DH and I just went through a very trying day. He just bought a new truck, which in my opinion, we can't really afford. He says he is sick of me saying "we can't afford that" and if I don't like it, he'll just pack his stuff in the truck and leave. This is the second time in about 3 months that he has threatened that in an argument. He knows that sends me into a tailspin and I'll end up crying and giving in to him. He knows that one of the biggest things I fear, is him leaving the kids. I fear him leaving me too but not as much as I fear him leaving the kids.<P>So, we talk some more and eventually he says he would never leave me or his kids but how am I suppose to trust that? He says he loves me but how can he say that and threaten to leave at the same time? <P>We have been having troubles since he started a new, highly demanding job in June. In August, I pushed the issue and that was when he first threatened to leave. That really put the fear into me and I have been afraid to express my feelings on anything remotely important for fear he will leave. <P>Though difficult, some of the things we have been going through have been good in that it has caused me to take a hard look at myself and my role in the problems in our marriage. I have been working on those things - trying to be more respectful of him and appreciative of him, trying to be more demonstrative of how I love him, trying to be more supportive and less nit-picky. Trying to be more communicative. <P>But it seems I am the only one bending. He stands firm and doesn't want to take responsibility for our problems. In his eyes, I am to blame for all of them. He even called me a ***** tonight. That hurt but not as much as his threat to leave.<P>I think he is going through a mid-life crisis. He's been under a lot of pressure with work and he just turned 40. He thinks he hasn't accomplished anything or have anything to show for all of his hard work (thus, the truck).<P>I can't take him threatening to leave. That is so hurtful. Even when he says he didn't mean it. How do I believe that and trust him? How do I know he isn't going to make good on the threat someday? <P>I love him very much. I have to admit I didn't really realize that until our problems came to a head in August. But I do and I want this marriage to last. I want us both to be happy and I want us to be good role models for our kids. We've been married 11 years and have 3 kids. Too much there to just give up on...

Dear Friend,<BR>I understand your pain....<BR>You yourself seem to have understood what your H problems are: stress, fear of not succeding in life, needing to fill his need of admiration through a truck....<BR>I so hope and pray that you would be able to do a little of what I am about to suggest. You need to show him you love him, show him that you need him, that you admire him and that you trust him. He may not be treating you the way he should, but if you can show him that you love him unconditionally, I think he might think twice before doing something foolish. It's obvious to me by what you said that he feels threatened when you talk of your finances. If at all posible I would say to just leave things to him. Tell him you opinions in a non-confrontational way but tell him, that you trust him, and you believe that he will do what is best. I know this may be really difficult, specially since you need to truly trust him, not just say it. If you can, pray for him. I wish you the best!

2tired--<P>You've certainly got your work cut out for you! <P>I'm trying to think of some suggestions for you. My first suggestion is marital counseling. But that's not always an option financially AND if one spouse refuses to go. We went. It has helped TREMENDOUSLY, learning better communication techniques.<P>I'm glad you're delving into reasons for your part of the muddle. Ultimately, we can only change ourselves.<P>Now...as to your H's part of it, since you can't change him per se, you CAN remain calm and sensible in conversations about things he does that bother you. Sounds like your H is a lot like mine--basically logical, a macho ego at play, and easily ruffled/intense in a continuing argument. <P>Big boys and their toys...obviously reasons that saying started!<P>Okay. I gather it's not the fact that he GOT a truck that bothers you--you're afraid you can't afford it. Right? Don't fuss at him any more about HAVING the truck (if you have been). Instead, calmly ask him to sit down and go over your family budget with you. He really wants that truck. Have him help you see how the budget will work with the extra payment. If something else can be changed within the budget to compensate for the truck money, you would probably feel better. Or, H may see that the truck payment is overwhelming and other arrangements can be made. Whatever is decided, decide it calmly, together. Don't make him feel his feelings are ridiculous or selfish, he really wants that truck. It could be YOU really wanting something he is adamantly against. The point here is to balance the feelings of both, and if an argument erupts w/every discussion about it, you're just going around in circles.<P>My H has a habit of considering my viewpoint over a period of time--like, a couple of days--esp. when it's about vehicles, or financial situations. A couple of years ago, he needed a car and was more interested in sporty types. I calmly told him that I trusted his final selection because I knew he would keep in mind we have 3 kids and some vehicles were more suitable for families than others. He didn't like hearing that, but DID bear that in mind at purchase time....a sedan. Whew.<P>Explain to your H that he's not "fighting fair" when he gets so angry he threatens to leave or calls you names. It is lovebusting, and it hurts your feelings. Try not to attack back when/if it happens again, just tell him you don't like it. Ask him, in the future, if he's going to storm out angrily, to take a second to say he's going to cool off and will return in an hour. That way you will feel more secure, and can understand his need for space until he calms down. And if he abruptly leaves a discussion, tell him you will expect him to return and bring up the subject again as soon as he is ready (within a reasonable amount of time). <P>Might these ideas be useful?