My husband of 30 years just walked in and announced that he had filed for a divorce. I was shocked although we've had many problems in our marriage. I am a functional alcoholic meaning I don't drink every day but when I do about 2 times a week I get quite drunk (at night). He goes on drinking sprees nearly every week stumbling into the house at 2AM.<BR>So we're both in need of help.<P>His company has been failing over the past year, my father has been critically ill for the past year and recently died. I've been depressed and just done nothing with my life for two year. (very alcohol related and also from my husband's unwillingness to talk out our problems).<BR> In other words, things were and are a mess and I just let things get worse with my own behavior. I was verbally abusive when I drank due to his ruining our financial situation and taking our personal funds to bail out his company without consulting me. He tuned me out when I tried to talk over anything. <BR>When he walked out I just fell apart. But I did return to AA and will attend a third meeting tonight and do this for myself and my family. I have a job interview this week and I began exercising. Not only are all these things keeping me busy but at least I feel I'm working on myself. <BR> He believes there is no hope no matter what I do and although he takes his share of blame he says he no longer feels emotional love for me. He states he is not happy and hasn't been for a long time. Yet, he has good qualities and I want to save this marriage. I'm willing to work on it and get counselling, he's only willing to listen to me an open mind (his words). <BR>We have three children with the youngest being 22 and they are shocked even though they know we've not always been happy, they and I thought we loved each other.<P>Can I save this marriage?<BR>kb

Keep your chin up. The fact that your husband indicates he's willing to listen with an open mind is a step in the right direction! You mentioned that you are attending AA but has he ever attended. My partner and I have addiction issues as well so I know how things can snowball but I think facing your own is the first thing. 30 years is a long time. I'm crossing my fingers you'll be able to get some poignant counseling advice to help save your lives and relationship.

colorwheel, No my husband has never been to AA and I doubt if he ever would. I went over 5 years ago and stopped drinking for a while but my husband encouraged me to try drinking again. You can guess what happened. He doesn't truly understand the disease we have but I will say that he is a higher functioning alcoholic than I. His present drinking buddy is an alcoholic and I believe this guy has contributed greatly in the demise of our marriage.<BR> <BR>Our main problem was and is communication. I want to talk things out he wants to pout and remain silent. My approach may be wrong but I've really tried to get him to open up. He won't. <P>We separated for 6 months 12 years ago when my isolation and insecurities led me to an affair. We eventually patched it up but he would never open up to me about his feelings.<P>He then had an affair 6 years ago and we still worked thru it but again he would not speak to me about the causes.<P>I've built up such resentment thru the years and obviously so has he. This separation may well be good for us but his filing for divorce without telling me first has deeply hurt me. When I asked him to stay home for 6 months to see if we could work things out together he flatly refused saying his mind was made up but that he would see me and talk with me.<P>How do I reach past his hurt and mine? Do I hug him? Do I repeat my request for his return or will that just make him feel more<BR>powerful in his decision.Do I continue to tell him I love him?<BR>In other words, how do I approach a reconciliation without alienating him further. Do I talk issues? Do I ask him to tell me all his hurts? Do I tell him mine?<BR>If he just listens and says little except he doesn't think it will work, how do I reach him.<BR>I think he's still physically attractive to me and he said, cruelly, that I was a good looking woman and could find myself some rich guy to marry. <P>I'm so hurt that I'm in physical pain and have not been sleeping and eating very little.<P>He's out of town but he said he'd come over to see me in two days. I'm a wreck and don't know where to turn.<P>Please, someone help with these issues.<BR>kb<P><BR>

