My husband and I have argued off and on for the whole 11 years of our marriage. We've had many good times and many bad. We both scream at each other and get really furious. He is 45, I am 42. We are not physically abusive, but very emotionally abusive.We have 1 child. I really love my husband, but I can't stand him about 50% of the time. He is a "whiner". He had a really bad, bad, childhood and he feels like the world owes him something. He says everyone in his life has treated him badly, and now I am. I believe in accepting your lot in life and making the best of things. I do not believe we are owed anything. He says I am cold hearted and have no compassion. I say I have compassion for those who cannot help themselves. I tell him he is a healthy, able-bodied person. He says "my mouth" has destroyed our marriage. I don't deny it, but I say he had his part in it as well. He just shakes his head and says I never really look at myself and the way I am. I told him about the Marriagebuilders site, he gives me a hard look, and shakes his head and says so why now after all these years? What has really brought things to a head, is last April, he hooked up with an old girlfriend he knew when he was 17(28 years ago). They started e-mailing. he began acting strange when I would walk into the computer room. I fished around and found some sickening e-mails. I ranted and raved and cried. He says it would have never happened if I had been a "good wife". I feel like I have been a good wife. I don't lie, I don't cheat, I am a schoolteacher, I go to work, come home and clean. I like homelife and family activites. I get my child involved in different activities and do everything with her. I try to get my husband involved too, but he says stuff like that bores him. He just wants to entertain himself on the computer. He spends about 6-7 hours a day on it. It hurts me that he won't play or do things with his daughter. He is so self-involved. He said he ended his little romance last June. He said it was not "cheating", just flirting. But it was not flirting, it was very sexual. I believed him when he said it had ended and our sex life rather blossomed. I never really trusted him though after that and I would occassionally sneak up on him while he was on the computer to see what he was doing. It was one of those times that I discovered he was e-mailing the old girlfriend again. I ranted and raved again. he says he is just trying to help her through some hard times. He didn't want her to go off the "deep end". I have been super sarcastic abot this, and I have harassed him about it. He said last September he had finally ended it (again) and let me read an e-mail he supposedly sent to her. I just don't believe him. It's like a mexican stand-off around her. He says, if you would just be nice. We really need counseling. But I really hate to go to and try to find someone. I hate to get a divorce too, cause it would be so nasty. I guess I would live in misery to avoid that. I hate to be miserable too.

Gee whiz, Bayleaf! Are you aware of the tone of your post? I'm going to guess you were fresh from a screaming match w/ your H and were blowing off some steam; at least, I hope that is the case. It is interesting to me that you sound much like my W, who is also a teacher. I have been around schools and educators my entire working life, not to mention my own schooling, and have come to the conclusion that teachers are unique people, but sometimes that uniqueness is difficult for others to comprehend and live with. What am I getting at? Well, my wife has compared herself to a baseball bat(I'm not kidding; that is her self-description), but, you sound like you're approaching the point of bulldozer. You say you really love your H, but half the time you can't stand him. Now, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Yes, it sounds like he earns your contempt. Being a neglectful father is pretty lousy, and having online affairs really adds to the aroma. So, you rant, rave, get sarcastic, and harass him to death about it. What good is that going to do? Is that going to make him more cooperative? It wouldn't do it for me, let me tell ya'. Neither will sneaking up on him when he is on the puter going to make him more trustworthy. He's going to be be more deceitful and work harder at hiding his misadventures. What I'm saying is, back off! He is not your student nor your child, even if he acts like one. It sounds to me like he's looking for affection and compassion elsewhere, because he can't find it with you, even if you are honest and a good mother and housekeeper. Maybe he isn't looking for domestic help, but rather companionship and compassion. Yes, its a lousy way to do it, and yes, its wrong, but maybe it was the easiest and least destructive way he could find(compared to a physical affair). Whether or not he is able bodied is not the point about compassion; the point is being able to find some moral support at the end of a rough day, etc. I agree with your statement saying you need counseling, but what's that about "you really hate to go and try to find some one"(say what?). Do you want it to work, or not? That statement sounds like you don't want to go to an objective third party because they might say you are wrong and need to change, or that working on your marriage just isn't a priority because you're too busy and its all his fault, anyway. Reality: You're both at fault. You are each working on your own priorities and disregarding the needs of the other person. As you are finding, "it don't work like that, do it"? I'm sure divorce would be nasty, and living in misery is miserable, but neither is an excuse to keep fighting when both of you could take steps to improve the situation.<BR>Look, if it seems I'm being overly harsh, its because I am, and I hope you will reply with a million logical reasons(not excuses) why I'm wrong, and I will have to apologize profusely for my broad assumptions and for reading too much into your post. But, this strikes too close to home for me not to respond, although your situation is much more serious than mine. I don't wish that on anyone. But, the actions and reactions you indicated seem awfully inappropriate if you want a workable marriage. By the way, if I sound like I'm blaming you for everything, I'm not. If you were to show your H my post, he would see me say to get the chip off his shoulder about his childhood; get counseling for it, if need be. The whole world isn't at fault. If he wants to command decency and respect from others, he must offer it first, even at the risk of not receiving it in return. When he has that figured out, he needs to go pay attention to his kid. If he is that bored by fatherly activities, he shouldn't have helped make a baby. The kid needs both parents, and it helps if they aren't at each others throats all the time.<BR>There. Now everyone hates me equally.

