I feel the need to discuss an issue with my husband that will probably make him defensive and argumentative but I truly don't want to tkae any love units from his account. <BR>Am I being a taker if I tell him that he is damaging my self esteem? Here are some examples of how he's hurting my self esteem: 1) he has requested that he not see me naked very often, 2) We work out intensely at least 1 hour every day because he wants me to reshape my body -- actually I want this too, and 3) he can only get aroused enough to have sex with me by watching a porno video or beautiful women on TV -- I can't arouse him (actually I've never tried because when I've asked him what arouses him the answer has never been me and I am terrified of his rejection at this point).<P>I'm about 20 lbs over weight.. I'm a size 10 (sometimes a size 8) but kind of flabby. I weigh 140 and am 5'6. He says I have a pretty face and am beautiful on the inside. He is a wonderful husband and is kind to me. He meets all of my emotional needs except my need for sexual passion. <P>Should I tell him this stuff as part of being honest or am I just being a taker? If I do need to tell him how do I do it with it being a love buster?<BR>

I really understand your plight but I am kinda on the other end of the rope. Sometimes as men we don't really understand the commitment we made to meet ALL of our wives needs. Sometimes, he may need to be reminded that he doesn't look the same as he did when you walked the aisle. Are there any men in your Church who could talk to husband about his addiction (although he may not admit to that)? Being accountable to other men can sometimes help. I have a problem with my wife finding herself desirable and hence our sexual intimacy in hindered. I have told her several times how beautiful she still is and even encourage her with her own dieting and exercise goals. I guess it will take time and patience. Be careful of any outside temptations during this time also....

First of all... you are NOT overweight! I can't even beleive you would think that based on the statistics you listed. You are well below the national average of a size 14-16! Is he aware of that? The response before this one mad a great point... men don't think about their own appearance and are quick to critisize women about theirs.<P>I can't even believe he has verbally ASKED not to see you naked.... why? If he loves you he loves YOU! For better or for worse. <P>You are already exercising and eating right - you are working toward your own goal! He can support you but should not critisize or punish you for your efforts. <P>You are NOT a taker if you try to communicate with your husband about anything. Communication is so very important. He could possibly be unaware of the effect he is having on your self esteem. He loves you he will want you to be happy emotionally and mentally. If he truly meets all of your emotional needs as you say, he will be able to meet this one too. <P>Some men do not understand that women need to be emotionally and mentally ready for sex and feel wanted and loved. Men are driven by physical needs alone. <P>My personal opinion is that pornos are an invasion into your love making and allowing other people in the room. I dated a man that used to do that. It made me feel very inferior and unneeded, and undesirable. I would strongly reccomend that pornos are completely removed from your love making! If he can only be aroused enough by pornos then some counseling may be in order for him and / or both of you. As in the previous message, it sounds like he may have an addiction.<P>In my opinion, which is not professional, I would definitely talk to him about all of this. It is love busting NOT to communicate your needs and the damage he is doing to your self esteem and marriage! That is not being a taker, that is being a communicator!<BR>Isn't he taking love units from YOUR account when he does these things? <P>Remember, it is important to be happy within yourself. If you are happy with your appearance then it will show. Do not be negative about your appearance with him... if you say negative things, he will think them too. If you say positive things... he will think that! <P>Example, "I am so fat, I need to loose weight". He may think, "oh, she needs my help with her weight goals, hmm... maybe she is fat". If you say, "I am so happy about the results from my workouts, I am really getting in shape!" He may think, "yes, she is looking good!" :-) Positive thoughts go a long way! <P>Best of luck!

Thanks to both of you for your replies!<BR>ndsimm that helps me understand a little bit where he's coming from. I guess I do need to discuss the porno thing with him. I just know how much it will hurt if he actually says he needs it in order to have sex with me and I'd like to avoid that. <BR>lkgrubb, I really liked your point about being positive about how I think about myself. I do tend to reinforce what I believe he thinks about my body...I'm going to stop that today and tell him start telling him how happy I am about the improvements I'm seeing! You're also right about him doing some "love buster" things -- I've been so concerned about making him happy that I hadn't even thought about any of this from my perspective.<BR>I think we'll have some good times to talk about all of this over the weekend. I got the His Needs Her Needs audio tape to listen to in the car over the weekend and I think he'll be willing to do that...that will hopefully give me a good opening to start a conversation about some of these things. I know he'd go to counseling, although perhaps reluctanlty, if I felt the need to go...we may need to do that. I just want to nip this in the bud before it develops into a really big problem. <BR>

Good luck! Don't give up. If you love each other it will all work out eventually. Love edures!