If anyone has any advice for me on how to straighten out a wrecked marriage, please respond. I am 24 years old and have only been married for 14 months, and I hate my husband. He calls me psycho (I have problems with severe depression) and he threatens me with violence if I don't do things his way. He tries to act like my father and tell me when he has had enough of my "acting up". Short of leaving him, I am not sure what to do. I don't want to get a divorce, but I honestly hate him. He is selfish, cruel, and insensitive. Our sex life is terrible, if it even exists and we never talk to each other about anything important. I can't be honest with him because he uses it against me later to hurt my feelings. I don't know what to do.

Macie,<P>A couple of questions....<P>1.) Are you getting treatment for your depression? If not, go to the doctor and find out what can be done to help you manage this.<P>2.) Was your husband like this before you married him or is this a completely new side of him? Be honest here. Did you see any signs of this before? If this is new. He may need help himself either medical or emotional. If this behavior is not new did you really expect him to be different now? <P>3.) Has he ever followed through on his threats of violence? If he has hit you, even one time, run like the wind from this man. If he has not this is the most manilulative behavior I can think of. You may still need to run like the wind.<P>4.) Are you willing to start communicating with him? If you are start by reading Dr. Harleys stuff here on this web site. Then try to use what you learn to start a dialogue with your husband. What you want to know is if he is intersted in trying to make your marrigae work. You also must decide if you are willing to work to make your marriage a success. <P>Let us hear from you now!<P>

Mudder,<P>Thank you for replying so quickly. No, I am not being treated professionally for my depression. I do not take drugs, it is a personal choice for me. I do, however, take several herbs that help to eliminate a few of the symptoms of depression. But mostly, I just deal with it. <BR>Secondly, no my husband did not just start acting like this. We have been together for five years, off and on. The problem is, he is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One minute he can be so sweet that it makes you want to vomit, and the next, he can be threatening to crack open your skull. And there is no warning of his changes, it is like split personalities. At some points in time, he would die if I left him. But when he is his other self, he would just as soon kill me then look at me. Love/Hate relationship I guess.<BR>Third, no, he has never hit me. Basically, he talks in really scarey satanic voices and tries to scare me into submissiveness. He can't stand it when I stand up to him, it makes him crazy. He screams a lot, and says a lot of things like "You better stop doing that..." or "If you yell one more time at me..." or "I have had enough, end of discussion". It is so frustrating because he won't ever listen to me. He expects to put his foot down and have me jump into line like an obedient little child. I never did that as a child and I am sure not going to do it as an adult.<P>Finally, yes I would like to work this out, I think. If you had asked me that a year ago I would have said definitely yes. But now, I don't know if I really care if this marriage works or not. Sometimes, I wish that he would just save me the trouble and pack his stuff and get out of my life. I know that I resent him for certain things he has done in the past, but I try to be normal beyond that. He doesn't even try. He just calls me names and generally takes shots at me. When I take shots back, he threatens me and tries to make me obey him, only because he can't fight back with me with words because I am much better with words than him, and a faster talker. <BR>I just don't know what to do. I would hate to think that my marriage, only created a little over a year ago, is already over. Or even worse, I made a terrible mistake and it was over before it started. What do you think?<BR>Let me know.

Macie,<P>It sound to me like you're going through a terrible hell. If your husband was like this just once in a while, I'd suggest counseling to work it out. But it sounds more like he has a deep-seated conviction that he is the boss and you should obey. A strong, caring marriage cannot be based on such an inequality of power. The fact that he wants so much control over you scares me. And the fact that he won't listen to you tells me you aren't going to get your needs met in this marriage. If I were you, I would find someone who values me for who I am (a strong person with her own opinions). It will only get harder to leave the longer you stay with him.

Thank you all for replying so quickly and intelligently. I really do appreciate it. Yes, it is hell. I think that is why my depression has gotten so bad lately. Also, this is a very tough time for me. Three years ago, this time of year, my mother passed away at age 37. So, this time of year, plus my husband, and my job being stressful. It can sometimes just be too much. <BR>I think that I need to leave, but I just don't want to. For so many reasons. One, I don't want to say that I am divorced. That seems like such a failure to me. I am a child of divorce and I have alway vowed that I would never be a divorcee. <BR>However, I am afraid to have children with this man. I have a dog now, and I have to intervene all the time with the two of them. My dog was born three months after my Mom died, and she (the dog) really helped me through that time of my life. She is like my child. And I admit that I am a little too lenient with her, but I don't care. I don't believe in physically punishing her because she is a timid dog by nature. I am afraid that physical punishment will only break her spirit. Therefore, I try other methods. Positive reinforcement, stern commands, but am always loving towards her. She is a very well behaved dog. However, my husband thinks she is terrible and that she never listens. This is not true. She just doesn't understand everything that he is trying to tell her to do and he yells so loudly at her that she is too afraid to do what he wants. This behaviour scares me because I think about how he is going to be with children. When they don't jump immediately to do what he tells them to do, and don't do it exactly as he wanted them to and as quickly, I am afraid that I am going to have to pull him off of my children to keep him from hurting them... He has physically hurt my dog before, which really angers me. And he is just way too hard on her. Anyway, I know I should leave, but there are parts of my husband that I don't want to live without. I guess I know the answer to my own questions deep down. Maybe, I am just afraid to face them. Thanks for listening and responding.

