H (husband) and I have been married for nearly 12 years and have 3 kids a 13 yr old a 10 yr old and a 18 month old suprise baby.This nightmare began pretty much when the baby was about 1yr old.Although I love my new baby very much she really has rocked our world in some new and different was.With my older kids home for the summer 3 months ago my life became very hectic and I was in high demand.My Husband a very busy man with running his own buisness(understandably)wasen't home alot.We had a neighbor (single Mom to 3 small kids)move in next door.Actually her husband left her 2 months after they moved in.In the mean time I had welcomed her and brought her a plant and let her know I was interested in becomming friends.I would see her out side sometimes and would walk over to visit.Never did she seek out my friendship.At christmas I had offerd to go and get presents for her kids,I invited her to an Easter egg hunt at our church...allways me making the effort.I could tell she wasen't very open with any details of her life very secretive or just wanted to keep it private I guess.No warmth.My husband and I both felt sorry for her.He would do little things for her and I encouraged it....I was very secure in my marriage and my husband is a good man.There did come a time when I started to get resentful though,my very busy husband who had so little time for his own family began spending more and more time visiting this woman and I was now being left out totally by her.He would leave our home early sometimes and stop there to "see how she was doing"and also sometimes before he would come home he would stop by there 1st.So yes the resentment was starting to build.One afternoon he comes home after stopping by there and says her x-husband had been calling so he put a message on her answering machine for her that said "Jim(my husband) and Kate are not home now...bla bla bla at that point I lost it and thought how dare he put there names together...the machine was in her bedroom...who knew what this x husband was like and I felt like things had really become too personal considering she had NEVER made any attemt at trying to become my friend.After alot of discussion my husband inform me that I had become "just a Mother lately."I was overwelmed with this new baby and my kids home for the summer and he so busy.Alot was said that cut right through me!I asked him to please stop going over there and I became very insecure!He stoped over there again to tell her he woulden't be stopping anymore and Im quite sure he filled her in on some of the details of his and my argument.She replied that it was no different than if he would of spent time with the older retired neighbors accross the street....but it was different,clearly...this was a single needy mother.I felt he had no right to discuss my feelings with her period and got very defenseive for myself.After a few days had gone by I left her a message saying I was sorry things had gotten out of hands but I felt them getting too personal.I know there was some bitterness in my voice but my true intention was to clear the air.A week later I get this letter from her that was basicly a poor me letter and went on and on about all the strugles she had had in her life and went on and on about how my husband Jim was the only one in years she could trust.My first reaction was this poor girl Im taking away her only friend,and I tried to contact her.I knew she was home but she never answered and the machine never came on for me to leave a message.In the letter she mentioned problems Jim and I were having,I questioned Jim about how she would know he had no idea.Come to find out he had in fact told her of problems in our marriage...but he had never told me about this...my husband is not much of a talker.This was the first time I ever know of that he lied to me.How dare he not share with me and confide in her.Come to find out she has caller ID so she knew I had called that night and my husband had also told her I had tried to call.Over the next few weeks and months this lady knew my husband's Wednesday night routein and would seem to be out waiting for him to drive by.I tried to tell my husband this he couldn't see it.I know now his ego was inflated and he is also a good ol southern boy who nobody tells what to do.He would stop by.Early on she had also been telling him that "I dont think you wife likes me"Like I said before I was the only one to make effort and I feel like she grabbed that out of a hat somewhere!Jim and I had hashed this out a few times and I was still uncomfortable and extremly insecure!Little things mounted up I found her number on his cellular phone bill and so much more!3 weeks ago while the baby and I were outside he leavs our home and she is outside and he stops and I am furious!because he knew how uptight I was about all this.I felt like he had just stomped all over my feelings.It was then that I finally confronted her I had had enough!I was mean and said alot out of anger!but my main hurt stemed from Jims betrail.My husband called that night and asked if I was going to fight(this was to check on weather or not he would come home to listen to it or not)I told him he had better stay with his Grandmother that I was mad.The next night after work he came home and I had done alot of thinking and I valued me and my feeling should also matter to him and I wasen't going to sit by and let him make a door matt out of me.I asked him to pack for a few days and leave...all said as calmy as I could because I did not want to say anything out of anger...I was giving him the chance to figure this all out.The next few days were extremly hard!I come home after the 3rd night and he is home and says he's staying and I say not unless you plan to make things right here and realize that my feelings do matter and I will need proof.I got the suck up treatment for that night.3 weeks later Im still waiting to see how he shows me he respects me and my feelings...he doesnt show any of this and I am so hurt and yes I have done alot of crying...I am hurt.I have been a good wife!Back when I really realized there was a problem with me(just the Mother thing) I did a complete turn around.I was the only one working at our marriage.I have asked for him to try to put forth some effort and work with me together...but he really dosent seem to be.This seems like his "withdral"It seems like our once stable marriage is slipping away.What else can I do??I love him I know he loves me I just can't work at this alone anymore.I know this is long and believe me some has been left out. K<BR>