Oh dear. I'm sorry, kb, for your pain, this surely must be one of the darkest times of your life. But you will get through it. You've come to the right place, there are so many intelligent and insightful people here, I'm sure you'll get oodles of advice from them soon... but for now, I'll have to do. <P>There are many many issues in your post. I'll start with the drinking. If you've been to AA meetings, you know the rule alcoholics must follow to stay in recovery: NO alcohol, not even a sip. Because you have been addicted to alcohol, you can't enjoy "just one" the way a social drinker who is not addicted might be able to. Stay in AA, go to two meetings a day if you have to (and have time to). You're on the right track. Have you started on the 12 steps? If not, start today.<P>The next big issue is your depression. It's wonderful that you have been able to place a name on the way you're feeling, too many people feel terrible for too long without identifying it as something which can be treated. And depression is very treatable, it's also nothing to be ashamed of. About one in three people experiences depression at some point. Please believe that you don't need to go through life this way! See a psychiatrist, not a counselor or therapist or psychologist, but an actual M.D. psychiatrist. He or she will be able to offer you the widest variety of treatment options, including medication prescribed and supervised by the same person - himself or herself, which my personal bias leads me to believe is the ideal situation. Discuss the options with your doctor and keep an open mind regarding medication, many people are afraid of it and/or its stigma but it has helped many people get their feet back on the ground, and if you choose to take it you needn't necessarily take it for life.<P>Keep working on these two big issues - the alcoholism and the depression - regardless of what happens with your husband. You need to do this for yourself, and if it has the happy effect of strengthening your marriage, great, but if your H leaves for good, you'll still be a happier, more peaceful, and productive person having overcome these two things. I make it sound too easy - it will be insanely difficult, especially to tackle both, but you can do it! And your life will feel so much better to you after you have done it.<P>Now, about your husband. It sounds as if there are some terribly deep wounds that have never healed. I suspect your affair is one such wound to your husband. I may be reading too much into this, but your word choice may be subconsciously indicative of what happened after your six month separation following your affair: "we patched it up"... meaning placed something pretty over it, without really fixing the hole underneath. The emotional love you and your H felt can be regained, it's not some ethereal, magic substance that infuses relationships at their beginning with such hope and promise but then fades irretrievably. If you haven't yet read on the marriagebuilders website (not the forum, but the website) Dr. Harley's concept of the Love Bank, please go do so now. It will give you hope and a plan, both of which you are in desperate need of. You and your husband need to work together to learn to meet each other's emotional needs, and banish your love busters. Once you do, the emotional love will return as your love bank balances can grow. I know that sounds like so much psychobabble, but the concepts really are helpful in understanding what happens in relationships. Have you shown or discussed Dr. Harley or the website with your H? Is he amenable to this form of counseling? (primarily self-driven, although Steve Harley does offer phone counseling to couples, which I've never done but heard from others is very helpful) Sit your H down and give him a big dose of your giver (another Harley concept). Tell him you know your marriage has gotten off-track, but that you believe your love can be restored, and ask him to help you try. Don't be afraid to reveal to him your love for him and your sadness that your marriage is in such trouble. So often couples are afraid to be vulnerable with each other because they develop hair-trigger responses to feeling attacked (the result of inevitable arguments in married life). If he sees you're vulnerable, he may feel safer and more willing to be vulnerable too. <P>I really hope this helps. Keep posting, and let us know how it goes.

younglove, you seem to have picked up on my problems. At this point I am positive that my husband would not consider any form of counseling. . . he's just not interested and I believe he would not want to admit to anything if formally asked to do so. Yes I've read Dr. Harley's site and that what has given me the hope that I have. And the responses from you and colorwheel have helped . I am still confused as to how to approach him. He says he'll come over when I want him to but I fear he is just placating me. He can be very cold when he wants to be. <BR> I am thinking of leaving the city for a few days to avoid him when he returns. Is this wise? I'm just in too deep of a depression to handle a civil discussion and I fear I'll break down and beg him to come home which I think would not be wise. He's staying with his brother for the time being and I can always get in touch with him.<P>Can someone give me some concrete advise, like a step by step plan to follow? I'm totally at sea right now and my mind is muddled. I just came back from another AA meeting and know that I'm on the right track there. But the psychiatrist is another thing. Since our finances are shot and our HMO will only cover $30 a visit, I simply can't afford one. Nor do we qualify for any lower fees. <BR>AA may be my only option right now. Therapy for my depression may have to wait. I don't know if I can though.<BR>Please, I'm open to anything and don't know where to start.kb