Hi, I've been married for almost 13 years and things have progressively gone from bad to worse. I have done lots of research on the net and find that for the most part (although less and less) I have been trying to resolve problems in a positive and respectful way. The biggest issue between us is his anger and temper and whenever I try to talk about my feelings, he immediately becomes defensive and starts attacking me with accusations and anger. I have become as bad as him as I get very frustrated at not being allowed to stay on the topic. Everything I say becomes a criticism of him in his head. I won't say there haven't been other problems as I have suffered from depression for some time (although have been totally better for the last year) and lack of sex has always been an issue. For a long time I heard how he felt rejected and I should also be thinking about his needs. Not a lot of sympathy or understanding about how I was feeling.<P>I have tried very hard to build an emotional connection with him but failed miserably. He just withdrew more and more. Every time I was upset with his behaviour and wanted to talk about it, the arguments and accusations went on for days with him eventually saying he knew he was wrong and he would change. Then we would have a 'normal' time before the same behaviour became an issue. This circle has been going on for a long time and the 'normal' time has been getting less and less. All the time he blames everything else for his behaviour, usually me or the children, but never takes responsibility for it himself and never takes real action to change it. I have kept telling him that my feelings are not about him but what he is doing. Why couldn't he hear that? Obviously I wasn't saying it all as well as I thought I was.<P>I have felt totally ignored and alone and any request to meet my needs has met with him telling me I'm selfish, I only think about myself. He also says I'm controlling, over-demanding, and lots of other things, mostly things I have said about him. Yes, I have been accusing and critical and take full responsibility for that but have felt that I had no options. I tried to speak to him every way I knew and was faced with a brick wall of defense. He just wouldn't talk respectfully and wouldn't open up to me. He never initiated any talking or discussion about how he felt about my behaviour. He has always said, why can't I just accept him as he is and that I always want to over talk everything.<P>To cut a long story short, one day I had had enough and (not for the first time) told him to go. This time he went. He had nothing to say to me at all for three weeks, just came to see the girls and treated me politely like I was a stranger. Then he decided to tell me that he didn't love me and didn't want to come back, certainly not on my terms. My terms were communication, understanding, empathy etc.<P>After many weeks of e-mail communication (mostly by me) and lots of accusations flying I am in a very frustrating place. I have told him that we owe it to our lives not just to run away from the problems between us but to try and resolve them and have asked him to work together on our relationship but to do it differently. I believe we can get back what we've lost by changing the way we relate to one another and communicate with one another. He agrees that we need to do this without fighting but doesn't understand how we can do it, in spite of me sending him lots of information and explaining in great detail how we both have to change to do this through intentional dialogue and respect. I've been saying the same thing to him for years. He thinks this should be a session where he tells me where I've gone wrong and I tell him where he's gone wrong. He's bewildered and confused at how that will do either of us any good. He's right of course, it won't. <P>I'm very frustrated by the fact that he just won't take it on board and will just refuse to see that his way of dealing with things just doesn't work - in spite of the evidence that we are separated. <P>Our marriage has been standing still for years because he won't even try to understand my feelings, he just wants to win and be right. None of my needs have been met and consequently none of his have either so I can understand why he wants out but not why he won't make any effort to either do things differently or try to make anything better between us. He hasn't in the past and yes, I am hoping that the shining light of logic and sense will prevail and this time he will realise that making an effort to do it the right way could be more beneficial than to keep doing it the wrong way.<P>At this point in time I am waiting for his reply to my reasoned request for both of us to come together positively without any anger or accusation and talk about feelings, not about one another. Trusting one another is pretty dead but I am trying to get through to him about doing this positively and not negatively, which is where he is at the moment.<P>Any advice on how I can handle this would be appreciated. I've put all my anger and hurt aside for now and I'm writing to him as lovingly as I can and meaning it very sincerely.