I am a newlywed of 3 weeks. My husband is unhappy with his job and is trying to find a new one. I recognize that he takes his anger with work out on me an we have addressed that. Our arguements usually stem from silly little things that he blows out of proportion or money.<P>He typically critisizes, name calls, and is egocentric in arguements. I sometimes wonder if he just likes to argue. I have recently asked him this question and confronted him on his childish behaviors during arguements.<P>Since the wedding, and with the holidays approaching, he has been extremely critical of my family. My one brother and mother specifically because they did not bend over backwards to be overly attentive to him.<BR>As with a child, he feels like he didn't get enough attention, unwanted and left out. His family, of course, is perfect.<P>We have moved into his home and all cleaning and house related things are his way or incorrect. I understand that a lot of this is territorial. He has only owned this home for a year and buying a new home together right now is not an option.<P>I am not a confrontational personality and do not enjoy (nor am I skilled at) all of this bickering. <P>I wonder how much of this is learning to live with each other and blend our lives? How much of this is him being territorial? How much of this is normal? Aren't newlyweds supposed to be happy? What techniques could I use to "shut him down" when he exibits childish behaviors?<P>I have your book and have read it. He doesn't like to read and would probably not be open to the suggestion. I am feeling like my love bank is in negative numbers and am having difficulty recovering from each arguement, not to mention resentful. He is always very apologetic when he has time to think about what has been said.<P>Something I haven't addressed with him - for fear of any negative side effects - is his bossy and controling manners in bed. During our love making he is continually telling me what to do. We have been together for long enough that I do know what he likes but he never gives me a chance to show him. He just barks orders. How can I get that to stop without hurting his pride or causing injury to his ego?<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Goodness! Another case of "you've certainly got your work cut out for you!" <P>Yes, I would imagine some of what you're both going through is the reality of actually living together now. You are seeing each other's "faults," whereas before when you were just dating, you were more able to overlook faults and see the best things about each other. <P>When H and I began living together, I learned that he is an absolute PIG, UGH, WHAT A MESSER, INCONSISTENT IN CLEANING UP AFTER HIMSELF (sorry, honey, if you're reading). Now why I didn't relate that earlier when actually seeing his messy housekeeping is beyond me--no, it was because I overlooked it with love and passion stars in my eyes. <P>You'll need to help your H understand that although it WAS his house before marriage, you BOTH live there now, and his ways aren't necessarily your ways. There IS no right or wrong about it, it's just different. Your feelings are just as important as his, and compromises are now in order. His attitudes won't change overnight. There IS no easy fix for this. <P>I think it's going to take a LOT of patience on your part. You may even have to directly confront him on some issues, but do not resort to the same immature antics of lovebusting. Don't call him names, or say things that belittle him...it will only aggravate situations. Try to remain respectful when telling him your feelings--show him the way yourself. But I would certainly tell him immediately when he says or does things that bother you, and you do NOT have to enter into arguments with him. Suggestions: in a calm, non-irritated tone, <P>"Although I understand your feelings, I prefer you don't speak ill of my family. It hurts me when you do." <P>"You do that very well. Would you prefer to be responsible for that chore, or shall I get it done in MY way?" <P>"I feel defensive when you call me unpleasant names, and I ask that you not do that." <P>"This discussion feels more like an argument to me now. Would you like to talk about it some more later?" <P>"Honey, I love making love with you, you're wonderful...here, let me share in the creativity...." And proceed with ideas of your own.<P>Are these ideas any help for you?

Thank you so much for your suggestions! A lot of it sounds like what is in my head... it just needed a method! <P>I appreciate the actual quotes and will save them for future reference.<P>