It sounds like you are describing my hubby in a lot of ways. I know counseling is a scary place, fears that one may have to give up more and more is a pretty frightening though, but what your child is going through is worth any effort you may have to go through. All of you deserve more. You found this site and apparently something here has struck a chord for you, so, learn from these things and take a risk. At this point, what do you have to lose, if you are already fearing the worst might happen. Just learning how not to love bust is a big help and might go a long way to helping you both back on the right road. Perhaps there is a counselor in your area who utilizes the marriage builders tools. I suspect you are able to get some of your emotional needs met through your teaching profession and all of the activites for your child, and he is using the puter to get his met, though he has crossed the line with the old girlfriend. 11 years is a lot of time to put in to have it lost now. Is there another way to look at counseling so that it would feel less threatening to you, such as refresher courses or something? To go from teacher to student? Every day is an opportunity to learn something new...good luck, I am praying for your family. Keep us posted.

Thank you Catch 21 for your good opinion. No I don't hate anyone for an honest reply. My husband does not know I have posted on this site. I believe I will show my post and your reply. He will love "parts" of it. You know, I believe you CAN love someone and dislike many things about them. Even maybe dislike them. My husband and I have this bond. I ask him, why do we stay together. He doesn't have an answer.I guess I should be more compassionate toward him. It is hard for me. Please don't think I can't be compassionate. I love my job. I work as a special education teacher for primary age children with disabilities. They touch my heart, and I feel like I go the extra mile to help them all I can. They come into this world and have to struggle so. And their poor moms and dads....it's sad. So to hear my husband whine about how rotten his life has been, and how he doesn't have what he wants in life, and blaming his dead parents...he keeps looking back. He screams and yells about everything. And everything is my fault. He says the housework is "my job". I get upset when I have been gone all evening taking my daughter to her different activities after work and I come home to a bleedin' mess. He says, don't start your crap. I don't do housework. I'm not your slave, and you're not going to control me!But every now and then he washes dishes, and I really appreciate it even though he'll say I washed YOUR dishes for you. I justs wince and say thank you so much!Yes, I realized the tone of my first post. I was trying to be as honest as I could. I do alot of stuff I should not, and I don't want to come off as the one NOT at fault. Thanks for replying, I enjoyed reading what you had to say.You know, rambling like I am is sort of therapeutic!

Thank you SueB for replying to my post. I believe you are right about my job meeting some need I have. I cannot say exactly what it is. By the way, excuse my writing. I write as if I'm thinking out loud. I jump from one thought to another.<P>I am doing what I always wanted to do. I LOVE being with kids, and I truly enjoy girl scouts and other activities my daughter is involved with. My husband on the other hand has never found what it is he would be happiest at. I do feel sorry for him at times. I want him to be happy, cause he is really grand when he's happy. He is very sensitive about everything, and goes into a rage over nothing. Then he sets me off, cause it's irritating to me to hear him yelling and screaming through the house over something as simple as not finding the "cutting board" where it is suppose to be, and accusing me of hiding it. So ridiculous!! He's the type that get right on the tail end of someone while driving down the interstate mumbling that the "*******" is purposefully getting in his way..etc. Stuff like that just irritates the crap out of me, and I tell him so too. I should look out the window and shut my mouth, but I feel if I don't say something I'll explode. He then in turns says I'm SO CRITICAL, and why don't I shut the hell up! I do try to hold my tongue many, many times for my daughter's sake.I just don't say anything so he'll be quiet. But he stays on me for 5 or 10 minutes even though I have not said a word in return. I am so mad inside I could scream. Then things usually settle down.<BR>Yes, I should find a counselor on my own. We have school psychologists at work who I'm sure could refer me to someone. I think it is embarrassing for me. I don't know, I'd probably be counter-therapeutic, my husband too. But maybe not. I have spent so many years listening to Bulls*** psychologists in my m-team meetings, I'm a bit negative. But I think a marriage counselor would be different. Thanks again for responding.

Thanks, Bayleaf, for doing what I had hoped you would...responding with logical explanations to my criticisms so that I feel compelled to apologize, and, therefore, I do.<BR>I much prefer to be wrong when being right indicates bad things; it makes it very easy to apologize.<BR> I have had the opportunity to get to know several special ed teachers, and it is you people who are the "special" in special ed. I have also seen the students and their parents. I have a huge respect for all of you.<BR> Could your H be suffering from depression? From what I've seen, the behaviors that you expanded on would seem to coincide. I going to guess suggesting examination for such a condition would not be popular with him, right? I can appreciate your embarassment about asking some one you know about a marriage counselor, too, as well as your contempt for rinky-dink shrinks<BR>(would you believe that phrase was spontaneous; I didn't intend to be that corny). I'll also guess that you'll have to make the first move if you want him to get involved in it. Maybe try looking through your insurance provider directory to see what is available and where. At least this will help maintain anonymity and help put you at ease. I do wish you the best. Please keep us posted.