Help! After 13 years of marriage (plus 3 of living together first), my husband and I are seeing horrible, angry sides of each other for the first time. We have two beautiful daughters who have been terribly hurt by seeing us explode to one another twice in the last month. <BR> For some time now, I have not felt the attraction toward him that I felt before we had kids. I loved being intimate with him then, and on and off over the years, but I guess my anger toward him over everyday little things has added up and turned me off. We have sex between 1 and 3 times a month (early on it was 2-5 times a week), and he has often says he feels "unloved." I fantasize about other men but would not act on it.<BR> He says divorce is not something he even contemplates, but I think he is very angry at me and has convinced himself this is just the way things are going to be. When we argue, he says I'm always miserable. Later he apologizes and says he did'nt mean it. I don't feel that he I can express anything but happy emotions with him without fear of being labeled "miserable." <BR> Anyway, last night was a real wake-up call that we need help. Just before bed, he put me down and I told him to leave the room. I am always the one to go to the couch and I told him it was his turn. (he has no problem sleeping "angry" in the same bed--I cannot do that!). When he wouldn't leave, I lost control and pushed him toward the door. He grabbed a pillow and wacked me with it hard several times. Very sadly, our 10-year old daughter heard us and woke up sobbing, "I'm afraid you're going to get divorced." It took me a long time to calm her down. <BR> Help! I don't ever want this to happen again! But what do you do when you've fallen out of love with your spouse but you can't see devastating your children with divorce. We both feel it would be totally unfair to do to them. Right now I wonder if I can ever feel like "wanting" him again. Any feedback, including good marriage counseling referrals in the seattle area, would be much appreciated!

Just want you to know that I am a newlywed and already am facing this problem. Maybe, along the years, it isn't the little things building up, but some big thing that you have not forgotten or forgiven. Guilt on your part maybe for something that you feel you have done wrong, or resentment towards your husband for something he has done wrong. In any case, please do not vent this physical anger in front of your young children. This could be very traumatic for them, as I am sure that you realize. I don't know what to do about this sort of anger, but I think that you can only be that angry at someone if you truly do love and care about them. Because if you didn't love them or care about them deeply, then they could never hurt you enough to make you that angry. Let us know how it works out. Our prayers are with you.

Thanks, Macie, for your reply. Things have been much better since I posted my message, as my husband and I shared our feelings with one another that same day. However, we both regret yelling so loud that we woke our daughter up, and vow never to let it happen again. I am now "getting out" my anger and guilt feelings every morning in a private journal--it seems to be helping a lot. The worst thing in the world is hurting your child. Even though we apologized to her, we have a lot to do to prove to her that we still love each other and will not get divorced. Thanks for your concern.