Im so confused...I am in love with two men. I was married to my first love my senior year in HS. Divorced b/c of drinking and him being gone(military)and b/c i wanted someone there and he wasnt. We have been together in our hearts now for 11yrs. My current husband is great with our daughter. He just joined the military with my approval.I love him and love to spend time with him. When i am alone i then think of my ex husband. We email one another and keep in contact and he tells me that he has always loved me and is now a differant man. Before my current husbands job change we almost seperated. I wanted to return to ex. I dont know why i cant stop thinking of my ex. I have this need to talk with him, know how he is doing and often dream about us making love. Why is it possable to love two at once, and yes, i do appreciate what i have but i cant deny what i feel for my past husband. I often wonder did i give him a fair chance, should i stayed and worked things out...i just dont know...my heart is breaking.

Brenda - <BR>I totally understand how you feel 100% !! What a confusing feeling ... and so difficult to live with day in and day out. I too, married my first and only true love right after high school ... we too divorced due to his drinking problem (and infidelity while drunk) and the problems became overwhelming trying to handle along with my 2 small children. I divorced him and 3 years later remarried a man whom I love, too, and who is very good with my two children from my previous marriage and our one child together. I have NEVER let that underlying love for my ex go either. No matter how hard I try, how much I love husband, he is there ... stuck inside me ... and I too, have questioned and questioned if I did the right thing, if I should have given him a chance, if I divorced too hastily giving up on the problems. I was not sure if your child was from your ex or current husband ... mine are from ex so that our seeing each other continues on a fair amount of time basis ... almost daily. Unlike you (and probably for my own good!) I do not know anymore how my ex feels about me (other than we are good friends now) - because he is the type that would never be a part of breaking up my current year marriage. Its a strange circumstance ... but like you, everytime I see him (and its a lot) its just a flustering feeling inside of me that IS NOT going to go away. I try to hide it, pretend its not there, put it aside and close the door ... but I can't. I too, love my husband ... and have no intention of breaking apart our marriage ... I believe we will stay married forever, but its a tough situation to live in when the LOVE of our first love sits in our hearts. How are you handling this??? <BR>Interesting post!

Brenda, (and CNDY)<P>What you have both admitted to here is that you are carrying on an emotional affair with your ex husband. You talk of how you don't want to tear apart your present marriage yet your actions are working in that direction. You are no longer married to him. If contact is necesary because of children visitation the contact must be for that purpose only. Brenda, it is sounds like you have no children with this man thus any contact with him is inappropriate. You have even agreed to the same career for your present husband that contributed to the destruction of your first marriage. What are you thinking? As adults we have to live with the consequences of our descisions. You descided to divorce and it sounds like you had good reason to. Now you jepordize your present marriage because you insist on entertaining doubts about your previous decision. The reason you have these recurring feelings for your ex is because you like to ponder them. Let me tell you as a man if I allowed myself to think about what life might be like with a woman other then my wife it would not be long before those thoughts became more and more frequent. Then eventually I would become less happy with my wife. Then I would begin to question if I had married the wrong person. Then I would start to fantisize what it might be like to be intimate with my "new" soul mate. All of a sudden I can think of no one but her and I want out of my marriage. Now mind you all of my hopes for this new relationship are based entirely on fiction and the unknown. You on the other hand know what this was like to live with this guy and you got rid of him. You can not control whether you have a thought about him but you can control what you do with that thought. If you ponder it and roll it over in your mind you have made the descision to scrap your present marriage. However if you remind yourself of your commitment to your husband and the kids you now are repsonsible for you will force the thought out of your mind as "not an option". Is this going to be easy. NO!! But it will never be easier then is is right now. The longer you hang on to these thoughts the harding making the break will be. Trust me you must break this off. <P> <p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 12, 1999).]

thank you so much cndy for understanding..it feels so wonderful to finally meet someone that knows what i am feeling. I cant put it aside, it is in me daily. Mudder, i am not trying to break up my current marriage but to understnad why i have these feelings for my ex. Did i give him fair chance? should i have held on? I listen to a slow song and every 80's song is "OUR SONG", it reminds me of everthing...now please dont tell me to stop listening to radio bc/ that isnt an option. If i can only have my ex in my mind then it is worth it to me to be able to remember the past. We both talk and we both have come to the conclusion that we just cant let go of what he had and what we now have in our hearts. I have remained loyal to my present husband in case you are wondering. I have only seen him once since our divorce. For 6hrs we talked, person to person...felt soo good to hear him tell me that he loved me..i dont know why and i cant explain but it did. I dont know if its b/c i have loved this man like no other , is it b/c he was my first to everything that keeps us connected? I dont know...my heart is breaking, i dont want this but how can i ignore what my heart says on a daily basis?

