I'm looking for some unbiased advice. My live in partner of two years and I are having some serious problems. Although we're not married, I've read the policy of joint agreement and feel we follow that. The problem is before we lived together both of our lives were a mess with financial problems and addiction issues. We've both worked very hard over the last four years to have a healthy relationship and come far however, my boyfriend has a terrible temper which I think is still attached to alcohol addiction issues. Although he's come so far with other problems, this one seems to be something he still can't or won't avoid. In the past things were pretty volatile and at times I feared my safety. But for the last year or so they have gotten better. Under usual circumstances I don't fear him but when he gets angry and is drinking, I find myself truly afraid. He does not strike me but shouts and berates me. He thinks my fear is unreasonable and that I should forgive and forget his mistakes the next day. After all, we all mess up now and again, but I can't seem to do that anymore and even though the fights are nothing in intensity to what we had before we both worked on our issues they still deeply trouble me and I believe keep me from committing to a legal marriage. By the way, we've taken and discussed the emotional needs questionnaire and seems to very compatible in most areas.

Sounds like you may have to take that tough-love stance. Decide what you want in this relationship, and what you don't want. I think a very valid point is that you have feared for your safety. Do you want a relationship like that? Now? 10 yrs. down the road? 20? Unless he gets help with his alcohol addiction and anger management, that's what you WILL face.<P>Pick a time to talk with him. Tell him how you feel. Then really listen to his viewpoint too. Does it make sense? You are a normal person with normal views on life, yes? How do his comments sit with you? Is this negotiable? Or should you bale? <P>My H rarely drinks, but he has a high intensity level with anger and we learned he is never to touch tequila. He doesn't, by agreement. He curbs his anger much better than in times past. I have also learned to communicate with him better, getting points across without triggering those "hot zones." Well, most of the time, but I DO know his limit. He's a hot head that occasionally throws inappropriate tantrums but would never hurt me. If you are not absolutely sure of your safety, I would highly recommend being ready to flee out that door and definitely not commit to a legal marriage until those issues are resolved!

As an addicted husband...I must say agree you do have to make the "tough love" decision and stick by it. I have my fights against myself I still have to deal with, but without the love and passion of someone who truly loves me I won't be able to do face them head on. If he's the same way I am...he just want's to know it truly is love and wants you behind him.<P>Sorry, have my own other problems to deal with, otherwise I would go into more details. Good luck.

Thanks you both for the advice. I guess I posted this here because I'm really looking for a way to make this work. This has happened several times in the last year and I have threatened to leave every time. I guess I feel like my threats are idle if I stay this time even though there is still love there. I definately cannot handle this happening again in 5 years let alone 10 and I can't imagine bringing a child into this environment as it currently stands, which I would like to do at some point in my life. He is very reasonable and seems to understand my issues when I discuss this with him but cannot promise to halt the behavior or not to drink. His reason makes me doubt myself and my decisions and I have always felt somewhat manipulated in the past when things get back to "normal." Thanks again.