4 weeks ago my wife told she was leaving. She needed her space and had lost her identity. Up until that point everything had been going very well. We've been totally on the same wave length our entire marriage - never fighting, always working towards the same goals. This is a shock to me as I did not see it coming. She said she has been thinking about for a couple of months - but she never acted like anything was wrong. We still made plans for the future and went about our daily lives like nothing was the problem. Well she has now moved out and she refuses give me her new address nor give me her phone number. She is not seeing another guy. She said she is happy with her choice and now would like to get on with spearation (since there are no grounds for a divoce). I've asked her many times to go to counseling with me but she refuses. I've still not really gotten an answer as to why she left except to find her space. What should I do?

Hi Spinky,<P>You've come to the right place! There's a lot of resources on this website to help you and your wife get your marriage back on track. If you haven't already, read Dr. Harley's concepts, browse the bulletin boards, look at some of Dr. Harley's Q+A columns.<P>I'm sorry if this sounds rude, I don't mean to be harsh but it's difficult to convey the sense in which words are meant when typing. But if your wife left you, it couldn't really be that "up until that point everything had been going very well" because if it had, she wouldn't have left. People leave marriages because they have unmet emotional needs, and it sounds like this is a case where you didn't even know her needs were going unmet. The hard part will be to convince her to give you the opportunity to meet those needs in the future. Since you don't have her new address or phone number, you don't know when you'll see her next. Here's what I would do: I'd get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs (you can buy it on the website or any bookstore) and carry it with me everywhere I go. That way, when I see her next, I'd have it with me (read it too). When you do see her, ask to speak to her privately, and calmly and lovingly apologize for letting her needs go unmet. Show her the book, and tell her how you feel - tell her you want an opportunity to make things right in your marriage. Ask her if the two of you, together, can try one more time before you separate. Be patient, and hope she comes around - I'll be praying for you!<P>P.S. In my post I've been very centered on your failure to meet her needs, and by that I don't mean to imply you don't have needs too. It's just that since you thought everything was going so well, your needs were probably being met.

Actually I've been applying the stuff I've learned on this site. <P>In fact, when my wife was still speaking to me, both her and I went over the emotional needs list and she said I have met every single one of those need on the list.<P>I really believe she is going thru a mid-life crisis and just has to get away from it all. Unfortunately there is no formula for getting someone out of a mid-life crisis. They really just gotta do it on thier own. I'll be here to offer support and friendship when she needs it.<P>She wants to do a separtion agreement but that just makes me think our whole marriage is doomed. I see this as the first step in divorce.<P>Since she won't talk to me about anything and all she does is say nasty things to me I've decided to just cut off communications with her for awhile and let her decide when to talk to me.<P>I can't think of anything else to do. I'll just spend the time working on myself.<BR>