My H left me for the first time in November. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore and needed "space." Then, ge decided, he was in love, after all, and came home just before Christmas. He told me he was home for good. <P>He left again New Year's Eve day. I had to spend the evening alone, hosting a party that we had planned together, and tried to entertain 6 other couples - no one to kiss, no one to see the new year in with... he never even called me.<P>I am so jealous and resentful and I hate this separation. I feel we'll never work things out if we aren't together. He has no responsibilities and can come and go as he pleases, and I have our Daughter, the house, the dog, the bills, and no life. He always knows where I am, because I CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! He goes out several nights a week. tonight it was a movie with friends from work. I had asked him when he was home if he'd like to go with me and see a movie, but he said he wasn't into that just now. It's OK with to do things with anyone BUT me, now.<P>He told me tonight that part of being separated is not having to be accountable to me for where he is and what he's doing and what time he leaves or gets in. That he wants to be "separate" from me. That he doesn't WANT to tell me and he doesn't WANT me to know where he is or what he's doing anymore. I told him this is not a marriage anymore. Being married means you DO know where your spouse is and what they're doing. It's not that I'm checking up on him - it's just that his reluctance to be honest about his activities (which, I have discovered, are usually innocent) unnerve and frighten me. It feels too much like the beginning of the end - not like a solution to his problems.<P>It seems his answer to any conflict is to run away, not talk it out. He doesn't want to tell me how he's feeling. HE DEFINITELY doesn't want to know how I'm feeling, because he feels that we should be "separate" right now. This plan of his just builds more and more resentment, distrust and anger in me. It's only creating greater distance between us. I did not want this, and he keeps acting like we're in agreement, when I'm not at all. HE thinks this is good for "us," and it's only good for him. I hate it. <P>If I cry, he runs away, because it makes him feel bad. If I ask any questions, he runs away, because he doesn't feel that I am entitled to any answers (we're separated - I shouldn't even ask). <P>When he came home, all I did was ask him when we could get the rest of his stuff out of his apartment, but he said he didn't want to give it up - just in case - after telling me (AND our daughter!) that he was home for good and was committed to me and to our marriage. When I said keeping the apartment is not being committed, he ran away again.<P>Now I wish that I could run away. This is killing me.<P>------------------<BR>Anne46<BR>

Anne46,<P>Your husband is not suffering from a mid-life crisis, he is suffering from extreme foolishness and sheer lunacy associated with immaturity. I have always been a proponent for keeping a marriage together for the sake of children. However, in your case, the emotional rollercoaster ride that this lowlife is taking both you and your daughter upon cannot justify your continued acceptance of his callous tampering with your and your daughter's hearts. Tell the slug to grow up and start acting like a father and a husband or to take a permanent walk and get the hell out of your lives. Unfortunately for him, the sperm he freely sowed and donated to you for the birth of YOUR daughter (emphasis on "your" intentional), ties him to you and your daughter financially whether he wants that responsibility or not - and that can be enforced. His despiteous behaviour, regardless of where he lays the blame - his mother's death? please, give me a break - is truly despicable for the harm he is causing your daughter and the pain he is bringing to your heart. Relay to him that he should be man enough to make decisions and then live with those decisions, right or wrong, and to just take responsibility for those decisions. I'm surprised that at the mellow age of 42 this turkey can't realise what he has at home. He doesn't deserve a loving and devoted wife or a precious and beautiful daughter. Tell him you'd like to get on with providing a healthy and loving home for your daughter and that if he doesn't want to be a part of that home (except for the court mandated upkeep)then he should crawl on off to whatever life he may find for himself. Enough of the craziness.

Wow - I know exactly how you are feeling and I totally give you Hugs. <P>My husband of 8 years admitted to an emotional affair with a friend of ours we met online. She left her husband and moved back with her parents - 20 miles from us. I thought he wanted to make things work out and I sure wanted that too. But he told me he hasn't been happy and he didn't love me "that" way anymore. But he sure never had a problem going to bed with me or showing me affection, so I am still not certain what "that" stands for. We have 2 little ones, ages 2 and 5, who we both love dearly. Well, he walked out on us a week before Christmas and is living with her and her parents house (so I am sure that it is a physical affair now). He comes over everyday to spend time with the kids and I have begged, pleaded and cried for him to return. What does he tell me? Go find a boyfriend. Please..I am married and I have always been faithful to him. I love him and I know he loves me, but the more I nag and whine, he runs away from me. I am stressed to the limit taking care of these little ones, worrying about the bills and getting stuck at home - while he is prancing around like a teenager. He sleeps in and goes to the movies. I would LOVE to do that just once!!! I am so resentful of what he is doing to me and the "fun" that he is having, while I sit here miserable and caring for OUR children. <P>I have decided that the best way to cope with this is to stop begging and crying. It wasn't working - so do the opposite. I act happy and confident around him. I talk to him cordially and don't bring up anything unless he brings it up. I have lost 30 lbs since this has happened and have been prancing around after a shower while he is here..heeee...just to make him cry. And he is..since the OW is not attractive..heh. When he walks out the door, I then lock myself into the bathroom and weep, but I know that I cannot do that around him. <P>Good luck and if you want a shoulder to cry on..I am here and know how you are feeling.<P>Kristy

God, Kristy - are we in the same boat, or what? Your story sounds so much like mine -except for the "other woman" part. <P>He falls madly into bed with me every chance he gets - he wants to "date" me, but won't live with me and be a husband and a father.<P>And I lost 40 pounds - 20 on the "anxiety diet" and the last 20 on a real diet. <P>What's with this come-here-go-away thing? <P>Thanks for answering me - I'll stay in touch.

Why can he come and go as he pleases, you shouldn't allow that. My personal opinion. The hurt is only worse that way and lasts longer. My mom has been begging my dad for 4 years to come home, still no divorce but it's in the works finally. She's a wreck. Now, my life is a wreck, only my H doesn't know i know, YET!You hold the cards.

Boy you guys are on a emotional rollercoaster, I put up with that for two whole years and always begged him to come back and come back and then he would come back we would be passionate and all cozy for about two or three weeks and then guess what? He was gone again. He left again on December 8, 1999 and he has been the one begging me to take him back and I finally said NO!!! I don't know where we are going to end up but right now I want a divorce. I deserve better than what I am getting from him.<P>TP