what do you do when your spouse wants a divorce and you dont? how do you stop loving someone who you promised to love, honor and cheerish all the days of your life? I am so sad! i love my husband so much but he wont give me another chance he wont even try counseling. Im trying so hard to let go but everytime i see him i break down (we have a 2 year old so we see each other almost everyday)how do you find the strength to go on with your life? I dont sleep or eat. if anyone has any advice on how i can get through this i would really appreciate it? im not close to my family and my friends live far away so im here alone! my husband has a supprtive family and lots of friends in the area so he doesn't understand why i am having such a hard time letting go and moving on. thanks in advance for any advice

-<p>[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited June 26, 2000).]

I am in the exact same situation, but my wife stopped loving me. I am now seperated and no one seems to understand the hurt I feel, exspecially my wife. She told me she was not "In love" with me a year ago. A year to the date, she filed for divorce. I am going through cycles. I feel okay for a couple of days. I see her and my kids a couple of times and appear strong, then the next time I breakdown. She says I will not be able to see her if I cannot "handle it". This is the person who used to pull me up, now she puts me down.<P>I understand what you are going through. I do not have answers. I am sorry, but you are not alone.

he came over last night with our son and i broke down again. i try so hard to keep it together but as soon as he brings up anything about our divorcing i break down. he keeps telling me i have to let go make a clean break how do i do that? is there such a thing as a clean break? he said if i really loved him i would let him go but my reply to that is if i didn't love him i would let him go and because i love him im holding on. it took all my strength just to get out of bed this morning.he wont even talk to me when i tell him how i feel he just says this is what we both want and keep saying no i dont want a divorce you are the only one who wants this and he tells me that deep down i want it to but i know how i feel and i dont want this. i just wish i could stop crying. well thanks for your words of encouragement.

Brokenheart,<P>There are a few of us over in the main listing that are going through the same thing. Take a look at the threads from Katya and steve1234 over there. We have been supporting each other through our tough times and have had some real good advice. Check it out and hopefully we can help you get through your problems too.

thanks for the advice i willl check it out monday is our court date so things seem rather hopeless now I guess that i cant save my marriage i just have to keep myself to gether for the sake of our little boy this is going to be so hard for him. its already having an affect on him whenever one of us leaves the room he totally freaks out and starts crying and he's only 2 so i have to be strong for him. Im thinking of going to see a therapist just so i have someone to discuss my feelings with its hard to express how i really feel on a computer screen. just wish i could stop crying

Dear Brokenheart<P>I feel your pain. My wife left five months ago for some "space". After one month she decided divorce was the answer to her pain. She now is involved with a man 10+ years younger. She is trying to relive her adolescence, trying to look and act 18 again. I have read a number of books on how to save your marriage alone, and other great books that believe in saving marriages. I will send you a list if you would like. My e-mail is larorem@aol.com<P>I also think its a great idea to see a counselor so you have someone to talk through your pain. My only advice is to be careful in selecting a counselor, unfortunately there are still way to many that believe divorce is the solution to a couple problems.<P>Try to hang in there. I promise you it will get better. Keep in touch with members on this site and feel there love for you. You are a special person and deserve the very best.

I just found this site and posted myself. Again, I don't have words of wisdom, just am in the same predicament. He never told me how he felt, just packed up when I was playing in the park with our son. He's at relatives now. Says he feels nothing and doesn't want to try counseling. I'm not eating or sleeping and am having a hard time with our 10 month old. I just wanted you to know there are more of us out here and your feelings are normal & shared. I pray for both of us

hi lisa,<BR>sorry to hear that we are going through the same thing the people on this site are very nice and helpful. my husband doesn't want to reconcile so i have decided that i can either sit here and cry myself to sleep every night or i can go back out into the world and start over. i have chosen the latter dont get me wronge i still love my husband and would love to get back together but i have to start thinking of my future without him since he has already done the same i know how you feel its hard especially when you have young chilren im lucky though my husband is still a huge part of our sons life so things are a little easier to deal with when it comes to our son. I recently read a book called divorce-busting you should pick it up it has a lot of really great advice if it doesn't help your marriage it will atleast help you with your future relationships. It didn't help my marriage because my husband gave up on us, but i have become enlightened and feel that any relationship i may have in future will be better than the one i had with my husband. I do hope you and your husband can work things out I personally feel divorce should only be used when all else has failed so good luck to you and your husband!<BR>lori

