My husband and I have been married for<BR>five years, this is our third marriage for<BR>both of us. I decided if I couldn't make<BR>this work there would be no more. Most of<BR>our time together has been bad memories.<BR>We rarely can look back and smile. We have<BR>survived infedelity (his off and on for the first three years), alcholism (binges for a month at a time for the past 4 years), and currently (this was a constant in our marriage)are troubled by mental abuse and<BR>a degree of physical abuse. He doesn't follow through with anything he says. He complains and says he is not able to communicate his "true" feelings. He contradicts himself constantly. When (rare) we have gone out together he has a bad attitude and makes me feel like he did me a favor. Everything in our lives has become a sore spot. I recently left home for a few days but this seem to make things worse. I don't work (due to gut wrenching arguements and staying up all night-fighting), and he no longer gives me any money. No bills have been paid since before I left 3 weeks ago. He wants to change everything around, even the things that were working. We don't agree on anything. It almost seems like he deliberately takes an opposite stand. This is if he even allows me to finish what I am saying. He now makes all the decisions and tells me later. It seems like he has cut me out but he doesn't want a seperation. I DO. <P>------------------<BR>Julie

We sound similar in that it looks like the baggage from past relationships is causing the problems and not the current relationship itself.<P>Its very hard in this world, everyone has something they bring with them... nobody is free from it. My partner and I have found it very difficult to see each other for who we really are and instead see each other through the eyes of past hurts.<P>We have just broken up, and although both of us love each other completely and being apart is just as bad as being together, we each need to deal with our past.<P>The honesty of it is that your partner does not deserve the problems of any relationship you had previously because he is a different person... and at the same time YOU dont deserve any of the problems from his past relationships... Its very difficult to see someone as they are and not think "Will this person do what X did to me?" or "Are they different? can I trust them?"<P>Your H wanting to make all the decisions and change even the "good" things is a reflex... it is his attempt to control the situation. I get the impression he might be thinking "This is going as bad as the others have... I need to do something _different_ or this one will end like the rest"... and so he is actively trying to make changes and control them so your relationship doesn't meet the same fate.<P>I think you both need to deal with this individually and be there for each other to help if needed... some people say you should have no contact at all but I am not so sure if this is good.. because you are not only having to deal with your past problems but also with the pain of losing that connection with your H at the same time.<P>Hang in there... one thing I am telling myself over and over is that if its meant to be it will be.