After finding out my H was addicted to pornography for years, even online (that's how I caught him)we talked he admited his addiction and I decided to stay. The problem is I don't trust him and can't watch t.v. with him for fear of seeing some half-naked bimbo. Most of the time I am going from feeling benevolent towards him or malevolent. I don't know how to release this anger. Just cause he decides to stay, doesn't mean I have to be glad. I don't want his leftovers.

pyt,<P>Came in for a few minutes to find no one had replied to your posting so I will write as much as I can in the time I have available...<P>I am a little confused about who is leaving and who is staying....You say you decided to stay...then you mention he decides to stay...?<P>His left overs..? by seeing another woman on TV or computer..? what about down the road...advertising signs.....magazines... or anywhere he looks..?? Good God lady..! where are you at..? are you that paranoid..? do you feel better when he is asleep....? what about his thinking..?do you have to monitor that too in order to feel you are worth something..?<P>Living this way must drive you potty not to mention him.....<P>Question is why are you like this....? and what can you do about it..?<BR>Do you want to continue living this way...? if you dont then you cannot fix it by watching his every move and restricting part of his maleness...he will be a male whether you approve or not...his appreciation of females is a healthy response to primal sexual urges that tie into the creation of and continuation of our species...Would you be happy if he did not have any urges sexually at all...? or would you then complain about his not being interested enough in you to feel sexual...?<P>Your neediness is not a result of his behaviour but a deep longing for nurturing loving care closeness and validation of self....and it maybe unfortunate but you cannot get that from anyone else but yourself....and when you do give it to yourself you wont be a slave to your neediness or to anyone outside of yourself....and you can have the peace you seek....<P>Start by giving to you...you cannot give to anyone else until you do...it also means that you will not get it from anyone else until you do.... people will run from you just as you are running from you....<BR>Your problem is not his addiction to pornography if there is such a thing...<P>We all pursue sex as a means of getting closeness which we feel we lack....With that closeness we believe we will get love...we will be loved....nymphomania is an example of this too...it is a cry for help...<P>We invite experiences into our lives so we can learn to become more and to love ourselves....and these experiences lead us into pain hurt depression and triumph, joy love understanding and strength are all a result of this learning...and your experiences with your H is calling you to look within and give to yourself that which you lack....love yourself, tell yourself you are ok...begin by working on your self image and your world will begin to change and you will begin to feel ok about the world around you too...<P>Keep communicating with your H about your paranoia with pornography but dont chastise or critisise if he feels he has to defend himself every time the subject comes up he will retreat from you and you will always feel you cannot trust him...keep talking to him as a friend about your fears and ask his help, and work on yourself, if you feel anger dont take it out on him...it is your anger...deal with it by releasing it where it wont do harm to him or anyone else including you....release into your pillow alone..! gradually you will learn about yourself and will feel different about life around you....<P>I am not condoning pornography nor am I condeming it..I have no judgement either way...we are all human beings with different choices for learning and no one can say that one way is better or worse than another....life is about perception and all perception is personal to the perciever...<P>Take care<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Well, now I want to respond! While I agree with some of the points cossie raised, I think the response was pretty harsh. That 'meet your own needs, deal with your own emotions, love yourself, and the rest will follow' theory is just that -- a theory. I'm not sure that I completely agree. In any case, I'm not convinced that it's particularly useful in dealing with the matter at hand. Labelling your feelings as paranoia is certainly not useful at all.<P>It's so typical for married people to go to opposite extremes. The more you dig your heels in about the pornography issue, the more he digs his in about your unreasonableness, or whatever. Somehow you will have to remove yourself from the power struggle, and objectively consider your own feelings and needs (well, as objectively as you possibly can!). I do agree with cossie in that there probably are underlying reasons why this threatens you as much as it does. This is something you may want to explore -- with curiosity, not putdowns.<P>And now for my mini-rant: One could easily argue that your need to keep your H to yourself is biological, similar to the argument that his need to look around is biological. Really, we are much more cerebral animals than that. We can (and, most would agree, should) control our behaviour -- hence laws, values, religion, philosophy, etc. And it's no good saying that no choice is better or worse than another while, at the same time, arguing that another's feelings, thoughts, and behaviours are extreme neediness that would drive anyone 'potty'. Isn't that equivalent to calling them 'worse'?<P>So please try to use this conflict as an opportunity to learn something about yourself, and the dynamics in your marriage. You now understand that, right or wrong, paranoia or not, you feel threatened when he uses pornography. You want to be the sole 'meeter' of his sexual needs. Personally, I think that's reasonable. If you want him to be satisfied with that, you will probably have to learn what it would take to meet his sexual needs -- this might be a good place to start.<P>As far as your anger goes, cossie's right on the mark. Punch a pillow, go for a walk (or run). My H and I have agreed that whenever I feel really angry or frustrated, I will pop in a yoga video. It calms me right down!<P>You've probably already done this, but if not then please read through the website -- it's very useful. You may identify other needs of yours that have gone unmet, and find the language to discuss it with your H without using lovebusters.

Thanks ladies for your concern. Neither of us were leaving. I just thought about it at times. My husband never wanted to leave he just said he used the pornography at a time when things were not going well between us sexually because I had some female problems. Several years ago, the problem was taken care of surgically and our sex life improved greatly. But by that time, my H had gotten accustomed to using porno (this is his confession,NOT mine)and whenever he got mad at me for something he would use it to get back at me. He says he has not looked at the porno since I caught him and I guess(unless I see signs otherwise) I will have to just trust him. You ladies do have a point, I realized that I needed to feel good about myself apart from him and I have been working on that for sometime now. Sometimes though mental triggers get in the way and I just wish this whole mess didn't happen. But, at least I learned a good lesson about my self. Thanks for the support!

pyt,<P>I am so glad for you that he chose to use porno to satisfy his sexual needs instead of a real live woman, It must be gratifying to know that you at least are not going thru what some here are going thru with... separation divorce etc...and to have come here before you got to that stage....<P>He also must be a reasonably caring and understanding man to have at least talked to you about it...and you a wise enough woman to seek help before it destroyed or worsened your relationship...<P>Good to see you have got some peace from doing work on yourself and that your relationship is getting a chance to grow....To trust him is to learn to trust you....and to me that is what life is about...when you do work on yourself your world changes...usually for the better..keep giving to you...you are worth the effort...good luck....<P><BR>Josephina,<P>One comment on your post...<P>"That 'meet your own needs, deal with your own emotions, love yourself, and the rest will follow' theory is just that -- a theory"<P>Theory for you perhaps not for the many I have counselled and helped over the last 20 years including myself and my family who have been thru infidelity betrayal separation and the long recovery process to a happy peaceful and balanced relationship void of all previous problems that plagued it, so its no theory to me...and if it can help others who cares, the only one who can make that judgement is the receiver...<P>blessings<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....