As a former volunteer worker for abused women, I want to say to you--RUN LIKE THE WIND!! He may not be hitting you now but will probably hit you later. Did you ever think that your depression is a direct result of your relationship with your husband. Again, I say GET OUT NOW. I quite concerned that you want to stick this out and try to work this through. And because of this, I strongly suggest counseling either through your local center for abused women, a support group, or a counselor of your choice. Sure, the marriage is still young and so are you. Perhaps, you can just consider this one of life's very difficult learning experiences and emerge a wiser and stronger person for it. <P>------------------<BR>Ariel<BR>

I know someone in a very similar situation. I believe she got married about the same age you did. 5 years later, it hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse. The best advice I can give you is get counseling. Not just marriage counseling, personal couseling --BOTH OF YOU, separately. I believe these problems are rooted deeper than just the marriage. My friend and her husband are not terrible people, but they have terrible problems. They both try, but they don't have the "tools" they need. I gave her the same advice, after 5 years I am convinced that it won't change without lots of counseling. Even if you do divorce, get counseling for YOURSELF. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself. Counseling is not admiting failure, it's the first step to success, personal or marital. I have learned a ton of stuff about myself in my counseling. Sometimes it's a struggle but I feel that I am becoming a WHOLE person and it has helped my marriage as a positive side effect.

Although at times I hate my husband, I also love him very much. He seems to you like a horrible person because you only heard my side. He does not hit me, and believe me, if he ever did, I would not hesitate to leave. He does do a lot of very considerate and thoughtful things for me, and he isn't always, or even most of the time, terrible. I know that I am not in an abusive relationship. It is just hard to consider other people when you are trying to make yourself happy. I do it too, it's not just him. It's hard to be married. Nothing good comes easy or quickly. Anyway, I went to a doctor and he is putting me on Zoloft or Paxel. I have been diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and Bipolar Syndrome. So, after I start the medicine, maybe my husband and I can find out what is really going on with our relationship. If it turns out to be that he is the problem, then I will leave. But maybe, with my depression and low tolerance for stress, I have made HIS life a living hell. We will wait and see. I want to thank you all for your responses and concern. But trust me, this is not a dangerous place for me to be. If it was, I wouldn't be here. Thank you again. Any more input would be greatly appreciated.

Macie,<BR>I've read your concerns and also the responses. I'm glad that he does not hit you. It sounds as if he has some deep resentment built up from somewhere. i also believe that you both love each other, why else would you marry? The first years of marriage are very difficult as you both learn to adapt to eachothers needs and desires. It can be very stressful for the both of you. But with the love of God, alot of patience and understanding and support from everyone, it can become better. The drugs the doctor has prescribed for you will help ease your depression and make you seem happier....although some counseling with them will help even more. God can move mountains.....if it is your desire to fight for this marriage, then do it (as long as he's fighting for it as well) but if it becomes worse and he does hit you, then you owe it to yourself to leave. Good luck! Bil

