My wife wants to leave without even trying to fix the problem(married 5 years). She says she can't take anymore. I feel like she is waiting for me to cave in and say it is all my fault. She doesn;t realize the problems go both ways and puts everything on me. The kicker is I tell her I know I need to correct problems and have tried different things (like seminars, books, etc). She won;t try anything and expects me to do all of the changing. With 2 y/o twins and a newborn, our lives have been crazy lately. if it wasn;t for them I would say f'it and pack it in. <P>Does anyone have suggesstions for trying to convince her for us to see counseling?

I am a newlywed so I don't have a lot of marital experience. I am, however, a woman and may be able to offer some suggestions here.<P>First, is she really telling you what is bothering her? If the answer is "yes" and you think they are small, insignificant things... they may be big to her and helping to change a couple of things at a time could make all the difference in the world.<P>Second, with three small children, do you have any real quality time together? If not, maybe a "date night" could help. Maybe she is feels in demand all day with children (and a job?) with what she may view as no attention, appreciation or affection from you.<P>Third, could you get her to sit down and write a list of her 5 biggest reasons for wanting to leave? Maybe seeing them on paper could make them more real and workable for both of you. <P>I also have to wonder if she is just saying she will leave to get attention? I hope I haven't said anything to make you any more frustrated.<P>The little things are sometimes the most important things to women. If you are on a tight budget I would suggest doing little things around the house, a note saying how much you love and appreciate her could make all the difference. Also, greeting cards are pretty inexpensive and can say a lot! Even just one little flower (doesn't have to be a rose) shows her that you went out of your way and you were thinking of her. <P>If she will consent to counseling, could it hurt?<P>Just some things to think about. Everyone, including you, likes to feel loved and appreciated.<P>

Thanks for the reply. I know I need to work on things like you mentioned (particularly the little things-Dr. John Gray's book really pointed this out- I recommend it to all). I haven't really made enough time for her to make her feel appreciated, loved and that she is the center of my universe on a consistant basis. At the same time she hasn't either, so it's like the pot calling the kettle black. My problem is that she needs to work on things as well but won't admit it. What she does not understand is that she needs to do these things to ENABLE me to be a better husband. And I have said this to her many of times. For example, when I want to express myself on something I do not like, I should be able to tell her without having to worry that she is going to crush me like a fly (mentally). She has a very competitive nature about herself and is always "keeping score". When I want to make a point about something on her "score list", I get "well I do that much more then you"<P>I am just so frustrated that she is so willing to just give up and here I am saying "I know I need to do more of x,y,z and less of a,b,c but I need you to help me" Then in the back of my mind I am also questioning my own love for her and am getting more and more confused each day.<BR>

It sounds to me like you love her very much, otherwise you would not care enough to try! <P>As someone once told me, show your partner the way! If you want her to be more affectionate, maybe you will have to show her first. If it is truly a marriage it shouldn't matter who goes first. Positive reinforcement is always a better alternative than negative.<P>My H likes to argue, I do not. He likes to keep score too. Since we are newlyweds I feel it is important to get off on the right foot. I try to be calm and not argue back and when pushed into a corner by "the score" I try to remind him, as calmly as possible, that it is not a competition... marriage is about being a team, a united front and a comfort to each other. He has responded to this since then and so far, so good!<P>I am sorry to hear she "crushes you like a fly (mentally)". Could her anger and lashing out be due to something else and she uses your efforts at communication to vent?<P>Why is she so willing to give up? Why would she want to confuse your childrens' lives by divorce? Fighting / disagreements, to some degree, are healthy and normal - so I am told. Not fighting at all shows apathy, a lack of caring where the relationship is going. <P>Ultimately, you each have to ask yourselves how you want your futures to proceed?<P>Hope this helps a little. Wish I could do / say more.

Hi,<BR>I think it must be very difficult for both of you, with a newborn and twins! I only have two, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed!<BR>I think I spotted part of the problem when you stated that your wife needed to make changes to enable you to be a good husband. Likewise she could say that you need to make changes to enable her to bwe a better wife. I'm sorry to have to inform you that, that is just not the way a marriage works. The position you are taking will bring on a lose/lose situation.<BR>I think, that if you really love your wife, and I believe you do, you need to concentrate on showing her you love her, making her feel appreciated and needed. Maybe she is even wanting to leave because she needs to know that you will do everything it takes to make her want to stay! Don't let pride get in the way of your beautiful family! If she is calling it quits it's because she is probably very hurt, angry, or feeling used or unloved! Reassure her, LOVE her. Yes of course she needs to make changes also, and if you are willing to takes the first step towards healing in your marriage, I'm sure it will mean a lot to her, and you will both be winners!<BR>Take care! I wish you the best!<BR>Oh, P.S.<BR>Telling her how you have improved, totally destroys any benefits you may have achieved!I would definitely urge you to not do that! Believe me, I tell you this because your story rings bell of my near past, and it is still very fresh in my memory. If you can change your attitude, I bet your wife will follow shortly after, but if you demand that she change first, you could both lose.

At the Garysmalley web site you can get ahold of a book called "Winning your wife back, before its too late." Get it and read it and take is very seriously. My husband has read it and keeps reading it over and over. Your wife has probably been runny on dry for a long time and her spirit is closed (Smalley terminology) and this book will give you some concrete ideas on how to reach her. Don't bother pointing the finger back at her right now, cause that will just shut her down. Be a man and take responsibility, your family will benefit.

Hi IamInTrouble,<P>My name is Mark and I understand your situation for I am going through the same torture. Listen to Zelhuflo for there is excellent advice. I can let a second go by thinking about how I can improve my situation and I get so burnt out that I am always seeking new inspirations and strength. Hang in there for so am I.