I am very much in love with a super man who is in love with me. Our problem is this: He has only had sex with one other person- his former wife and I have had sex with several other persons including my former husband. He is having a very serious problem with the fact that I would have had sex with people in what he has called "recreational" sex. I, of course, did not view my former sex experiences as "recreational". I genuinely cared for the people that I chose to have sex with and thought that our relationship would go further. I made some mistakes and gave in too quickly. I have made peace with myself over this poor lack of judgement. I was married for 14 years and totally faithful all 14 years. Now that I am older and hopefully, more mature, I believe that I have a better sense of judgement and deeper moral convictions. I will not and do not give myself to just anyone. I do not want to have any other lover in my life except for the one I am engaged to. He is the love of my life. He totally meets my emotional needs and my love bank is overflowing!<BR>He is having some serious problems accepting the fact that he is not #2 and that there may be several other lovers in my life. I have not told him how many and I don't want to. I don't understand how this will help anything for him or me. <BR>He says that he is not leaving me or that he loves me less, but that he is having a problem with it. His problem with it affects our relationship, of course. He can't seem to get past it. He thinks about it when we make love and are intimate. He wonders how I was with other people. I think that he doesn't believe that he is any more special than someone else that I have had sex with. He doesn't even want to go to a city that I have been to before with another man. He wants to be in places that only the two of us can share in. I appreciate this idea, but there may come a time when we have to be in a city that I have been in and had a relationship in. <BR>What can I do to help? There is nothing that I can do to change my past. I wish many times that I could. I want to be perfect for him, but I am not when it comes to this sex thing. I feel like I work very hard to make him feel special and I believe that I do except when it comes to sex. Now, since he has shared his thoughts with me, I am afraid that I will have problems and be worried every time that we are together and won't be able to be with him freely. I will be wondering what he is wondering about.<P>What can I do?<P>Lori<BR>

lori<BR>i think first of all--you need to give him a number sweetie. While this may be no big deal to you--to him it matters. I can speak for myself and tell you my hub lied to me before marriage as to how many he had been with. He had told me only one other. It took me forever just to accept the fact that he HAD BEEN with just the one. I was a virgin and had only been with him. Now after being married for three years i found out through one of his buddies it was more than the one. When i asked he finally confessed that it was more than three.....and god it hurt....i asked more than four and he said yes.....and then i could never know anymore than that cause it hurt so badly. So i understand his difficulty. Now for a man, this is also an ego thing i think. Perhaps his hurt deals more to the fact that you are more experienced in some sense because you have had more partners. I know this is hard for you, but you need to tell him. And maybe that will help, maybe the problem is just the mystery. Whether it was 5 or 50 you need to fess up. The relationship must be honest and if he is going to spend forever with you he does have the right to know. I am sorry but i dont know what you could do to help him get over this but my onlly advice would be to please talk to him lovingly and as openly as you have here. Let him read the post if necessary. Afterall, you have shared you deepest concerns and feelings about this with strangers, share it with him it may help. good luck to you honey.<P>jess

Gee whiz, I hate this. What the heck difference does it make? Wanting to control someone's past is more a function of one's own self-doubt than any reflection on the partner's (or prospective partner's) "fitness."<P>Only you know your man, LoriB, but sight unseen, I'd say that he has some pretty serious feelings of inadequacy -- sexually and otherwise. He's afraid he doesn't -- or won't -- or can't "measure up", and rather than deal with his own fears and anxieties, he projects them onto you, making YOU the bad guy for not "saving yourself" for him.<P>What's even more disturbing to me is that it's NOT just limited to sex. Even if we allow that he has strong religious convictions about sex outside of the marital relationship, expecting you to have never even DATED anyone else, and not wanting to even VISIT a place you've been to with another man is just absurd -- and indicative of a pathological degree of jealousy, IMHO.<P>I agree with jess that you should give him a number -- not because he's "entitled" to it, but to call his bluff. I will tell you this, though -- tread very carefully. Jealous people cannot be reassured, because jealousy is not a function of "love", it's one of control and feelings of inadequacy within oneself. There is no amount of reassurance you can give such a person that will fill that "black hole", because it's in HIM, not you.<P>Already you're going overboard to "make it up to him." This will only continue after marriage. Do you want a marriage where you cannot have ANY of your own life, because your H is afraid you're with someone else?<P>I know what I'm talking about, honey, because I am a jealous person. Not to the extent your H is, but in one particular situation in my life (read my profile), I have that jealousy. And yeah, it's a function of my own lack of self-esteem.<P>Think about it.<BR>

Lori,<P>I'm going to weigh in with Harley's rule of Complete Honesty. You should be willing to tell your "potential" mate everything about your past---both good and bad. <P>You should read the sections on this website pertaining to this (under Concepts---The four rules for successful marriages). Go over this with your boyfriend; perhaps even by Harley's book "The four Gifts of Love". Offer complete honesty to him. He needs to know how to respond to this honesty (no lovebusters). <P>If you can't be honest with him, or he can't accept it, than a marriage with him would be a bad decision.

Lori,<P>At first I thought that all of you sexual relationships were before your 14 years on monogomy in your previous marriage. I assumed this because you said that you are more mature now. If my assuption is correct you have a proven track record and it is probably your fiance that has a problem as other suggest. Then you say that you are being intimate with your fiance. That makes me wonder what you have actually learned about having sex outside of marriage. This also makes me wonder if some of your sexual relationships have been after your previous marriage. It sounds to me that you haven't learned much. Once again you have engaged in sex outside of marriage and apparently have undersestimated the potential of the relationship again. Your willingness to engage in sex before marriage with your fiance in my view would negate anything you could say about how you have changed and matured. Your fiance may even have been the one that pressed you for the sex that has now caused great doubt in his mind. You are absolutely correct when you say that you cannot change your past. However, when you continue in the patterns of the past (sex outside of marriage) why would anyone expect that your future would be any different. Maybe your fiance has issues of inadequacy and maybe he has valid reasons for concern. Having sex with your fiance has done nothing but potentially added another chapter in your sexual history for the next guy to wonder about. When will people learn that sex outside of marriage is a relational land mine.<BR>

lorib,<BR>i didn't read all the responses so i might be repeating some, anyway, i have to wonder why a man would be bothered by your past sexual experiences. i asked my w how many and she told me. i don't remember the number but it was several. i was glad. she picked me over all them. i think it's a huge mistake to marry as a virgin. there are just too many unknowns to be discovered in a fixed relationship, imho. i question the mans' matureity. i would expect a man to be able to deal with it and if he can't you probablly should have some doubts. i think he's too much a prude, too uptight and is probably inhibited and would be a boreing sex partner. what ever emotional/sexual baggage he carries now will become a ball and chain after marriage. don't marry him. if you do, one day we'll read about how you can't get him to touch you, or have oral sex, or doesn't want to do it but once a month and then it will be a wham bam, thank you mam.<BR>make damn sure the sex is wonderful before you marry, make no excuses for his bad perfomances, don't expect to be the exception. if it's not a delight now it will only get worse.<BR>i hope i not too brutal or discourageing becausing i just want to be clear about this and want what's best for you.<BR>good luck!!