I have a question and would like some input.<BR>My husband is in the navy and travels frequently. We have had problems right from the beginning. We have been married 6 years. And he has wanted to leave me 3 times. His statement was "I just don't want to be here anymore" I have gotten counselling and alot of our problems have resolved I am just a little confused and am curious what to do with one unresolved issue. When he goes on trips he always makes friends with the opposite sex and alot of times they are single. He is a recovered alcoholic sober over two years now. He swears by his love for me and tells me that these females he meets with the guys he goes out with are just friends. He always brings home a phone number and address and or email address. THis has occured three different times with three different trips in about a year and a half.<BR>So, My questions are: Is it wrong to ask him not to make friends with single female women? It makes me very angry but he doesn't feel that it is wrong. That it is just like making a male friend. I am very secure as a person. But this is starting to make me feel insecure in our marriage at times. He still gives me affection and holds my hand and all and is very loving towards me but I find out about these without him telling me. And when I ask him about it his response was, "I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would be mad" Well, I would get mad but would not flip out. I feel like flipping out when he doesn't tell me. And Find out after the fact. The world would tell me he is cheating. But I don't believe that to be the case. However, I do know he shares our problems with these other people and truthfully they tell him to leave me. He is easily influenced by people.<BR>And that highly disturbs me.<BR>Things are going good right now all I want to know is how can I convince him not to keep things from me and he is dishonest. I have read the articles posted.<BR>But it just doesn't seem to help. I want to take measures to prevent unneccisary conflict.<BR>

Dear KrystalAngel:<BR>I can see how you are upset by this. There is nothing wrong with your husband having female friends. If he is taking these telephone numbers and emails and responding in a sexual/affectionate way (like my husband did) then there is a problem. Ask your husband to share his friends with you. Ask him to tell you about them and who they are. This may make you feel better as if you are included. Ask to view his email letters every now and then, to "help share in his friendship"... If you know what I mean (for your own security). If he is reluctant to do any of this and to discuss any of those female friends ends..then you may have a problem. He should be willing to talk to you and tell you about them and their names, if they are just friends. There shouldn't be anything for him to hide.

I would love to hear how others feel about this as I find that I am insecure about my husband's outside friendships - particularly if they are women. I assume my insecurities are a signal of my lack of trust in his commitment to our relationship. I haven't read the book about affair-proofing a marriage...what does it say about opposite sex friends when a wife is not a part of the friendship? My guess (and I suppose my desire) is that it questions starting new relationships but supports maintaining old comfortable, non-threatening ones.<P>Any ideas from others??

Krystlangel,<BR>Katya is correct that there is nothing WRONG with your husband having friends of the opposite sex. It is however foolish and is obviously a problem for you. On those grounds alone your H should STOP it.<P>If these "friends" were people that your husband had to work with or must see on a regular basis I would agree with Katya again to ask to be included. As I see it these women are nothing more then passing acquaintances. They serve no purpose but to feed his ego that he is still attractive to the opposite sex. This is a very dangerous game! Only the most forward woman would offer a phone number or e-mail address unless signals had been sent by your H. Even if an unsolicited phone number might be passed his way he sure doesn't need to keep it or call it! I'm sorry to deliver the bad news but you H wants and likes the attention and is ignoring the dangers. I'll just hazard a guess that none of these woman are old or unattractive. He doesn't tell you because he knows it will make you mad!! The fact that he disregards your feelings in this matter should be shouting at you!! It is not just honesty it has to do with how he treats you. <P>I have several rules that I use to protect my marriage.<P>1. I make every effort to never be alone with a member of the opposite sex.<P>2. If I find myself in this situation anyway I remove myself from it as quickly as possible.<P>3. I do not seek out or encourage relationships with members of the opposite sex. I'm not unfriendly I just keep things light.<P>4. I will not discuss my spouse, except in glowing terms, to any member of the opposite sex. I limit any conversation about any marrital problems to long time close friends or my pastor.<P>5. If I have to meet a member of the opposite sex for business purposes, we drive seperately and meet in a public place. I also tell my wife before the meeting and call her afterward.<P>Did my wife ask me to do any of these things? No! I do them becasue I recognize the dangers of opposite sex relationships and value my marriage above any short term ego stoking that this type of relationship might offer.<P>While it is unlikely that your H will follow these rules he needs to meet you halfway. If he won't that action should speak louder then any words he might mouth about how much he loves you. I haven't heard of the emotional need for opposite sex friendships from Dr. Harley yet.<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited November 10, 1999).]

Mudder,<P>How did your wife get so lucky? I have sent your post to my husband...maybe it will 'speak' to him. Thanks!

Dear Mudder:<BR>Most men, unfortunetly don't do the things that you do and think of their wife. Lucily, I don't have that problem, but then again, I guess he didn't include me either since he had an affair with someone until I found out by mistake. Well, at least your wife doesn't have to worry. Lucky wife you have.

I might as well mention that the rules I follow I crafted for myself after reading the book "Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins. It is an old book but is still valid. Jerry Jenkins is one of the co-authors of the "Left Behind" series. Just didn't want anyone to get the idea that I have some special gift of understanding the femail mind. I plead ignorance on that one and read to learn all I can.

Well, Thank God!! Lord opened an opportunity for me to share the information you posted and happily was a very good response. Then he started telling me about the ones he has communicated with. And of course I don't think things will change immediately because the plans that mudder wrote will take time to sink in. But he openly showed me that he respects me about the issue and I am thankful!<BR>Thank you for the helpful hints. This is a good BB. I will keep posting!!!!<BR>It is good to here from people who have somewhat the same problem or have experience in this area!!!<BR>THanks!

And for what it's worth---I agree completely with Mudder. And those rules of his mirror Harley's rules for opposite sex friendships as well.<P>Krystylangel: You might want to order a copy of "Give and Take" from the website here. It covers a lot of the proper "behaviors" that you should exhibit in a marriage, and this is based on Harley's belief in complete honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. Good luck---it's great that your husband would read and acknowledge this.

Hi Mudder<P>Love your rules for opposite sex friendships. Perhaps you could post them to "2 soulmates" on the infidelity board? There's a raging debate going on right now over there about whether it's ok or not to maintain contact with the OP.<P>

yes, there is something wrong with him having all these FEMALE friends. Remember when you got married and you thought the two of you were best friends? In an ideal marriage, A spouse is supposed to be your best friend. Why does he need other FEMALE friends all of a sudden? Why can't his "friends" be male? I think you should think about these things. Yes, we all need friends. but, why does he have such a need for FEMALE friends? keep in mind you said he was "easily influenced by others."