I hate having to write this to you. My husband left us right after our second child was born. He also has been unwilling to work on the marriage, but also unwilling to divorce. We're separated for one year now. I have PLENTY of advice for you.<P>First, understand that this is about him, not about you. People don't up and walk away from a marriage with children for the reasons you stated without trying to work through them. Listen to what he says when he tells you why, fix that which you agree with, but throw the rest out. It is probably justification for his behavior, not a true reflection of the situation.<P>Second, it's very likely there's a third party involved (gulp!). Almost always is when they're unwilling to work things out and act like everything is your fault. Start reading and you'll see that men have a high nesting need. They almost never leave a relationship unless they have somewhere else to go.<P>Third, read, read, read. Everything at this website. All the Harley books, Divorce Busters by Michele Weiner-Davis. If there's an affair, I have plenty more suggestions. You might want to try to find out about this quickly.<P>Fourth, take deep breaths and calm down. DO NOT MAKE ANY BIG DECISIONS for a long time, at least two or three months. You CANNOT be objective about what you want under these circumstances. Get a better understanding about what's going on, do the reading and wait for your negative emotions (hurt and anger) to subside before they drive your decision making.<P>Five, get your own life in order. Get counseling for yourself. Arrange for help with your domestic responsibilities. Don't turn yourself into a martyr. Ask people for help and let them give it to you. Become the "best you" that you can be.<P>Six, as you relate to your husband, try to hold off on the contact until you read the Harley Plan A materials and I suggest Divorce Busting as well. Until then, no begging, pleading, crying, making him feel guilty, judging, etc. Don't talk to him about your relationship at all. Try to keep your interactions as light and pleasant as you can under these circumstances. Basically, what you need to do for now is avoid Love Busting (doing further damage through anger, disrespectful judgments and demands) while you get your plan in order.<P>Odds are this is going to last a long time, multiple. The pace is determined by him, not you. Remember again, this is not your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Only he can.<P>You'll see him going through many emotional changes during this process, as will you. It isn't easy but believe it or not it's possible for both of you to grow from this experience. Just don't expect quick resolution.<P>I wish you all the best.
