My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. He has a temper from hell and so do I. I always manage to push his buttons and make him made and I haven't been able to control them.. Two years ago, I lost my sister to sucide and a little over a year ago, I lost my dad to a fighting battle of Lung Cancer. Ever since then I have been very tempermental and dont know how to control it. I love him to death and I am scared that he is going to leave me.. He has tried to choke me before, but my brother-in-law saved me.. it was my fault..we for the most part have a great marriage, except when we argue, then he calls me names. As a child he had a bad experience with counsling so he won't go to one. my question is How do we work this stuff out without having to get professional help?

I also have a lot of feelings bottled up inside from before my husband and I were married. I was raped when I was 17 and he seems to think that im not suppose to have emotional problems from it

Dear Chev,<P>It sounds like you at least realize that the short temper scenario you have been acting out with your H is not healthy. I'm no professional but I think that is what you might need. Before addressing the problems in your marriage you and your H might want to seek help dealing with the anger that is likely the root cause of both your outbursts. If you visit the area on this site under Dr. Harley's basic concepts you will learn that outbursts of temper are "love busting". That web page may help you a little but I still think some outside help is what is needed.<P>The trauma you have experienced in your teens could be the cause of your anger and a good counselor can help you learn how to manage the anger. Even if your H won't go (I think for the anger seperate session would be best anyway) go alone.<P>I'm also concerned about the incident when your H "choked" you. You mention that it was your fault. This feeling responsible for the inappropriate actions of another is a red flag also. I'm always concerned when there is even one violent episode in a relationship. Please seek help. Anybody else relate here?<P>

Dear Chev --<P>I'm with Mudder on this one. No one deserves to be choked -- no matter what provoked it. If this is what your husband's temper tantrums lead to, he does need help. I don't like the fact that he's using an excuse to not go. But like Mudder said, you can still go.<P>I cannot relate to being raped, but I understand it is very painful and the results can last for years. I, too, don't think you've fully dealt with it. While you may never be able to forget it, you do need to come to terms with it and put it behind you so you don't use it as a crutch every time you have difficulty in your marriage.<P>If you really want this thing to work (and I believe you do because you're here), you're going to have to get right down into the wound and clean it out -- that means finding *all* of the root causes for the anger and dealing with them. Then you can go on and build a better marriage. <P>Mudder is right about the lovebusting anger. I can relate to that -- my husband is still afraid that when he messes up (with the OW), that he's going to get yelled at. It will take him awhile to trust me again in that area. But yelling only drove us further apart. Anger has no place in a loving relationship.<P>Nuff said. Hope some of this helped. Hang in there....<P>Kathy

First of all, i want to thank you for helping me by answering me back.. It means alot to me. I know that I have a problems and YES I am willing to write down all of my angers and try to deal with them one at a time. I also understand that I can't be blaming everything on myself.. I appreciate you responding and hope that if I ever had any other problems you'll would help.. THANX!

Dear Chevy,<P>Never mind what your H thinks about councilling, you can go alone and should. It can really help you deal with your feelings, and that in turn will have an effect on your husband. If your husband doesn't like the terms "councillor" or "therapist", then use the term "coach". Maybe that would make it easier for him to go.<P>Take care

Dear Chevy,<P>I am brand new to this website but wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your struggling with the long-term effects of being raped. My first sexual encounter was my rape. I was nearly 19 and felt that the man that did this to me took what i was saving for the man i loved. Not only was i violated physically, but emotionally. To make matters worse....2 years later, it happened again (different man....both men were "acquaintances".) In an effort to protect myself from this happening again, i built up an emotional wall and developed some lop-sided ideas about what i had to do to insure that it wouldn't happen again. Unfortunately, i was married 10+ years when i began to understand that it was a result of the rapes that i was emotionally unavailable to my husband. If you haven't had counselling re: your rape, GET IT NOW. I can almost promise you that there are some pretty deep emotional scars that are fueling your anger and reactions to your husband's behavior. Although there is NO acceptable excuse for your husband's choking you, perhaps if you weren't so angry the disagreement would have never reached the point of that happening. As the others have said, you don't have to wait for your husband to go to counselling in order for you to go. Allow me to share a quote i came across awhile ago that sometimes helps to provide some perspective:<P>No one can persuade another to chage. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another either by argument or emotional appeal. <Marilyn Ferguson><P>Don't discount the validity of counselling. If nothing else, it can help us to ask ourselves some new questions in order to examine some other aspect of ourselves. Afterall, we wouldn't want to leave any stone unturned in an effort to be the best person we can be, would we?