My long-term SO and I are having a conflict concerning jealousy. He's recently started working very closely with an attractive (married) female employee of his. It's a very informal office and they apparently spend a great deal of time talking and joking throughout the day, have really hit it off and become good friends. In contrast, he and I, for various reasons, have very little time together in the course of a day. Lately, when we finally do get together, it seems all I hear are the funny things this woman said, this woman's comment on this or that (much of which I don't know why she's involved in), etc. When I observe that it sounds like he spends much more time talking w/ her than to his other employees and suggest that, as the boss, maybe he should maintain some boundaries, he gets defensive. I'm not the most secure person in the world to start with, and I'm increasingly fearful that as they talk and share more (and we talk and share less; he seems to be all talked out at night now, and of course any mention of this woman starts a fight), his emotional bond w/ her will grow and ours will weaken. Even if they don't end up in an office affair (although this doesn't seem an impossibility to me), I'm jealous of their intimacy and the time they spend together and the fact that he seems to find interactions w/ her so enjoyable, whereas our aren't, necessarily. He maintains that because he's not looking and she isn't physically "his type," I'm being ridiculous and unreasonable. He insists that what I fear "can't happen," and I say, Why not? It happens everyday (I should know; it happened to me); I think they're tempting fate and need to be less chummy. Any opinions?

My views and advice on opposite sex relationships are pretty well known on these boards. In your case however I have to waiver a bit.<P>This man you are involved with is not your husband and I have heard no indications that you have made a life long commitment to each other. This is where these "living together before we're married" relationships really fall apart. On what moral or ethical grounds do you hold any influence or control over your SO? That is why marriage and the vows you take are so important. They are a pledge to love and honor for a life time! A promise that you can hold each other to and that must be protected. (end of sermon)<P>If you are serious about this guy I would be careful. His defensivness about the relationship should be a red flag. His total disregard for your feelings should also be sending you a signal. You may want to reconsider your relationship with a man that has such a different view on the dangerous topic of opposite sex relationships.

YOu mention she's attractive and he says she's not his type. Maybe you need to meet this person to either ease your insecurities or maybe fuel them even more. In either case, find out what his committment to you is in a good heart to heart, over dinner, all alone, conversation. Find out what qualities in a woman he likes, and then decide for yourself if you're a match. I can't say enough about the 'his needs, her needs' book. I hope it saves my marriage and helps your live-in situation too ... be confident, discover yourself and don't become absolutely dependent on him. Good Luck

Quandry, <P>My H's affair began just as you described it. He used to come home talk about her all the time. I tried confronting him in a loving way by telling him that it was not that I did not trust him, but that we are all humna and these things happen. Especially because I sensed that this woman also wanted more. He immediately got defensive too. You meeting her to see whether he is her type or not won't really help. This Other Woman (OW) was completely different from me. Personality, physsical features etc.. I kick myself now for not being as forward as I should have been. He assured me that he was not tempted at all and made me feel like it was all OK. I believed him. Then I found oout about the affair. Later he told me that he was trying to get away from her, but me talking to him about it made him run to her, instead of away from her. He wanted to prove to me that he could do it. He wanted to prove it to himself also. Well, he fell. If I were you, I would be very upfront and honest. To the extent of calling OW and telling her to stay away from your man. Regardless of what you do, there is still going to be pain. If you can prevent it now from continuing, do it. The fact of the matter is that your H has already crossed that line. He may not be having sex, but he is in essence having an emotional relatiobship with another woman. Be strong and set you standards. It may ecen be necessary for him to leave his job to get way from her. Your situation is already on the way to an affair.