I think I have made a terrible mistake... I am 21 years old and I just got married for the 2nd time. I married my first H just after turning 17. We divorced 8 mos. ago, after a 3 1/2 yr marriage. I allowed him to abuse me in many, many ways but stayed because I was "so in love". My 2nd H is wonderful. He and my 20 mo. old son love eachother very much. He has a good job, and works hard to be a good H to me. However, he is very insecure and jealous and I often feel suffocated by him. We got married after only 1 mo. I initially said 'no' but he threatened that we would never see eachother again(it would be too painful for him). Out of fear for losing this new relationship and hurting his feelings, I married him. I'm afraid I'm not really in love with him, though. We argue all the time, and when he threatens to divorce me, I actually wish he would. I have never really been alone and I feel like I don't even know who I am, let alone who I want to be with. I have told my H all of this. Every time I do, he gets very emotional. He won't sit down to discuss things, he just gets up to leave, promising never to come back, unless I prove to him how much I love him. I always feel awful for hurting him, and do whatever it takes to make him feel better. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like it's hurting him more when I lie... What should I do?

After reading what I previously wrote, I feel I was far too pessimisstic.<BR>The truth is, I see a great potential for us to be very happy; I guess I just feel like I rushed into something I wasn't really ready for.<BR>Now that I'm here, how do I make things better for us both?

It's hard to know how to respond without knowing you. One initial impression is that you seem to have a lot of fear. All of us have fear and it takes a lot, depending on our past experiences, to keep our fears from ruling our lives. We fear rejection, loneliness, abandonment, pain, failure and so many horrible consequences of living. In many ways as we grow up we see the world as a cruel place and we develop ways of surviving. I don't know your past experiences, but I'm afraid that the clinging to the past abusive husband and now a "suffocating" husband has left you with an image that an open, trusting, truly loving relationship is not what you're entitled to. So now you feared being alone and married this man who promised companionship. That's why he threatens to leave because he things he can control you with that threat. Now that it's not working I'm sure he's getting very frustrated, if not angry, because he can't rely on old patterns to control you.<BR>As a sidelight, control is something everyone does to some degree. We go back and forth between control and fear. Some balance the two better than others. Sounds like both husbands operate more in control over you and you respond more in fear. When you don't seem fearful it really confuses the controller. Lie now you wish he would carry through on his threat to divorce you.<BR>So if you agree with my free analysis what do you do? Basically, number 1 - stay in the relationship being controlled.<BR>number 2 - stay in the relationship and do the hard work of turning your relationship around into a mature, enduring, loving relationship built on trust, honesty and openness or<BR>number 3 - leave<BR> If you choose to leave then you need to do the "hard work" of becoming the loving person you were created to be that is involved with people that trust you and don't want to own you.<BR>If you don't agree with what I've said, that's ok. Just delete. Bye, Peace lover<P>

Thank you for responding Peace Lover! I think you're right: I do operate primarily out of fear in relationships. I really want to change that. If I do stay in this relationship and try to turn things around (which is what I want to do), how will I know I am doing it for the right or best reasons (as oppposed to staying for the fear of being alone)?