Brenda,<P>you say "thank you so much cndy for understanding..it feels so wonderful to finally meet someone that knows what i am feeling."<P>Please don't take finding someone else that is acting as foolishly and dangerously as you as validation of your actions. If something is foolish and dangerous it is no less so just because a lot of people are doing it.<P>You say "I cant put it aside, it is in me daily." <BR>The reality is you WONT put it aside. That is unless you have no control over your thoughts and and emotions. If you look at my post again you will see that I said that you can't make the thoughts and feelings stop. But you can decide not to ponder them and to fill your mind with thoughts of your present husband and all that is good and special about him.<P>You say "Mudder, i am not trying to break up my current marriage ."<P>I did not say that you were. But I was and still am trying to point out that what you are doing is dangerous and harmful to the relationship you should be having with your husband.<P>You say "but to understnad why i have these feelings for my ex. Did i give him fair chance? should i have held on? "<P> I can not answer why you have these nagging feelings. My question is why is finding out such a great concern? If I run into an old girlfriend I'm sure I might have a twinge of emotion. But I will not, as an act of love for my wife, roll that thought over in my mind? What "might have been" is a moot question for me because I married someone else and so did you!<P>You say "If i can only have my ex in my mind then it is worth it to me to be able to remember the past."<P>You have answered your own question here about why you have these feelings. It is because you want to have them. You have also stated that having them is worth it. Worth what? Damaging your relationship with your husband? Breaking up your marriage? Inflicting more pain on your children? If it is worth all of that then go ahead and wallow in these feelings. NOTHING good for your present marriage can possibly come out of this.<P>You say "I have remained loyal to my present husband in case you are wondering."<P>For now. Trust me this will change if you continue on the path you are on. You have already had sexual thoughts about your ex I'll bet.<P>You say "felt soo good to hear him tell me that he loved me..i dont know why and i cant explain but it did."<P>Now we are getting somewhere...It felt good because some of your emotional needs are not being met with your present husband. I would recommend that you channel all of the emotional energy you are spending on your ex and redirect it towards identifying and fixing the problems in your present marriage. Start by reading Dr. Harley's stuff on this site. Ask your husband to read it too. Tell him you are committed to making your marriage even better. Then talk to gether about what you have read. If you are still having trouble with your emotional needs not being met then a little couseling might be in order. <P>you say "i dont want this"<P>If this is true then you are the only one that can make the changes needed to to break the cycle that you have allowed to develope.<P>You say "how can i ignore what my heart says on a daily basis?"<P>Start by stopping all contact with your ex. Write him (e-mail) and tell him for the health of your marriage you have to break off your contact with him. Tell him you wish him well in his new life and if he wishes you well in yours he will not try to contact you again. It is likely that he will try to contact you again so have your game plan ready BEFORE that happens. If he e-mails you delete the e-mail BEFORE you read it! Screen your calls. Will this be hard YES! Remember you are fighting for the survival and health of your marriage. If you wont do these things you are headed for a life of misery weather you stay faithful to your husband or not. <P>Brenda is I sound harsh it is because I recognize the "fire" you are playing with and I'm trying to get you to recognize it as well. I beleive that you are stonger then you sound in these posts. I beleive that you are not the kind of person that would risk what is right, and wholsome and good for a taste of the past that wasn't so good. How you respond to this should have nothing to do with how you feel right now but what you want for you and your family's future.<BR>CNDY if your listening ditto!!! <P><BR>

Mudder -<BR>#1 - I have not let my ex husband know how I feel inside the entire 9 years of our divorce.<BR>#2 - we share 2 children. Its not like saying "don't see him" and just deal with visitation. I see the guy on a daily basis... he coaches BOTH my boys ball teams, goes to all their school events, attends every social event that I attend FOR THEM. So, your saying - exit out of his life which would be out of kids life too??<BR>#3 - your jumping to conclusions - I, in fact, have total control over my "actions" and would NEVER consider touching, talking intimately, or initiating other contact with my ex. I'm not stupid enough to get myself into that mess. In fact, he actually sits and talks to me and my husband every weekend at our sons football games. <BR>#4 - we are only talking about feelings here ... not emotional affairs (of course, we all have different opinions of these) - I don't desire to be with him sexually - won't be with him, but he IS there in my brain and I can't get it out. <BR>#5 - My ex does not Email me about ANYTHING personal other than our 2 kids, doesn't call my house to chat with me - but calls nightly and talks to the kids (or the husband) <BR>#6 - My husband comes first and will come first ... but these feelings and emotions ARE there and existant ... this ex of mine DID change his life for the better ... needless to say, I moved on, but let us at least express our feelings here without bashing us for having them. I have no desire to have an affair and think its disgusting ... as it happened to me already.

