I'm so upset right now I'll have trouble articulating what the problem is. It's blown up to monumental proportions in my head. I need the help of some openminded people to work through this one.<P>I feel so frustrated! and let down...I ask for my H's help in dealing with a situation, and he's not there for me. Matter of fact, it's now HIS problem, and I don't have the energy to lift him up while I still feel knocked down myself. Why does it feel like I have to do all the relationship work??? When *I'm* fine, everything else is. When I thunk, he thunks harder. That's not fair! (I know, who said life was fair.) When do *I* get to thunk and get help??? Heaven forbid I ever let some negative emotions out and stupidly expect assistance from my "other half." <P>Here's the scenario--I'll try to type less muddled than my brain feels right now. There's a KISS concert in April. H and I both like KISS; we want to go. Well, that's the extent of our common ground for this go-round. Enter the background confusions for understanding--H is a bartender in a strip club. That has its own underlying problems and I've posted about it before...now, continuing on track here....H mentioned his DJ-friend at the club and his GF (a waitress there, no, I don't particularly like her due to an introduction w/what appeared to be strong interest in my H and disrespect toward me--my upset brought H to her defense--that is more resolved now than not, uh, I think)going with us to the concert. Then tonight, he mentioned a friend/bar patron possibly going with us (who deals drugs and has a prison record). That set off all my triggers. I'm a legal secretary for a high profile lawfirm and one boss in politics.<P>I tried talking about my concert worries with H. The same old habits reared up, and off we went into our poor communication cycle. I get SO tired of feeling alone w/my problems when I wish my H would work through them WITH me instead of exhibiting ALL the signs of total withdrawal...which closes me up too! Before another heated argument began, I just left the room and came down here to the computer to start tapping away. <P>We've been a couple for 3 years, in our first year of marriage. Blended family, money woes, the whole shabang. And, for the most part, we're handling all that pretty well. I don't approve of drugs, and rarely even drink. My H drinks some, and smokes pot. Yes, his smoking has tapered off significantly with our relationship, and we negotiated through his occasional usage when the kids are away for the weekend, with no paraphenalia kept in the house.<P>Part of the problem is a his friends/my friends thing. We have no friends-in-common. I am kept isolated from his friends due to conflicting work schedules and interests. He finds my friends boring. From what I know of his friends (when he discusses them, and these are people he's known all the time we've been together), I have difficulty finding redeeming qualities. Judgemental? Honestly, yes! I don't WANT to be judgemental, but I feel I haven't even had a chance to FIND some good qualities about these people and I get to be tossed in a car for a ride to the concert with them with nothing known in common, only things I can't stand??? <P>I've asked my H before to arrange some activity that doesn't threaten me as much with his friends, like dinner out--meet at the restaurant, leave separately, less chance of me having to tolerate drug usage. I only put up with H's light usage because I love him in an effort to compromise. I just asked before Valentine's Day about a couples' dinner with one friend of his, seemingly in a more solid relationship. I figured nothing would come of it. And nothing did.<P>Our discussions of drugs leaves me feeling very perturbed. He asks why I'm so condemning. I say I don't feel I am, people can choose to do whatever they want, but I don't have to put myself in situations that compromise MY choices. Well, apparently I do, with no help from H. He says his friends wouldn't force their values on me, why do I force mine on them? I'm not!! I just wish for his help and understanding--I will not feel comfortable ESPECIALLY if he's smoking with them, and I'm what...twiddling my thumbs just waiting to get away from it and get into the concert hall? I feel like he'll be with them, and I'm just along for the ride. <P>How do I express that for his understanding and HELP??? This is one of the topics we haven't been able to resolve. Maybe we never will! Any advice? I feel so ALONE with this problem.<P>Laura<p>[This message has been edited by Lucks (edited February 18, 2000).]