brokenheart,I would be careful but my husband tryed to do that to me but why? It was because he was developing feelings for another woman there was no sexual contact I believe but the fatc that he tryed to start an affair .I'm not trying to bring you down anymore than you are already.I am just asking you to be careful and if you find out this is the case beleive me IT IS NOT WORTH IT!! It took me awhile to believe that but one day I just cracked!I left him and who came crawling back,well lets just say it wasn't me.My husband would tell me all sorts of things that I need to deal with the fact he wanted a divorce,that he doesn't love me anymore etc.... I just wanted to die I never knew of such a horrible feeling and the same thing happened to me the no sleeping,no eating even it flared up my anxiety attacks I was going through pure hell.I had to stop and think of my well being and my babies.Don't get me wrong the reason I went through all this is because I really loved him and no matter how hard I tryed to understand I couldn't.But he's with me now and but I've been deeply traumatized by the whole ordeal the other woman,things he said I mean at times he was real cold blooded to me heartless even.The shoe is on the other foot now I don't love him as much as I use to and I have feelings of hatred for him,theres love but mostly hate.You have to think of your kids and yourself I had to come to that conclusion myself.Unfortunatly what happens next good or bad you'll just have to deal with it hon LIFE IS TO SHORT!I'll pray for you!You can email me at starbryt1@yahoo.com

To Anyone who read my last post on this thread.<P>I do not blame my wife for leaving me as it may have sounded in my post. She has experienced great pain and has the right to do whats best for her.<P>As far as her seeing a younger man and trying to look younger. I believe She is trying to heal from the pain I caused her. Her self-esteem and feeling of self worth are at the bottom. I am the last person on this earth who should be in judgement of my wife. My apologies to my wife for adding insult to injury.<P>Has anyone checked out the Web site<BR>WWW.divorceasfriends.com It name is very misleading. The site is operated by Bill Ferguson, Author of "How To Heal a Painful Relationship", "Heal the Hurt That Runs Your Life", and "How To Divorce as Friends. The site is full of great information for those of us that want to save our marriages. It is definetly a must visit site.<P>Would like to hear any feedback about the information on that site.<P>For all of you on this journey, I can say that I finally realized I was not driving the BUS. I only thought I was driving the bus. I was like the little kids at the amusement park, turning the steering wheel on the cars they were driving, thinking that you were in total control. Now that I realize I am really not driving the bus, I have moved to a different seat on the bus, and am along for the ride. And what a ride it has been. God has a new adventure for me everyday. I can't wait to see what is ahead <BR>on this adventure. It has been full of pain, and I can"t wait for the joy that lies ahead.

Hi BrokenHeart,<P>I am so mad at your husband. You should leave him in a jungle so that a lion can eat him up. Tell your kid when he grows up that it was all a bad childhood dream and he never had a father and he came directly from the heaven. Why do people destroy lives? <P>I don't know what advise to offer you as I am suffering a lot myself. At least you have your kid's company. Which is good and bad. It's a life long reminder of your husband but probably someone there to wipe your tears. I am so lonely in my apartment I miss my wife so much. I have no tomorrow without her. There is no sunshine without her. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. The moment you love someone it's an open invitation to someone that can destroy your complete existence. Buddha was right when he said that the cause for sorrow. The cause is attachment. If you can get rid of the attachment you can get rid of the sorrow. <P>When my wife filed for D I hardly eat for three days. She called me yesterday after 10 weeks both at work and home. I broke down probably people heard me. I have no desire to live any more. Feel cheated in life. Probably you do too. If you love me you will let me go. That is the biggest balogna I have heard. He is just selfish. <P>How did things start getting bad between the two of you? What reasons does he have to complain against you? Do your best to make a change. Make him see how the kid is going to suffer on account of the split. Try to talk to his parents, his friends. Be careful it can have the opposite affect. We pray to the God that the wisdom will dawn on him. If it doesn't I don't know what to say. That's where I am too. There is a big blackhole after that. It sucks all the hope. But I am sure we will all keep breathing even after that. I don't know if there will be any sensation left or the mind will be completely numb. I am so disappointed and disenchanted with all this. Why can't people make a slight effort to stay together? Good luck friend the world belongs to the positive people. I know it a time of great up and down. But try to be as much positive as you can. Support other people you might feel better. Help others your sadness will go down. You will feel the strength. Take care of your beautiful child! <BR>