klab--<P>sigh. relationship pain is soooo hard. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now.<P>do you feel they may have had or are having an affair? or do you think you're nipping it in the bud before it got that far along?<P>keep posting. it really helps to sort out feelings.

klab,<P>Let me first say that I understand all your feelings. I had been a "good husband" too---but my wife had an affair that started on the internet, esclated to an "in-person" affair, and ended up lasting for almost a year after I discovered it. Through that period we ended up separated, and she became pregnant by the OM.<P>But now we're reunited, happily reconciled, and working on a marriage that's much better than it ever has been.<P>How??<P>I hate to say this, klab, but your attitude will pretty much guarantee that your marriage will fail at this point. You simply haven't been the kind of wife that your husband needed. (The same way I hadn't been the kind of husband my wife needed---unintentional, but true). And he's told you lots of good information about what he wants and needs; and you've gotten angry and defended yourself. You may have been expending a ton of effort on your marriage, but it was misdirected effort. It's worn you out, and what's worse, your husband doesn't have feelings of romantic love for you.<P>I'd suggest in your case that you start counseling with Steve Harley here at Marriage Builiders. It's phone counseling (888-639-1639), Steve is terrific, effective, convenient, and relatively inexpensive. It will be the quickest way to restore your marriage. Your husband doesn't have to do the counseling for this to be effective either---Steve counseled me for nearly a year on my own.<P>If you're going to try this on your own, I suggest that you get several Harley books. Lovebusters, Give and Take, and His Needs/Her Needs. Read them all, probably in that order.<P>The first thing you must do is to work on your lovebusters. This story that you've told is full of angry outbursts, tons of selfish demands, disrespectful judgements. You must stop them. If you want your husband to love you, you must not punish him. Punishment never works in a marriage. I'm sure that you feel that he's punishing you with his behaviors, but it's probably unintentional. And regardless of his behaviors, escalating "lovebusters" never makes a marriage grow. <P>Your husband is suffering from an affair (emotional, certainly. Sexual, who knows?). You need to help him to eliminate that contact. And you must do it by not punishing him with lovebusters. If you do punish him, he's going to run back to his fantasy world where he can be the "knight in shining armor" for the single mom. Who will love and appreciate his every little effort. That's what you're up against. It might not seem fair---but that's your husband's perspective.<P>In addition to your primary goal to eliminate lovebusters, you should also start to find out what his emotional needs are, and you should begin to fill them as completely as you can. You used your role as "mother" to justify your slacking on your role of "wife". "Wife" should always come first (you're discovering this the hard way). Just as "husband" should always come before "father". Discovering your husband's needs and starting to fill these will give your husband trememdous hope for the marriage---you'd be surprised what a major role goodwill has in creating a loving environment.<P>You say that you can't do this alone. I agree---but you probably will have to start on this path alone. Your husband will eventually joint you (and he may even pass you up!). Give Steve a call---he will help you begin this process in an effective way, and he's a great motivator and coach. He always made me feel better during our discussions, and there were some pretty bad times that I had to go through.