Hi Laura,<BR>I understand how alone you feel with this problem. With your husband, moreso, here, NEVER!!!!<P>How would he respond if you were to say, "Sweetie Pie, honey bunch, love muffin, (not quite but ya know what I mean), I would really LOVE to go to the concert with you and I know that you do too. I am concerned though that my hope for an enjoyable evening would be ruined from a situation that I find VERY uncomfortable. I do not want to go and NOT enjoy myself, nor do I want to go and feel any negative feelings for you. I am scared that what should be a really fun night would end up as an argument or frustration. Neither of us need that. I really want to go but I feel like the negatives outweigh the positives for ME on this one if we go with Joe Sleazbagola and his lovely girlfriend Big boobs-no-morals-limited-IQ Smith. I am frustrated with our continued arguments about this issue and feel like we are not getting anywhere. I find it difficult to understand your position on this because it is so different than everything that I believe in. Maybe this is why we got together, "oposites attracting" and all that. Either way, I can't bring myself to go to the concert with these sleazebags no matter how hard I try."<P>You ARE trying. You have suggested getting together over dinner, and in "neutral" territory. This has been met with (my interpretation) a non-neutral their world or no world attitude. <P>My personal stand on this maybe way off but here it is. When it comes to feelings, there is not "right and wrong". This applies to your husband as well naturally. When it comes to issues of illegal, immoral situations, there is a more right than wrong situation. This does not mean that one spouse is better than the other but that the "illegal, immoral" spouse has a little more obligation to try to understand the position of the other. To believe that someone who is not into drugs and does not support the participation in this or the people surrounding it should be the "bender" is a hard stance to take.<P>Yet I ramble again. Sorry if none of this makes any sense. UGGGGGGGGGGH! <P>Is there an opportunity for you to go with a girlfriend or other group? Not what you want - you want to go with your husband. But if you really want to go to the concert, is it an option?<P>My gut says please don't go with the group as it stands because as much as you would love to see KISS in concert this time around, you would be more miserable than it would be worth - and with the price of concert tickets, who needs that <P>It must be so frustrating trying to negociate with someone who has little intererest (seemingly) in the win-win way of building a healthy relationship.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Lisa--<P>Thank you for your reply. "Joe Sleazbagola and his lovely girlfriend Big boobs-no-morals-limited-IQ Smith?" Couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. I needed that.<P>When I got home from work, I was still feeling pretty withdrawn. H brought up the subject. We've decided that we are going to get tickets and go ourselves. <P>

Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!<P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

Lucks<P>Couldn't help but cheer for you when your situation had a happy ending!! I had thought about suggesting that you just keep it to the two of you, but wondered if plans had advanced too far to go back. My H does that -- sets it up and *then* checks to see what I think!<P>Congrats, girl. Hang in there! <P>Kathy

Mmmm... Something you put in your post I found interesting.<P><BR>"I dont mind what other people do with themselves, they can take whatever they want... but *I* shouldn't have to put up with it".<P>And yet you say you "put up with" your H's occasional usage... I get the distinct impression what you *really* meant by your comment was.<P>"I dont mind what (people besides MY husband and I) put into their bodies"<P>You do seem to give your husband little choice in things which is not in itself a mistake but considering how the two of you seem PLANETS apart when it comes to some very basic issues... I am wondering how you got married in the first place.<P>If you cannot accept him and the people he chooses to associate with... as much as HE accepts you and the people YOU wish to associate with.... then why are you in it?<P>You will only resent him further and further if you "put up with it for love" instead of TRUELY and GENUINELY compromising... What you have done is not a compromise it is a "will overlook it while I love you".<P>Hope it helps, but I bet it will be taken wrong <BR>

Hi LostSoul—<P>I don’t know if I’m taking you wrong or not, but I’m certainly not taking offense.<P>You misquoted me. What I said was “…people can choose to do whatever they want, but I don’t have to put myself in situations that compromise MY choices.” The specific situation to which I referred was being trapped in a car for a couple of hours with strangers smoking pot. H’s friends, but still strangers to me. If they’re going to smoke pot, that IS their choice, but I can choose not to ride in a car with ‘em. H and I have come to terms with that difference—an established consideration—but hey, people in a car, let’s not gang up on me, okay? <P>Strangers = key word here. I don’t know these people. If H is going to continue to spend time with them and wants my agreement, I would like to sometimes be included in a way that is considerate of my feelings also. I try to give him that same courtesy. I’m sure he DOES feel stuck between a rock and a hard place when we don’t negotiate through things. I do too. <P>You said in your post, “If you cannot accept him and the people he chooses to associate with…as much as HE accepts you and the people YOU wish to associate with….” I accept him (we both lovebust, and obviously pot smoking itself IS a lovebuster to me). Maybe I could accept the people he chooses to associate with if I, uh, knew them. H has been over to a guy friend’s house (the couple I’d like to go out to dinner with sometime) several times, and I haven’t even met them. Now, this kinda bothers me. Wouldn’t it you? As for MY friends, he doesn’t “accept” them any better. It’s something we need to work on Sometimes it’s interesting to ponder—while I’d like to get to know his friends better in a situation where I feel comfortable, he’d rather not have a thing to do with mine. So who’s trying and who’s not? It’s debatable both ways. <P>What I would like to do is explore things we both have in common, instead of concentrating on our differences (we seem planets apart, huh). Our time together is so limited anyway. <BR>