each other for granted. Say thank you whenever your spouse does something you liked.<P>ii) Don't assume, ask your spouse how things are. (Don't assume he is mad at you when really it could just be that he has got a piece of meat stuck in his tooth - no seriously 9 times out of 10 the person we think is mad at us, is actually mad at someone else or because of something else) Try saying have you had a bad day.<P>iii) Don't play shrink, listen but don't start telling your spouse how to fix things, this is disrespectful<P>iiii) Don't act out, if something annoyed you or has made you angry say so at the time<BR>E.g George, I don't like it when you don't clean up after making a sandwich.<BR>(Don't do what one lady did, her husband forgot the milk on the way home, so for one week she didn't make him any tea, he didn't have a clue what he had done wrong.<P>Most importantly instead of saying why me?<BR>Ask, what am I going to do about it?<P>You can re-light the fire but you need to poke it up. <P>I think it is true that we are all guilty of taking our spouses for granted and for becoming comfortable and stop trying so hard. It can take some many years for the wall to come up which signifies that you and your spouse have started slowly to live independent lives. However with some work it can be brought down again.<P>You could try following Harley's Policy agreement and this would help you both immensely.<P>Good luck,<BR>Keep me posted<BR>Take care<BR>Theressa <P>