First off, I will admit that I did a really stupid thing. When H and I started having problems, particularly with the pornography thing, (see my profile) I went to his mother for help dealing with it. She’s a strong Christian, went through something similar with her first husband (my H’s father who died in an accident), and I thought she might be a source of support. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!!! In her opinion, the pornography is a curse and I expect too much of my H. I’m controlling and money-hungry and I guess I’m just all around not good enough for HER son.<P>H has never defended me to his mother, but after this incident, he made a half-hearted effort. He has since realized that he’s got to support me in this (since I’m the one he’s married to) and has become slightly more emphatic in his defense of me to his mother, but he holds no anger toward her about the whole situation and her feelings/comments to me.<P>I’m horrified that she thinks these things about me. I’m devastated, actually. She was always really nice to me and we seemed to get along great, but at the first sign of trouble I just can’t believe she turned on me like that! I also can’t believe my H isn’t mad at her for thinking these things about me. If it was me and someone said that about my H, I would be furious! For one, I would feel like they were criticizing me for my choice of a spouse and two, I don’t want things like that said about the people I love.<P>Anyway, I’m in a very difficult position because I don’t want anything to do with my MIL and my husband desperately wants her and I to reconcile. I don’t quite understand this, because at times, I’ve had to practically FORCE him to call her and keep a relationship going. I don’t really understand why all of a sudden it’s SO VERY IMPORTANT to work things out. Any advice or insight?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Bonnie

Whoa ScubaGirl!<P>There are people here who are much more experienced than me and I think they will reply soon.<P>However, there are several problems here.<BR>One the MIL thing: probably not a good idea to confide in her, but it's done and now time to try to repair damage. Some mothers cannot believe their children, maybe especially their sons, can do any wrong. If they do, someone else must have driven them to it. I know how painful it must be to be blamed for your H's behaviour, but this is NOT an impartial judge. I have sons, I hope I would be more understanding, but I don't think I could ever be impartial. You told her that her son has a flaw, she doesn't want to hear it.<P>This is getting long, but the other component is your anger about how your H used to be. Clinging to anger about the past is ulitmately defeating. Try to focus on the present.<P>Hope this helps.

Bonnie,<P>The first thing that you should concentrate on is your relationship with your husband. Deal with mil later, once you and your husband learn to negotiate to create a win-win situation. Read Dr Harley’s article on How to create a plan to resolve martial conflicts. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html</A> <P>Read Basic concepts and Q&A columns<P>You both need to identify the love busters that are destroying your marriage and learn to eliminate them. There is an arsenal of information that Dr Harley’s provides on this site that can teach you both how to rebuild your marriage. All you need is the desire to improve you relationship and the self-discipline to follow Dr Harley’s plan.<P> <P><P>------------------<BR>Scott

Thank you guys for your comments. <P>Scott, I have read Love Busters, His Needs, Her Needs, Give and Take, and the website. I’ve been lurking here in the forum for about a month, and we’re in counseling with Steve Harley. I feel like I have a pretty firm grasp on the concepts of Marriage Builders, at least intellectually. That doesn’t always mean my emotions cooperate with me, but I’m trying very hard. Thanks so much for the encouragement.<P>I agree totally that H and I need to work out our own problems first. What I think might have prompted this whole reconciliation thing is that my H is in the running for a position in our hometown and we may be moving back to where both his parents and my parents live. We’ve lived there before and my H didn’t care much about his mother then. So that’s why I’m baffled as to why it’s of the utmost importance now that we have a good relationship with her. <P>Hanora, you hit the nail on the head so well when you talked about being blamed for my H’s behavior. When he would barely talk to his mother and I encouraged and encouraged and ENCOURAGED him to just give her a phone call—who do you think got blamed for “keeping” her son away from her? The more I think about it, the more discouraged I get and the more convinced that I don’t want anything to do with the woman.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Bonnie