CNDY,<P>If you look closely you will see that my last post was addressed to Brenda. Yes I mentioned you at the end but only for you to apply anything that fit your situation. You sound pretty defensive in your reply. <P>#1 Why haven't you talked with your husband about your feelings? Is it because his knowing would be detrimental to your relationship? If so all the more reason to keep those feelings in check (which you seem to be doing). I'm simply trying to communicate the dangers of not letting go. <P>#2 Remember I was talking to Brenda. Contact with your ex is a must because of your children! It just is something to be very careful about. Keep your husbadn in the loop as much as possible as you seem to be doing.<P>#3 Anyone who posts on this board must draw some conclusions. You now sound like you are aware of how harmful these feeling could be to your marriage (though you have never stated so). As I look back at your previous post you sounded pretty stary eyed to me.<P>#4 Feelings are the launching pad for actions. You sound like you have set up boundaries for now which is good. And yes we do have our own oppinions about what constitutes and emotional affair. I realize now that I have been in them in the past. I also have seen a very close friend cause immeasurable pain because an emotional affair became physical. It happens even when that was the farthest thing from their minds when it all started.<P>#5 Again I was talking to Brenda and if you look at her posts you will see that she is defintely nibbling around the edges of disaster.<P>#6 Good for you that you have put your husband first and intend to keep it that way. The feelings you are experiencing seem to be what I would call a fondness now that you have expanded on them. If I sounded like I was bashing anyone I apologize. My intention was to warn of dangerous behaviors. I don't think I ever made light of Brenda's or your feelings.<BR>If folks can't respond to a post then what is the point of this board. I believe that Brenda was here looking for validation that what she was toying with was ok. Your first post only identified with her but offered no warnig. Warning from you would be much more powerful then anything I could say because you can identify with what she is experiencing better then I. I can now see that you have carefully compartmentalized your ex. To that I say bravo! <P>

First off Mudder let me say all iwas looking for was for SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND HOW I WAS FEELING and cndy has done that, without bashing me, hurting me, or telling me how stupid i was being she just let me know i wasnt alone in how i am FEELING INSIDE. I love my husband very much and we have been through alot. I honor him and do not want a divorce but i wanted to know if anyone else had "feeling"or thoughts about there ex husbands(notice i didnt say boyfriends!!). I shared a vow with this man and then as i look back i wonder if i gave him the chance he deserved. Yes, i know i need to give my present husband a chance AND I AM. I appreciated Cndy being open with me, b/c i really thought i was alone in my feelings and was feeling very isolated...its hard to deal with what we are feeling and WE CANT JUST MAKE IT VANISH.

Brenda,<P>Please don't put words into my mouth. I never called you stupid. I did say that some of your actions were foolish and dangerous. Bashing??? This is where people come for advice and help. I never said you were the only one that has had these feelings. Alas the advice I offered was based on personal experience and observations. If you think I'm full of beans just say so adn I won't waste any effort on you. If I see someone in trouble or headed for trouble I feel obligated to try and help. That is why many of us hang around on these boards.

Brenda,<P>Whether you should have divorced your first husband or not is a difficult question and one that you can probably second guess for a lifetime. I hear the strong feeling that you have about him... he was your husband and marriages are a serious endeavor which can and do last a lifetime. But you have chosen to divorce and remarry. Focus is needed on this fact. I acknowledge that your feelings are there and they may cause a deep sense of regret and loss that you cannot control but the choice to remarry was made and we can not change the past (e.g., The Great Gatsby). As these feeling arise focus on your H and not your ex, build up your account in his love bank, etc... The stronger the feelings for your H the less there should be for your ex. The best is a rock solid marriage now. <P>I believe that your experience will be valuable to others considering divorce and the regrets that can follow. What advice would you give to someone thinking about leaving a spouse?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Triumph2 (edited October 21, 1999).]