My husband and I are currently in the process of getting a divorce. About a year and a half ago, I became close with a co-worker --- he was unhappy with his marriage and I was unhappy with mine --- my husband had signed me up for my job which I didn't like, we were barely speaking, we had financial problems --- this other man was at first just my friend and things went down the wrong path. My husband found out about the affair, we went through counseling for a year, my co-worker got fired --- things between my husband and I seemed to be getting better. But he would go from being happy to being obsessed over every aspect of my life --- to the point I couldn't do anything without him knowing about it --- I couldn't have friends or spend a day eating lunch without him --- but I was willing to let how ever much time it took for us to be better ---- he wasn't. He moved out and filed for divorce --- we have two kids who were suffering through this too --- so when he filed, I didn't fight ----or I am not fighting --- except when he filed, he filed for sole custody because of my affair --- so I am just trying to get complete shared custody ---- as much as that is possible. Anyway, our hearing is in a week, my birthday is in 4 days --- and now he says he has changed his mind and wants to reconcile --- but I don't --- I have accepted things are over --- I don't have anyone else, I don't want anyone else in my life --- but I don't want the emotional roller coaster we have been on --- and he won't accept that ---- he wants me to give him another chance and I don't think I love him anymore. But I don't want to be mean either. I made a mistake with the affair --- and I regret that for the rest of my life --- but maybe because I had an affair, he and I are just not meant to be together. Any thoughts on any of this would be appreciated! thanks.....

Elle,<P>If there is anything, just a very small flicker of the fire that once burned brightly in your heart for your husband, don't walk away from your marriage. You both have made poor choices in the past and now you may be making a worse one. If his offer of reconciliation is sincere then enter a marriage rebuilding program under the guidance of a professional counselor. You sound defeated and withdrawn. Don't accept defeat. I understand about rollercoaster rides. My wife tells me that I constantly take her on them also. I take the responsibility for this and try to reassure her that maybe she wouldn't enjoy the height of the peaks so much if it weren't for the stark depth of the valleys. I don't mean to sound flippant; I know the agony you must be suffering. If your husband is willing could you both give Dr. Harley's concepts a try? A successful marriage is never easy. It requires a constant vigilant effort on the part of both husband and wife to live in harmony. I sense that you really don't want this divorce and I urge you to accept your husband's offer if he is willing to fully commit to living by Dr. Harley's concepts. They work. Used properly they will restore not only harmony in your marriage but will rekindle the romance that brought you together in the beginning. Don't give up what could be a new beginning.

elle,<P>Hi again. It's too bad that your husband's behaviors have put such a drain on your lovebank (in Harleyspeak). <P>The affair you had means nothing about whether you and he are "meant" to be together. That's just nonsence. Your kids are suffering now---they will continue to suffer to some degree if you divorce. If you could estabish a healthy, loving marriage between you and your husband, it would be the best possible situation for them.<P>I don't think that'll be easy, but I think it's worth putting off the divorce for a while. You both need to sit down and decide (using the POJA) on a plan for reconciliation. I would suggest that you talk to Steve Harley directly (888-639-1639) and have him help you with this. I also think that your husband should probably consider being evaluated for depression---I seem to recall his emotions swinging pretty wildly, and antidepressants can help control that.<P>The two of you can make it if you want to---this seems to be a real opportunity. I hope you decide to take it.<P>