My wife and I are both 38 years old. We have a blended family of four children. One daughter from my first marriage, a son and daughter from her first marriage, and a three year old of our own.<BR>In July of 1998, abot a year after her 2 moved in with us, we separated because of some disagreements about finances and the kids. I maintained contact, and two months later she asked me to move back in. She said no problem was too big that we couldn't handle it together. We settled back into our routine of work(we both do)and without any further work on our problems, things deteriorated again,so that in May of last year, she said she didn't love me anymore and wanted out. She even had a lawyer draft a separation agreement. I never signed it. Just before I was about to leave, she threw herself at me, said she couldn't live without me, and that she wanted us together forever, no matter what. She made these same pronouncements to both of our families. I stayed of course because I loved my wife and am committed to our marriage "till death do us part"Ineveitably, we settled back into our routines(do you rcognize a pattern here?) and things deteriorated AGAIN until 2 weeks before this past Christmas, she asked that I leave again. She said she's not in love with me, doesn't want to be in the marriage, and that counseling would be useless. She will nt even discuss what went wrong.( I know that we both failed to meet eachothers most important emotional needs)She had a new separation agreement drawn up, and this time I reluctantly signed it, trying to call her bluff.<BR>I love my wife and do not want to leave. She swears there is noone else, that it's her inability to sustain a ommittment. I am still in the house, and she says I am under no pressure to leave soon, although I should look at March as a target time.<BR>MY question is "do I leave and try to love my way back in?", or do I plant my feet, stay and hope she'll turn around again. What is my next move. I want to work on this!P.S. WE never resolved our problems after any of these crises.<P>------------------<BR>Determined in Virginia

Dear Determined -<P>It may help to think of it this way. You have separated (almost) a couple of times without counseling, and gone back to your old behavior patterns. It is happening again.<P>If you convince your wife to stay (or let you stay), you need to change your patterns so that you can be happy with each other. <P>I really recommend counseling. Go by yourself if your wife won't go with you. There is advice on 'How to Find A Marriage Counselor' if you do a quick search.<P>I would also recommend Plan A. This is covered elsewhere on this website. This is a plan to get your wife to allow you to deposit units in her love bank, which is shorthand for how to get her to fall back into love with you.<P>It sounds to me as if you have a fighting chance here if you take the opportunity. Your wife has not insisted you leave, and therefore she may be easier to re-establish your relationship with. Identify and eliminate your lovebusters, and you can start the process. <P>You mentioned that you are living with your wife's children from a previous marriage. It is possible that one lovebuster for your wife are any lovebusters that you are sending to her children. It is very difficult but very important that you identify and eliminate these love busters. Women are fiercely protective of their children, and the blended structure of your family makes it particularly easy for issues like this to arise.<P>Good luck and God bless you. You have taken the first step by recognizing that your patterns are part of a picture. A good counselor can help you and your wife see the whole picture, and work with you to eliminate the factors that are preventing you and your wife from being in love with each other.<P>Regards,<BR>RS0522