I have been married for a little over a year now. For several reasons, I want to separate from my husband. Yet at the same time, I want to try to save our marriage. So I am confused.<P>My needs definately aren't being met, and he shows little or no interest in trying to meet them. He doesn't seem to care how miserable I am (at least he has made no effort to change).<P>There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about getting divorced, but it's like I am in a vacuum. He will not acknowledge that there is a problem.<P>There have been nights that I came home late and that he was beside himself, thinking that I had left him, but if I ask him or try to have a conversation about our relationship, feelings, desires, etc... he only says "ok" "fine" or "I dunno" over and over. But obviously he knows that something is going on.<P>I have twisted his arm into going to two different counselors. Both times he refused to go anymore, after one or two appointments. He won't read books or (as I mentioned) even talk to me. I feel that we have the "stuff" to have a good marriage, but it seems that he really isn't interested in being married. (although he calls me sexy and tells me he loves me, it just isn't believable.)<P>I have been reading this web site for several months now, and have really been trying to follow Dr. Harley's suggestions. I know that some people will say that if I had beeen following them correctly, I would have overcome this problem. (There has been some progress- his affair ended, at least.)<P>It seems like, theoretically, I should be the one to have an affair, and he should have to woo me back. But for whatever reason, I am not uncomfortable being in a commited relationship.<P>Am I letting him walk all over me, and what can I do besides just leave and get on with my life?<P>

I was re-reading what I wrote. I guess the long and short of what I'm trying to say is that I am not sure how to get my husband's attention without creating conflict.<BR>

Littleflower--<BR>I hate to have to tell you this, but you're probably not going to be able to get through your problems without conflict. If you are familiar with Dr. Harley's methods, you'll remember that that are 3 states of marriage:<BR>Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawal. If one partner is in withdrawal (which your husband seems to be) than the only way back to Intimacy is through Conflict. Sad, frustrating, but true. <P>If you are willing to try counseling once again, I would highly recommend Steve Harley, Dr. Harley's son. He does phone counseling and can be reached at 1 (888) 639-1639. With all the issues that you guys are dealing with (such as his affair), I think you'll find him amazingly helpful. Even if your husband won't go with you, make an appointment for yourself. Steve will be able to help you even if your husband doesn't go. My husband and I have been in counseling with him for several months now and have made wonderful progress. I'm much happier with my marriage now.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Bonnie