hi,<BR>I read your Bio we sound like we are going through the same thing. Our marriage problems also have to do with money problems and they just accelerated any other small problem we were having. I know exactly how you are feeling I have this lump in the pit of my stomach that wont go away. I have decided to start a new life without him but its easier said than done.The sad part is that we live in a no fault divorce state so he doesn't have to have a reason he just has to say he wants a divorce and thats it he gets one isn't that awful that it is that easy to walk out on a marriage. I dont think it should bbe so easy they make you go through more to get married then they do to end a marriage it doesn't make sense to me. I love my son but now i wish i would have waited a little longer to have children this is so unfair to him, he is only 2 he shouldn't have to deal with something like this at his age. well i am praying for you I hope god gives you the strength you need to make it through this, I know first hand how hard it is to lose someone you love with all your heart. I also break down a lot in front of my husband but i see him almost everyday so its hard not too. Lately he has been very cold and distant towards me someone suggested he was having an affair i dont know maybe but he has never cheated on me in the past and he works a lot so i really dont know where he would find the time to cheat plus he comes over here every night after work to pick up our son and he usually has dinner with me. today is going to be tough though he is moving all of his stuff out. Well good luck and thank you so much for your words of support.

broken heart, my heart goes out to you. I would advise that you reach out now to people you may never have considered friends befor. You see I too have been in a situation where my husband was leaving, it turned out he had feelings for another it broke me. You must understand though, that being broken can open new worlds, through pain there can be a rebirth. Look in the mirror and imagine a time when you were small really think about who you were and what you though of this great big world. Start there and take care of yourself, nurture yourself. If your husband is going to divorce you there is nothing you can do if he regrets it later on you can address it then, but today take care and remember that although you don't think this could possibly be true - time will heal and seperate you from this very intence pain. Please reach out go to someone and let this all out you need a hand in the storm and you are going to have to find it yourself. Take care. kim

I posted to you a couple of weeks ago. I am feeling better. What I did was this: 1) I accepted the fact that we may not get back together. 2) I took my w advice and started trying to better myself instead of trying to fix her or us. You have no control over anyone's feelings but yourself. 3) I started an exercise program. 4) I rededicated myself to Christ and asked him to take my burden.<P>I do feel better and people say I act like it. I do still hope for reconciliation and my w seeing that I am going to make it without her will do nothing but help our situation. I also have children they did not need to ask again, "Daddy, why do you cry everytime you see Mommy?" <P>Time helps. Just take it one day at a time. Refuse to allow yourself to think beyond making it through today.<P>I love you in Christ. Email me at cb083062@homtail.com if you want to talk. I check it everyday. Remember: "I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, but I can make it through today."

I read all the above responses to brokenheart's posting --- and my first thought is that isn't it a problem when one part of the relationship bases their own self worth on their spouse? We are all invididuals and cannot give to another person until we are secure with ourselves --- remember "you can't love another until you first love yourself?" I feel everyone's pain here --- and I have been suffering a great deal myself --- but marriage is a two way street that has to be walked hand in hand. And if one person decides they don't love the other, and they want out, as painful as it is, if you love them, you should let them go without arguing, fighting or clinging. You have more self worth than that --- and perhaps it is not meant to be and someone much more wonderful will come along. I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you to realize your own self worth!