My W is in the third stage of marriage...withdrawal. Dr. Harley states that the next step is to bring her back into the conflict stage.<BR>How...When...Why?<P>Does anyone have experience here?<BR>Advice?<P>Thank you.

Berg,<P>Look through the basic concepts, and focus on lovebusters. Do you use any of the following on your wife?<P>Angry Outbursts<BR>Selfish Demands<BR>Disrespectful Judgements<BR>Dishonesty<P>If you do, your first goal should be to completely eliminate your behaviors that cause your wife pain. It doesn't matter what she does to you (well, it does matter, but it shouldn't affect your plan)---you must eliminate those undesirable behaviors.<P>From there, you then should learn to meet her important emotional needs, in a way that she wants them to be met. <P>Harley has several good books that can help you in this: Lovebusters, Give and Take, and His Needs/Her Needs. Remember, once you get your wife back into the conflict stage---NO CONFLICT should come from you. Don't defend actions---just apologize. Learn from your mistakes. You need to establish a consistant track record with these new behaviors---you have to convince your wife that your goal is to keep this up for life, and for her benefit.

Thank you for your response K.<BR>I am reading "Give and Take" now.<BR>I have never been known for my patience and I guess I am looking for something that would encourage me to continue. This has been going on for 3 months and I am being careful but I do not understand what really constitutes advancement.<BR>As for the "love busters" I am certainly able to see how we have gotten to where we are. I have not been a perfect mate. I wish there were some way for my W to believe that I am changing and truly want to get back to intimacy for her sake as well as my own. I do so want her to be happy.<P>Berg

Berg,<P>One of Harley's four rules for a successful marriage is the rule of complete honesty.<P>How much of this have you discussed with your wife? If you've already been trying (and doing a great job) for a couple months, does she know about your effort??? I'd suggest that you let her know, and gather her input on where the most effective places would be for you to start. Ask for her feedback, but be careful to do nothing but thank her for it if it's negative. Don't defend.<P>If you want your wife to be happy, let her know that this is your primary goal. And ask for her help. She may be unable or unwilling, but if she listens to you, she'll realize that you have her best interests at heart.<P>One important thing with this first step in eliminating lovebusters is to establish a consistant track record. You don't want to put effort into it for a week or two, then lovebust, then try for another few days, then lovebust again... that cycle will push your wife away. She won't be able to trust your effort. Aim for "perfection", and when you slip up, immediately apologize and learn from the mistake.

Berg:<P>Another piece of information that might help is something out of this months newsletter (hot off the e-presses):<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html</A> <P>This is Dr. Harley's article entitled: "How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage"

K:<P>Interesting.....I had just read the article.I have ordered the books to follow this plan just now.<BR>(must be something to this)<BR>I have not spoken to my W about this.<BR>I feel that I need to build her trust in me a little more before I start making claims about being a new "me". I know I am changing and have the committment to follow through but I am not sure she will (or should) believe it.<BR>Thanks <BR>Berg

This is really confusing to me. Last night we behaved almost like we didn't have any problems. We laughed and talked about everything but our relationship. It was fun and refreshing. Yet, when we went to bed there was still a two mile gulf between us. No "goodnight" and no kiss. There must be four people living together!<BR>I woke up at midnight and couldn't get back to sleep. I mulled things over in my mind and I decided I was pretty angry and thought it was time to make a decision about leaving.My patience and understanding are wearing thin, even though I know it is my own fault.<BR> When my W got up she at first ignored me and then came back for a kiss and a"hug".Can anyone tell me what is going on?

Last night...the worst night of my life.<BR>My. W told me she has not changed her mind at all and she wants a separation. She tells me sha has " already divorced me in her mind!" Then what she really wants is a divorce.<BR>She "WILL NOT" go to counselling to try and fix anything. She does not want to work on the marriage she wants it to end.<P>She will go with me to a counsellor to discuss how to deal with the issue for our sons. That is it.<BR>23 years.....<BR>Can anyone help?

I keep checking to see if there are any responses on this to no avail. Is there no one else in this position or have been in this position? How about some help? Is there no one?

I've read your posts and feel bad that no one is responding. I just signed up yesterday, I have no great wisdom. I don't know if you've written other posts or read others but my only advice is to write her a letter. Pour out your heart, be honest, don't exaggerate or minimize. I hope things work out for you. Don't give up hope. Love is a commitment, not just feelings. Sorry that you're not getting responses.<BR>