I am in Bosnia and my wife is really struggling with what I have done. I am as well. I am in the over drive mode to try to salvage the marriage and she is in need of space. I try not to call too much and try to make my email topics the average how are you doing subjects, but when she doesn't respond I get very lonely and miserable. I end up saying things that relate to love and forgiveness. I know that this is not what she wants, but it is so hard to fight off this "fix it" mechanism that men tend to have, especially when we are the ones that broke it. Does anyone have suggestions?

Believe it or not, I am somewhat in your wife's position. My husband is in Kuwait and 2 weeks before he left, I discovered the year long affairs he had been having over the internet with several women. Pictures, emails and phone calls were all involved. He had not yet gotten to a physical meeting - however the result for me is the same. He had betrayed me heart and soul by being intimate with another woman. <P>I don't know that there can be a worse time to be deployed. Did your wife know before you left or did she find out while you're away? When will you be back? It is very hard to try to work through issues long distance and much easier to just let go. So, don't let her! Being in the same position, I can tell you it would be less painful for her to let go than to struggle with this by herself. I suggest you keep sending her messages of love and proof that you're marriage is worth it. I also suggest that you make no demands of her to forgive or forget or send you love. I know that sounds miserable, but she is probably feeling betrayed and emotionally unable to meet your needs right now with you being deployed. Even though she has asked for space if you stop sending her your messages, she will probably see that as a sign that you don't care, and she will give up. <P>My husband and I have been working through Dr. Harley's books, which give a lot of insight into these things. Your wife might be very interested! <P>Let me know your view on all this - I'd be interested for my own situation. Thanks.<p>[This message has been edited by Tam (edited November 13, 1999).]

Well, I have to say that you are hitting alot of things right on the head. She says the same things. I know she needs room to feel things out, room to decide whether this is going to be something that she can get a grip on and live with if she decides to stay with me. <BR> Everything came out that I have done last December. It was right before Christmas. I went to stay at a friends house for a few days to give her time. She decided that it was something we could work through, but we never really dealt with it. I went to BNCOC for two months on Jan 2nd. I returned in March and went to the field for two weeks only nine days after returning. I was home for a month and went back to the field for another two and a half weeks. We spent another two months together and I am here now. We just decided to go on like nothing happpened. It was not a concious decision or a mutual one, but it felt better not to deal with it at the time. I have never had relationships, just enocunters. Not that it is any better, but it is different. I will not attempt to justtify anything I did. She has been more than good to me the whole marriage, whe is an amazing person. I have some troubles that I have to work out, and now I have brought her into it and made her feel pain that she should never have to feel. I have taken away from her things that might never be returned. I want to give her the space, but I am so full of the "need" to try to have this work. I think I am ruining it some days, and some days I see hope. I just dont know. I will be home in April, but she will be in St Louis going to school and I will be in New yory at my station. I have alot of things to talk about but no one to talk about them to. There is military support, but it is not their concern, just their job. I think you know how that works. <BR> I suggested that she looks here to see if there is anything that might be helpful in understanding what she feels or help her in understanding what happened and her options. I didn't want her to think that I came here just to prove that I am "trying to change". I am doing this as much for me as I am for us. Every thing I do that is in an attempt to try to help seems to her like manipulation of her feelings to bring her back close to me. That in time it will all go back to where it was. She has just cause to feel like that, it is the pattern, but not intentionally. I have never sought out the reasons behind what I do, just try to fix them problems and smooth things over. I am not going to try to "fix" anything this time. I am not rwally sure what I am going to do, but it is not going to be a smooth over job this time. If we are never to get back together I would still hope that she will find a way to get over the pain and hurt I have caused her. <BR> I have talked all about me, I am sorry. I have only 15 minutes at a time. I will have to go for now. I just had to get some things out and hope that someone will be able to help. You have been very helpfl and reinforced some things that she has said and I have been able to understand. Thank you. I will pray for your family as wel when i pray for mine.