I was and am a good wife!As soon as he told me about the just a mother thing I did a complete change!!I have never really asked for much in this marriage...but the time came where I felt my needs needed to be met...I was the one with the hurt feelings!Why is it wrong for me to defend my God given right to my marriage.It's mine before God I vowed and so did he to honor and respect.The whole 12 years had not been bad just the added stress to MY life as to raising a new baby and pretty much being stuck at home because it's so hard to drag around 3 kids.The last 18 months.I realized my mistakes and did the turn around...remember and he has no problems there,he knows I did.<BR>I thank you for your response<BR>K

I have spent alot of time at this site the last few days...I am the giver in this relationship and he is the taker.I do not see myslef as selfish.I have told him I don't ask for much and he agreed about that,and said then ask...Well I was finally asking for something.I never judged anyone not the girl next door either,until a couple weeks ago on a Wednesday night right before my husband left for his usuall Wednesday night meeting I took his truck to go and pick up my daughter from around the corner...and who is sitting in her yard?As soon as she saw the truck she jumped up and started walking towards the road and then noticed it was me.Is this my imaganation?I really don't think so....this was why I blew up at her.Since that blow up I have written her a letter as humbly as I knew how explained what I had been going through.She left a message that she would get back to me.Never has.The other day there is a message on our machine from her that says she Needed to talk to Jim....and I played the message a few times total anger in her voice.From what I gather this girl is a basket case who dosen't trust woman.I am a very good judge of character and a fair woman...not an unfair one.<BR>K

klab:<P>I'm not trying to make you defend yourself. You're not completely to blame for this situation, and you're certainly not to blame for your husband's "emotional affair". But it's pretty clear that you don't have the kind of marriage that you want, and that your husband doesn't have the feelings for you that you would like him to.<P>Given that, the question is what will YOU do about it. It's also very clear to me that you would like to have a trusting, caring, loving marriage that is solid for you as well as for the children.<P>I can go on to give lots of advice that your husband should take, but he's not here asking. You are. And that's why I really suggest that you start talking with a good marriage counselor who is schooled in behavioral psychology. You can change behaviors in yourself that will help your marriage in a very short time.

Klab, <P>I have been married for 7 years, but went through the exact same thing in year 4. I was pregnant with our 3 child. He had a female friend I made every effort to be her friend, the calls, the letters, emails, the tears. Yes I was being to motherly too, gained weight, didn't meet his emotional needs for time and discussion, sex was never bad. Finally i had it, told him he had to end it and i lost weight tried eveything I knew to try, he supposedly stopped with her, only got "emails every now in then". I didn't fuss too much, he was her ONLY friend and I didn't want anyone to have hurt feelings. Well I was working hard at our marriage and felt he was so unhappy, he wouldn't make any effort! I finally gave up. Gained weight and withdrew to protect me and hope the kids didn't notice. Well, 3 years later I noticed another female at his work, in a bad marriage. All I could see was here we go. I went through depression, anger, alcohol, ETC ETC ... I was never unfaithful!!<BR>So digging into his life, he was getting closer to this women, she knew things about our marriage, my best friend didn't know. Well while I was finding all this out, I found out he had had an affair with the first women, all this time. Ended it after he got close to this woman. So we've had our blows and seperations and returns and our working, but he still refuses to see his part. Only that I withdrew, forget that he was mean and shut me out and I can't get over the lies!!!! I had such trust! That's where i am. I don't know how to answer you, other than i am focusing totally on him now, but don't really know when to start asking for my return. Yes he still gets emails from the 1st one, she is supposedly back with her ignorant H and he works with the 2nd one. I cry everyday, but don't let him see it. I want to just chunk it and move on. but my kids! I just wanted you to know others are out there and know what you feel. You're not crazy or alone or being ridiculous. You will know when enough is enough, or it's really changing!<BR>Good Luck<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P><BR>