Hi Folks,<BR>I'm back again. This time looking for more of the good advice I got before. Here's my story. Its a little long.<BR>Last August after 21 years of marriage my H, moved out of our home into an apartment without giving me a clue as to what was going on. Praise God, he only stayed gone for 6 days before he came home. It was a very emotional week for me. I cried til I had no more tears. Then one day I snapped, and it was because I stood up to him, dried my tears and told him to get lost that he realized that I did love him and that I did want him. He conned me Folks. I accepted him back into our marriage. Even tho he had me convinced that everything was my fault. <BR>I read everything I could get my hands on, got advice from lots of friends, we went to a marriage retreat. Even went so far as to renew to ourselves our vows. <BR>Keep in mind that not once did he say he was sorry or even ask for forgiveness for the pain he put me through. <BR>Things rocked along till just around Thanksgiving when His secretary's husband, came to our house and accused him of having an affair with his wife. Blow me over. Of course he denied it. He told me that OH had found a card that my H had given her. In which he had thanked her for being there for him, and that he loved her. ( This being when he had left me and for the help and the talks that kept him going during that time)<BR>Until the OH showed up I never knew about the card. Well talk about a stab in the heart. I think that is when the distrust started. That and when ever I came to the office they were always sitting close by at the computer and when I walked in they would jump like guilty ppl.<BR>Soon after that she stopped working as much.<BR> <P>Now my H has never been one of those romatic type of H and I realized long ago that I never would recieved gifts other then on holidays and some times not even then.... <BR>One of things that he was supposed to do after the retreat was to buy me a rose an put it on my car seat for me to find. Which he finally did 3 months later. I was on cloud 9 . At least I was until I went to the office . ( I have to work there too some) That day the secretary was there too. I was busy filing some papers and pulled open a cabinet that we don't use much and low and below was another rose. This time it wasn't mine. Thats kick 3 that I got. Since he had left me one of the things I had worked really hard on was communication and not holding back any of my emotions. If something was troubling I would talk to him about it. The rose did. Earlier he had made mention that he was thinking of buying one for his Aunt that was having some problems. Even asked me if I thought it was ok. I told him yes. It was after he had left that I found the rose hidden. The SEC looked guilty when I found it and even tried to say it was mine. I called him up and asked him if he had gotten the rose for his Aunt yet and he told me NO. I was so mad I hung up on him. I put the rose in the frig. I then went and confronted him about. I wanted to know if he had brought it for his SEC and he told me No that it was his Aunts. He was lying to me. I knew in my gut it was the SEC. I just couldn't prove it. He did get one for the Aunt but not that one. <BR>Here lies the problem. Yesterday after having been off work for almost 2 months ( maybe she worked about 20 hours in that time the SEC shows up for work for a few hours to help him clear up some things. Well I have to go in to do something and I found a Valentine Card on her desk slightly hidden by some papers. I glanced at it. Put it back then decide to read it. <BR>What I read make me sick. My stomach knotted up and then calmed down. It could be mine. It had no name on it. So I let it drop. I didn't say anything. But later I had to go back and the card was missing.<BR>I am not a snoopy person but I looked around and didn't find it among my husbands things.<BR>Get this. Haven forgotten to shredd something I was digging a paper out of the shredder when I spotted the red env. that the card had been in. Then I saw some of the note. I then looked and found the card. Not just shredded but cut into the tinyest pieces of paper. The card was the SEC.'s.<BR>I later confronted my H and he said that he had given it to her as a joke so that her H would come and try to beat him up. And that she didn't like the joke and he guessed that she had shredded it. I was supposed to accept that explaination. I was supposed to believe that my H wasn't having an affair with the SEC. You tell me, What would you believe. Would you be able to trust him again. Last night he finally said he was sorry for leaving me. Then he said that he would forgive me if I would forgive him. <BR>Sorry but I turned my back on that one. I then turned back and asked what I needed forgiveness on. What had I done in the past 7 months other then be the wife he told he wanted. I had not been caught giving love letters and roses to my SEc. I mean how many times does a person have to be kicked in the gut for them to lose trust in their mate. I told him that I couldn't even look into his eyes because all I saw was guilt looking back at me. <BR>BTW I even talked to the SEC about the card. She told me that he had told her that it was mine and what did she think about it. She also said he shredded it, that she didn't. Some one is lying... I told my H what she said. I told him that I was going to finish my little talk with the sec in the morning and I was going to find out who is lying to me and why.<BR> <BR>Help me folks , I know it was a long story and I apolized. Tell me what to do. <P>

i say ask him point blank...does he want the rest of his life, old age and all, to be with you. Or does he want to take his chances of having life with no one at all. Marriage is a life long devotion. Hopfully he makes a decision to be with you, and that you can forgive him. But make sure he knows that if he faulters, that it's over! You will find another loving man...and make that known to him!

Thanks Mickeyddd,<BR>Its funny you should say that. This morning when I woke up, it came to me that unless I let him know where he stands with me, and what I expect from our marriage I was never going to be able to allow myself to be happy.<BR>Its something I had been thinking of. When he left me 7 months ago, he says it was because he needed to be alone and to think about us. I have done nothing but think about us when we are together, when I am alone. I am to the point that I am depressed about the future with or without him. I am not happy even when I am with him now. <BR>So today I told him I was giving us until April 1st. If by then I can't trust him again in my heart I was leaving. I shocked him. I had never done anything like that before.<BR>I may just be leaving him for a short while or for good. I don't know. I pray that the Lord will guide me in this. I will give us a fair chance. I love him but lately my thoughts have been on whether I love him for the right reasons or if its because I am scared to make a change or to be alone.<BR>But the main thing is that I did let him know that I expect more from our relationship. That I can't be the glue if he won't let me. <P>Unsure<BR>