My huaband of two years wants to separate. He is from another country (Mexico City) and moved here 2 years ago to be with me. We've been arguing and I've been crying for over a week now. He's completely had it. He says he just wants to be alone and that he doesn't believe in love anymore. It all started every since I noticed that our family values were very different. This has always been a problem. His family is more serious and independent and mine is very affectionate and loving. I ALWAYS tried to make him show some kind of affections towards my parents and my sisters, but he never did. His attitude used to get me so angry, but now I realize that I was wrong. I realized that I should have never demanded that he be a certain way with my family. I have such a strong bond with my familly and many times, I put my family's needs ahead of my husband's needs. I have also acted very immature. Everytime we would have an arguement, he would ALWAYS come up to me and want to hug me or tell me something to make it all better, but I would just push him away and didn't think about how this would make him feel...All I cared about was being angry and restful. Even though I've asked him to forgive me and I know in my heart that I can change and WILL change, he is very convinced that our marriage is over. He is convinced that he is not the man for me and tells me that he could never make me happy. Usually he acts indifferent towards me, even though I have begged him to give me another chance. He keeps telling me that a seperation and a divorce is the ONLY Solution. I have tried repeatedly to show him how much our marriage means to me. There have been times though, when he opens up and tells me that he's afraid, and that he feels like a failure in every aspect of his life. Whenever I ask him for another opportunity to make him happy, he just tells me, "YOU had me for 2 years and never valued our marriage". That's not true!! I accept and regret all the ways in which I failed, but I think he's being unfair in pushing me away and not giving our relationship another chance. I know in my heart that I have changed and I want to SHOW him, but he just hasn't wanted to give me a chance. I have even thought that perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore. There is so much resentment in his voice when he speaks to me and I just cry and he hates it when I cry. But, I can't seem to find another way to express how hurt I feel. I even thought that trying to be his "best friend" would help. I proposed that we get along like friends with hopes that he would change his mind and want to give our marriage another chance. He agreed, but doesn't stop mentioning our seperation. My heart is crushed. Last night, after yet another "discussion", my heart felt numb and I told him I was leaving for the night. His eyes filled with tears as I was walking out and he took my hand and said, "Please don't leave". I said that I would stay and be the best wife I can be if that's what he really wanted, but he just answered, "I don't know what I want...I'm confused". I came back home this morning and stood before him once again and said, "I'm your wife. We are married, Please give us another chance..I love you so much, I don't want to lose what we have together". But to him, what we had doesn't count anymore. He just sees the difficulties we've passed int he last couple of months and just wants OUT!! Rather than offering a solution, he just wants to end it. After I told him what I had been telling him so many times, he just hugged me. Afterwards, he said, "Just please come home". I didn't want to pressure him with questions or anything. I just offered to make a nice dinner for us and he accepted. I'm afraid to think that perhaps he truly doesn't love me anymore. But, I have so much to give and I know I must sound childish, but I don't want to lose him! I offered to help him with his fears and worries, but he tells me that he doesn't want my help or anybody's help. I have even thought that he is suffering from depression, because nothing he does makes hims happy...nothing. My attitude in the passed months just worsened his attitude towards life. Please feel free to post any suggestions as to how or what I can do to restore his love for me and to save our marriage. Thank you!

Im in a very similar situation. I am from Mexico as well as my Wife. To me the familiy things is very important. I need to know that I am the most important person her, and that includes her family. There has been numerous occasions where she has put her family first and that has devastaded me. <P>As him not loving you anymore, I dont think so. Maybe what was felt before Marrying isnot the same, but deep inside he must have love. It seems as for a lot of us is the theme" What you have done for me lately?". For me a point to start would be my wife reassuring me that I am first. Maybe not only but first. That means taking a stance with the family and leting them know that you loved them a lot, but that your husband is your must important person to you. You are not the little girl or sister that you were before marrying. There is a word in the bible that you must have read that says " And Man should leave his father and mother and together they will form their family"<P>I dont know if the translation is right(Spanish), but this should mean something to you and him. I can tell you that me and my wife understand this so much diferent.<P>She says that "Man" is "He" , and I say "Man" is "We". What does this mean to you? I think your family is always going to be your family, and you can not stop loving them, but they point and stance should be let known, that he comes first. <P>It would be great if we could exchange points of views, as I as well am at a point of either restoring the love and union or divorcing. ICQ # 15972957. Good Luck!<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ginnie:<BR><B>My huaband of two years wants to separate. He is from another country (Mexico City) and moved here 2 years ago to be with me. We've been arguing and I've been crying for over a week now. He's completely had it. He says he just wants to be alone and that he doesn't believe in love anymore. It all started every since I noticed that our family values were very different. This has always been a problem. His family is more serious and independent and mine is very affectionate and loving. I ALWAYS tried to make him show some kind of affections towards my parents and my sisters, but he never did. His attitude used to get me so angry, but now I realize that I was wrong. I realized that I should have never demanded that he be a certain way with my family. I have such a strong bond with my familly and many times, I put my family's needs ahead of my husband's needs. I have also acted very immature. Everytime we would have an arguement, he would ALWAYS come up to me and want to hug me or tell me something to make it all better, but I would just push him away and didn't think about how this would make him feel...All I cared about was being angry and restful. Even though I've asked him to forgive me and I know in my heart that I can change and WILL change, he is very convinced that our marriage is over. He is convinced that he is not the man for me and tells me that he could never make me happy. Usually he acts indifferent towards me, even though I have begged him to give me another chance. He keeps telling me that a seperation and a divorce is the ONLY Solution. I have tried repeatedly to show him how much our marriage means to me. There have been times though, when he opens up and tells me that he's afraid, and that he feels like a failure in every aspect of his life. Whenever I ask him for another opportunity to make him happy, he just tells me, "YOU had me for 2 years and never valued our marriage". That's not true!! I accept and regret all the ways in which I failed, but I think he's being unfair in pushing me away and not giving our relationship another chance. I know in my heart that I have changed and I want to SHOW him, but he just hasn't wanted to give me a chance. I have even thought that perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore. There is so much resentment in his voice when he speaks to me and I just cry and he hates it when I cry. But, I can't seem to find another way to express how hurt I feel. I even thought that trying to be his "best friend" would help. I proposed that we get along like friends with hopes that he would change his mind and want to give our marriage another chance. He agreed, but doesn't stop mentioning our seperation. My heart is crushed. Last night, after yet another "discussion", my heart felt numb and I told him I was leaving for the night. His eyes filled with tears as I was walking out and he took my hand and said, "Please don't leave". I said that I would stay and be the best wife I can be if that's what he really wanted, but he just answered, "I don't know what I want...I'm confused". I came back home this morning and stood before him once again and said, "I'm your wife. We are married, Please give us another chance..I love you so much, I don't want to lose what we have together". But to him, what we had doesn't count anymore. He just sees the difficulties we've passed int he last couple of months and just wants OUT!! Rather than offering a solution, he just wants to end it. After I told him what I had been telling him so many times, he just hugged me. Afterwards, he said, "Just please come home". I didn't want to pressure him with questions or anything. I just offered to make a nice dinner for us and he accepted. I'm afraid to think that perhaps he truly doesn't love me anymore. But, I have so much to give and I know I must sound childish, but I don't want to lose him! I offered to help him with his fears and worries, but he tells me that he doesn't want my help or anybody's help. I have even thought that he is suffering from depression, because nothing he does makes hims happy...nothing. My attitude in the passed months just worsened his attitude towards life. Please feel free to post any suggestions as to how or what I can do to restore his love for me and to save our marriage. Thank you! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

