I know I'm not yet married but it is like we have been. If we were I think he would be more willing to work more at our relationship. I think he thinks if it were meant to be it would just be (no work). I on the other hand believe that relationships take work and compromise, even the best of them. Let me start over..... I have know the love of my life for almost 13 years. We dated in highschool for 3 years, broke up, lived our seperate lives for 6 years, and now have been together for almost 4 years. This past winter, I got the pre-engagement/marriage 'gitters'. This being a role reversal, me being the female and all. Anyway, I wasn't getting the affection I need. And I told him this, I also said some hurful things. He believed I was settling for him and he wanted to take some time apart (some months). We did this and during this time I realized that we had something very special and I didn't want to lose it. We got back together. But because I was afraid to bring up that I still think that relationships take work, ours included, because I don't want him to think I am settling for him. We just fell back into the same thing. After a few more months, he brought up that he doesn't trust me anymore. He hasn't forgivin me for my insecurity. And he doesn't think he can. I have been trying hard since then to be perfectly honest with him, and to meet his needs. But he is in a state of withdrawl. Dr. Harley states very clearly in his book "His Needs, Her Needs". How to rebuild trust after a confesssed affair. By providing numerous experiences through which a person can prove him/herself trustworthy. (By providing a schedule) But I am trying to build back my trustworthiness of my love. I don't know what else to do. I have asked him if he still loves me, and he says yes, but he is willing to give up everything. This makes me angry. Why won't he fight for us? But then I remind myself to be understanding and being angry will not make him trust me anymore. He has hinted at leaving me, but that scares me because then I can't even be building up units in his love bank. Please help. If anyone has any idea's how I can rebuild my trustworthiness. And how I can help him to believe that I am not settling but that we could improve our relationship by focusing at provinding eachother with our 5 basic needs. Thanks.

Jodyb,<P>This guy is the one who has the problem not you. You are right that a relationship, any relationship requires effort. You are right to want to find out his emotional needs and work at building up his love bank account. He doesn't trust you? He is the one who won't commit! He is the one who won't work on your relationship! He is the one threatening to leave you! He is the one who hasn't forgiven you! You were the one sane enough to put a hold on marriage until you were sure of your willingness to commit to this man for life! What a wonderful gift you wanted to offer him, a bride who was sure she wanted to spend her whole life with him. You broke no trust with him. You were honest enough to say I need to wait. What happened was you hurt his feelings and that is what is bothering him. His actions are inmature. The most mature thing you could have done was to postpone the wedding. In this world there are givers and there are takers. This guy is a classic taker. A successful marriage requires give and take by both parties. The current actions of your fiance should make you want to reconsider spending the rest of your life with a guy who punishes honesty and maturity with little boy actions.

Thanks so much Mudder for your quick response. Writing like this helps me to get things off my chest. I think you are pretty close to the mark. This is also the opinion of some of my friends that I've spoken with. But there is more to the story. He (my boyfriend)has been married and divorsed during the 6 years we were apart. We got together about a year after his divorse. I don't know all the details only his side of the story. But I get the impression that after about a year or so of marriage his wife at the time told him she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorse. This I believe was something that haden't even crossed his mind. He was the one who wanted to seek counseling, but she would have nothing to do with it...and therefore it lead to divorse. This hurt him, and I think he is just afraid of a repeat preformance. When I brought up some doubts & wishes of change to improve our relationship last winter, it gave him the feeling that he was a compromise and that I could find someone who could better fill my needs. But I love him deep down. Yes, there are some things I would like to modify like his withdrawing from me when there is a problem. And this does make me afraid for our future together. But he is my best friend, and I think he is a wonderful man, and I don't want to lose him. Thanks again for your time. - jodyb <P>------------------<BR>