Hi folks... I'm in serious trouble. I'm 28, my wife is 33. We've been married 2 years, lived together 1 1/2 years before that. We've got 2 teenage boys, both hers from previous marriages when she was VERY young.<P>For the last year and a half or so, my wife has been complaining to me that I don't pay attention to her or our family. She was constantly begging me to be more assertive, more aggressive. See, right before our wedding, I had a 5-year career project fold. Before that happened, I was confident, adventurous, and fun to be with. Afterwards, I felt withdrawn, always afraid of being wrong. On several occasions, my wife told me if things didn't change she was going to leave me. She would get angry and upset, call me names, the whole works. I just didn't understand what the problem was. Well, she finally decided she'd had enough. For the last 7 or 8 weeks, she's been going out every weekend with her single friends to clubs and such, often not coming home at night. She says she wants a separation, but we can't do it yet due to financial concerns and an apartment lease. I've realized what my problem was, and finally see what I need to do to fix things, and am dying to work things out. I have told her this several times, and am trying to do everything I can to prove that the old me she fell in love with is back. Problem is, she says she doesn't want to try to fix things right now. She just tells me "I want a separation." It's like a montra. She doesn't want to do anything to try to fix things, and it is absolutely killing me. All I want to do is show her all the things I've been keeping inside for the last months out of fear, and she won't let me. She says she doesn't hate me and doesn't want to hurt me, she just doesn't know if it's worth it to give us another try. <P>I really don't know how much longer I can take this... At her request, I am looking for a small apartment with a short-term lease to give her some time to herself. I already spent 2 weeks at a friend's house, but apparently it wasn't enough, because nothing's changed. I am seeing a marriage counselor, but her work has made her unable to go both times so far... she is planning to go to the next one.<P>She assures me she has no interest in seeing anyone else, and she doesn't want a divorce right now... she just doesn't want to try. She wants to be by herself. I am just afraid that if we separate, I won't even have the opportunity to show her how I've changed, and how I feel about her. I really love her so much it hurts, and to see her throwing it all away is ripping my guts out. <P>I am sure that deep down she still loves me, and wants to work things out... she's just afraid things will go back to the way they were, when she was so unhappy. That is NOT going to happen... I know what the problem was now, and I am fixing it. How do I convince her to give our relationship another chance, before she hurts me so much I can't take it anymore? I'm just so tired of being unhappy... my life is falling apart while I watch.

Well, it looks like I'm going to be looking for a small apartment this weekend... We agreed last weekend that we could make a temporary arrangement where she and the boys stayed in our current apartment, while I moved to a cheap studio on a month-to-month lease. I guess I was hoping it would wait until our current lease expired in 2 months, but she feels the sooner I leave, the sooner we can start working on this thing. I just don't see how my leaving helps us work on anything, except making it easier for her to leave and never deal with me. I am still desparately clinging to the hope that she will give me another chance, but the situation looks bleaker every single day... <P>She still says she doesn't want to hurt me... yeah, right...<P>Am I deluding myself here? Is there any hope for our marriage at all, if she won't even deal with me? God, I just can't accept that... nothing has any meaning anymore, I just go through my days in a depressed stupor, trying not to break down. This is killing me...

I feel for you I am going through the EXACT same thing. My wife left me and my daughter the 14th of last month. She has her own apartment on a six month lease and says that she does not love me anymore and doesn't care about me anymore. All she wants is to be away from me and the only contact she wants with me for our daughter's sake.<P>My wife started going out with her single friends too on her days and nights off. Left my daughter at daycare on her days off so she could go running around. Things for me have went from bad to worse. I only convinced her to to go to counseling again tonight. PLEASE LET ME RECOMMEND YOU SEEK A COUNSELOR THROUGH A CHURCH, OR SOMEONE LIKE DR. HARLEY. Both are counselors that have the mindset of putting marriages back together not out for the money or to split up the marriage and then try to rebuild it. That is what has happened to me, the only problem for me is that I cannot afford Dr. Harley (God knows I wish I could)<P>She is asking for time, I thought the same thing and I have pushed my wife away from me instead of helping her to come back. Just because she wants some time away does not mean that is the easy way for her to get out. She is probably argumentative and stubborn my wife is the same way. Right now she needs someone to talk to someone who will listen and provide positive feedback. That is what I have been and am still searching for, I too have high hopes of reconciling our marriage. Just try to keep your chin up and like I said seek a christian marriage counselor through a local church. Good luck to you and I hope that you two can work everything out.

Guys, I am sorry to hear your situation isn't going well at the moment. How careless of me, I thought only men could treat women this way, but I see now that anyone can hurt anyone when they are in a selfish state of mind. The hard part is that it may take months, even years before the other s is put in a situation where they learn their lesson and how valuable we are. Don't mean to sound discouraging. My h hasn't left the house permanently yet, but I know how you guys feel. He might as well be gone because he is in his own little world that doesn't involve me or our kids. <P> I see that there are some lucky women out there that don't know how good they've got it, they have a h that is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, and I know it takes a lot for you guys to talk!!! I applaud you and will keep you in my prayers!!!

I agree with toddm's advice. Seek counselling immediately. I hear the depression and desperation in your writing. Your wife is being very stubborn right now, and she thinks that this is exactly what she wants--that is, to be away from you. If you move into a small apt., fine. But do not help her with her finances at the existing apartment. Let her see just what it is like to be on your own. You don't have to be cocky about it, just say okay, this is what you wanted, this is how you have to deal with it. She's going out with her single friends, etc. and I am sure they are loading her up with all kinds of defenses to deal with you. I know how difficult it is, because it sounds as though you really love her, and it hurts incredibly when that love is not returned. I hope the best for you and hang tough! Also, there is no shame in going to counselling. Please go as soon as possible.

Thanks for the encouragement/advice, folks. I should mention I have been to 2 counseling sessions so far, both of which my wife was unable (she says) to attend because of work problems. I think I have reached the point of accepting the situation, and am trying to take care of myself. We have had many talks about the situation, but it is basically rehashing the same old wounds, and it is achieving nothing except hurting me and making her resent me. I was planning on helping her with the rent on her place (I make quite a bit more money than she does), but several people are advising against it. I am definitely going to pay my share of our bills we have accumulated, assuming I get some of the stuff I am paying for, which I already know I will. I am not giving up on her, I'm just trying to back off. I can't make her decide anything, and I can't make her love me again. I just hope she doesn't make any serious mistakes with her life while I'm gone. We are planning on keeping in steady contact while I'm away, like doing my laundry at home and such (no sense paying for it). Dunno what's going to happen, but I think I'm finally dealing with it.<P>Still Hanging On... Just trying not to be desparate...