Macie,<P>I am making progress at last!<P>Macie I want to tell you my story because as I know only too well that sometimes hearing of another experience can give you some hope.<P>I was always so strong and knew what I wanted out of life! What happened I met a sweet guy, or was he?<P>My husband treated me the same as your husband treats you. I was so frustrated and angry. I left him two years ago. I just walked out on him with my daughter (she is now 5 years old) I went to stay with relatives. I started to rebuilt my life but my husband soon encouraged me to come, the first few months were okay but soon the pretence stopped. Last October I asked him to leave, I had, had enough. He left and I started to rebuild my life once more. Once more he encouraged me to let him come home and said we'd get help. I wanted to believe him I let him come home, I regretted letting him home, I was in counselling and whilst he was gone, I had said many times, how am I going to cope? I was very dependent on my husband. <P>What did I do to start to rebuild my marriage to a marriage I want?<P>I first visited a website called: <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.drirene.com</A> <P>You may notice there is a thread on this site that says co-dependency is ruining marriage.<P>I don't believe it is. Why for one it does depend on how you rebuild your marriage.<P>Here are a few things you need to know and do:<P>Firstly you are being emotionally abused. This may sound horrifying it did to me. Don't fear you can start to sort this mess out.<P>As you will see if you visit the above site you are rein-enforcing your husbands behaviour and not helping yourself.<P>Rules:<P>1.) You must not engage in any rough play (toy fighting)<BR>2.) You must not engage with your husband when he starts to call you names. <BR>e.g: If he calls you a thick b*tch, simply say No I am not a thick b*tch. Then leave the room, go to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths. If your husband follows you do not engage with him. If he calls you a name simply repeat, I am not ******* and that's all, don't try to defend yourself by explaining why your not xxxxx, just say a simply sentence such as I am not a **********.<P>(This is a technique which is an assertive reply is to give your view point and not to force the abuser to change his mind or behaviour) What an assertive reply does is helps to keep yourself self-esteem.<P>If your husband threatens you say, "I will not be treated like this, I am leaving the room, I will speak to you when you are calm".<BR>Then leave the room don't ever join in with him in any arguements.<P>Always remain calm and be respectful to your husband. Remember that his criticism are about him, (he needs to put you down so he can build himself up, all the criticism is not true)<P>Don't ever scream or call your husband names back (he only wants to engage you and you won't win if you engage)<P>You are the strong one in your relationship even if you don't realise it. You don't need to build yourself up by putting your husband down this puts you a more mature position.<P>Marcie it is hard work learning to stop being a victim, you can help yourself. Take responsibility for your role in this abusive marriage. If you keep engaging you are helping the abuse to stay alive. Behaviour is always maintained by its consequences. e.g if you respond to your spouse and engage you are fuelling the abuse. Stop doing this.<P>You have lots of anger so you need constructively get rid of this anger, victims have anger as well as the abuser. You will learn all about this on the website I have given you.<P>How to rid yourself of the anger. Write a letter to your husband (don't show it to him)<BR>write about how angry you are, don't call him any names in the letter just tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Keep writing until all you need to say is out. Then burn the letter.<P>e.g Dear xxxx,<P>I am hurt when you speak to me and criticise me.<P>Etc.<P>The second way to rid yourself of anger is to hit your pillow, or stamp your feet. This releases the anger.<P>Finally you need to work on your self-esteem, get to know Marcie, what does she like, want, start to spend 10 minutes everyday asking what does Marcie like, want. Start to tell yourself well done whenever you do anything you did okay. Don't worry about the things you've not done so well, just say to yourself, I made a mistake, no big deal what can I do differently next time.<P>You need to also learn to be assertive. If you like I can post some more information to help you.<P>The road is long but worth it.<BR>Take care and visit the website I have told you about.<P>Theressa

Macie,<P>I have had time to read over all of your posts here now, before I hadn't I just posted to you.<P>Macie, you say your not being abused. (Don't ever kid yourself), my husband is kind to me and helps around the home alot, he still is an abuser though.<P>No one, not me you or anyone wants to be divorced unless things can't be fixed. I don't want to seen as someone who is abused. I also felt just like you, I wouldn't be here if I was abused. The trouble is I was, and so are you. <P>Your both not horrible people but sometimes we need to be honest and true to ourselves.<BR>Name calling, shouting and threating are all forms of emotional abuse. Believe me I didn't want to admit it either. Once you admit you are being emotionally abused then you can start to repair your marriage.<P>Macie, go visit the website I have posted for you. I visit you again later.<P>Macie you can have love but you need to admit to reality first.<P>Take care<BR>Theressa

Macie,<P>I have had time to read over all of your posts here now, before I hadn't I just posted to you.<P>Macie, you say your not being abused. (Don't ever kid yourself), my husband is kind to me and helps around the home alot, he still is an abuser though.<P>No one, not me you or anyone wants to be divorced unless things can't be fixed. I don't want to seen as someone who is abused. I also felt just like you, I wouldn't be here if I was abused. The trouble is I was, and so are you. <P>Your both not horrible people but sometimes we need to be honest and true to ourselves.<BR>Name calling, shouting and threating are all forms of emotional abuse. Believe me I didn't want to admit it either. Once you admit you are being emotionally abused then you can start to repair your marriage.<P>Macie, go visit the website I have posted for you. I visit you again later.<P>Macie you can have love but you need to admit to reality first.<P>Take care<BR>Theressa

Thank you all again for all of the great advice and support. This site has helped me so much. Things are much better with my husband and I. I just sat him down and explained to him how unhappy I am. He said some very interesting things to me. For one, he feels like a failure as a husband because he can't seem to make me happy. This is my depression ruining my marriage. I am never happy and he felt as if that directly reflected on his performance as a husband and a provider. He said that no matter how much he gives me, I never seem to be satisfied. Also, he said that when he tells me that he has had enough, he is trying to get some control back into the situation. Not control me, but to try to keep the situation from spinning out of control. I can see his point on that. Anyway, we have been talking more, and I start taking Zoloft within the next week or so. Hopefully things will start to get better soon. I can see a difference already just with us sitting down and talking like adults. I am going to keep in touch though because I am sure that we are not out of the woods yet. Thank you all again. Your help and wisdom are greatly appreciated...