JAR:<P>I hope things are going better for you. I completely understand the frustration and devistation you are going through. When my husband and I were having so many problems, I would tell him, "So many people are in search of a special person to share their lives with and we have what so many people desire...We have each other and we are destroying our marriage". I was very desperate and sad, but I have found that there is no better remedy than learning how to communicate with your spouse. Many times, problems become bigger because we simply don't know how to communicate. We let ourselves get carried away by our anger, and the arguements are endless. But if one of you makes the committment to be a little more patient, many things can be accomplished. Maybe you should go out with your wife to a nice place (just the two of you) to talk. Remember how wonderful you both felt when you started your relationship? Try to bring all those feelings back. Explain to her that you are deeply HURT by the ways she puts her family's needs before yours. My husband would tell me, "All the love I have is ALL FOR YOU! I love my family, but I left them to be with you...Why can't you give me the importance I deserve and need?". Honestly Jorge, when he told me this, I realized how important it was to take care of and nourish my marriage. Feelings are not eternal...Love<BR>can die, but that's why we must keep the flame burning. Another great option that has worked for us is NEGOTIATION. It sounds a little silly, but it is important to negotiate. A relationship cannot be run<BR>by just one person....Both husband and wife have to be willing to sacrifice certain things. And it shouldn't have to be a painful sacrifice, because you are doing<BR>it for the sake of your marriage. Maybe I'm confusing you with all my thoughts and words, but I hope that they help you in some way. Please continue to write to me. I know how much it helps to be able to express<BR>what you are feeling. By the way....I'm not sure if you received my last message, so I'll ask you again...What part of Mexico are you from? Do you have any kids? and Have you ever been to New York? Have a great day, Jorge. Keep the faith...Ask God to guide<BR>you and you'll see how everything will turn out just fine! I do agree that "HE" means "WE" in that passage in the bible regarding marriage and family. Best of luck to you! <P>Ginnie<BR>

Ginnie --<P>Have you read all of the stuff on the MB site? Have you read about the LoveBusters? Have you read about Plan A? It's too much for me to explain to you. It took me about 3 full nights of reading and searching and re-reading to absorb it all.<P>I don't think your husband *really* wants a divorce. He begged you not to leave the house. He told you he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. He asked you to just stay and accepted the nice dinner you fixed. It sounds to me like there is hope. It's a small flame, but try to kindle it.<P>I, too, am *very* close to my family -- my youngest sister in particular. She is my best friend. When I told my husband this, he was crushed. I never assumed he would take it the way he did. I never thought about his being my best friend -- he was my spouse -- a much bigger role to fill than a mere best friend. But he didn't see it that way. And when he hinted about how it hurt him, I brushed it off, explaining it away with a simple "you don't get it". He never got over that. That comment, among other things, has lead to bigger problems that I'm now dealing with.<P>Read about Emotional Needs. See if you can get your H to take the survey. You may find that there are more problems than just your family situation. <P>It sounds like you're not LBing right now. That's a good sign. But it's only been a week. It took you much longer than a week to get to this point -- you have to expect it to take much longer than a week to undo it. The important thing is to make your home a loving, safe environment for him. A place where he won't be hurt anymore. That may mean you'll have to ignore your needs for awhile. <P>Again, read, read, read. There is so much stuff here. And come back to the boards. We're all dealing with pain right now -- it's better to share it.<P>I'll pray for you and your H.<P>Kathy