H and I had a big argument last night, the first in a while now ... interestingly enough, it started with a conflict of views on polygamy. It ended badly, and today I feel in a way as if I had been physically beat up (sort of, I guess, without the achiness, bruises, etc.).<P>What I'd like to know from you fellows concerns this: H went off on a tirade of how I need to stay out of his "other worlds." Specifically:<P>(1) The Internet: from time to time, I have IMed him from work, most often to ask a question like "do you need anything from the store?" -- not to chat. He went off about my "interfering" with a world I should stay out of ... that he didn't want to chat on-line with someone he was going to be seeing that evening at home. This apparently refered also to e-mails that I send him from time to time, most of those being either a forwarded joke, an interesting quote, something I was afraid I would forget to tell him later, or on rare occasion a "thinking of you/love you" kind of short note.<P>(2) Work: He works in a coffee shop, and every once in a while I might pop in, primarily to get a free cup of coffee. If the store is not busy and he happens to be available for a break, great; if not, that's fine. But he now freaks out and tells me that I should stay out of his work life, as if I were coming in there all the time and demanding his attention, which is far from true.<P>He harped at me for not having a life of my own, which to some extent may be true, though I certainly not some kind of agoraphobic freak of nature. Not that I have a whole lot of time for extracurricular activities as I have a 3-year-old and an H with an erratic schedule, which often includes evenings and weekends, and I can't often afford a baby-sitter.<P>But I digress. Am I being too sensitive? This attitude makes me feel so unwanted. I vowed stubbornly that I would never e-mail him, IM him or come by the coffee shop when he's there again -- this only made him yell at me that I just didn't understand. Do any of you guys have a take on this????

MzPen:<P>Well, I'm not a man, but reading your post I couldn't help but feel your H's behavior is a red flag that something's wrong. In "Harleyspeak": when couples develop separate spheres, their lives are likely to grow in separate directions and they become, over time, housemates instead of lifemates.<P>I'll sit back and see what type of male response you get.

Oh, yeah, something's wrong ... he's obsessed with a 19-year-old girl who he just found out has been dating someone her own age for the past six weeks. Kind of blew the fantasy world he thinks he's hiding from me. I think what precipitated this blow-up was that I had IM'ed him that afternoon to ask how a job interview had gone, and I guess he must've been wrapped up in his fantasy internet world at the time and didn't appreciate the interruption.<P>Guys?

Mz<P>It really sounds like there was something going on that he did not want you to know about. <P>Now, what to do. Of course, your immediate reaction is probably to start snooping around everything of his that you can. This would be the worst thing you could do, since it would only make him more determined to keep things from you. Instead, what I think you should do is to respond to this by being the most wonderful wife you can, doing whatever it takes to meet all of his needs. Believe me, I know that this is the last thing you feel like doing, but often the last thing you want to do is the very thing that should be done. Of course, I am no expert, but that is my opinion. <P>May the Lord Bless you and Keep You.<BR>John

Sorry, MzPen, to jump in, but I wanted to ask John a quick question about his response...<P>if a W were to respond to her H's questionable behavior by being the most wonderful W possible and meeting all his needs, as you suggest, wouldn't the H then feel like he can do whatever he wants and "get away with it"? <P>While I recognize the wisdom of your words, I would be (am) afraid to implement them in my own situation for fear my efforts would be taken advantage of...

younglove, in your situation and probably in many I think you are right. In my case, I think John's hit it about right -- had I been the best wife I can be prior to his EA, I truly believe there wouldn't have been an EA. Now if I could just figure out how to get him to be the best H he can be! Plan A, guys.<BR>

Younglove,<P>Your Question was, "if a W were to respond to her H's questionable behavior by being the most wonderful W possible and meeting all his needs, as you suggest, wouldn't the H then feel like he can do whatever he wants and "get away with it"?"<P>My answer is that this is a possibility. However, in order for that to happen, the husband would have to be a really self-centered and hateful person. My belief, and it appears that Mz would agree, is that when a wife begins to act this way, even if her husband is in an affair, her husband will begin to realize that his needs are being met, and will begin to respond in a positive manner. <P>The hardest thing in any relationship is to do what you know is right when the other person is doing the wrong thing. It means that you have to let go of your anger. I recently heard that holding on to your anger is just like holding onto a red-hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone; the one holding the coal is the one who gets burned. <P>My opinion is that when you refuse to respond to negative behavior with a negative reaction, you do not change that person, you change yourself. As you change yourself, the other person is forced to change. So, I guess my answer to your question is that when a husband acts in a wrong manner, and his wife responds by being the best wife she can be, she is refusing to allow her husband's behavior to dictate what kind of wife she will be. <P>Also, to change your question a little bit, "if a husband were to respond to his wife's questionable behavior by being the most wonderful husband possible and meeting all her needs, wouldn't the wife then feel like she can do whatever she wants and "get away with it"? <P>The answer to the question would be exactly the same. A husband who wants to save his marriage would need to pursue the same strategy, with the same risks and possible rewards. He also would be refusing to allow his wife's behavior to dictate his own.<P>I know this is long, but it is something that I struggle with. When my wife does things that are negative, such as pointing out my faults, she does not do it in a gentle manner, as a matter of fact, it is extremely rude and hateful. My emotional reaction is to respond in a manner just as rude or to point out some of her faults. However, if I really want to improve our relationship, I will put aside my emotional reaction and try to look at her comment objectively, see if it is justified, (it usually is, although the way it is said is not)and if so, to tell her that I will make efforts to change. <P>Anyway, I do understand your feelings and they are justified, but I just know that you have to do things you don't want to to in order to get the things you want. Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

John,<P>Thank you. You truly gave me something to think about and, honestly, I bless you for it. I struggle not only with my H's idiosyncracies but also the fact that he is bi-polar and is not interested in controlling it with meds (which is, of course, his decision), and the idea that no matter what he does I can still stop ... think ... and do the right thing -- gives me a kind of peace.<P>Bless you,<BR>MzPen

Thanks for responding to my topic MzPen. I read your post and I'm so sorry you're going through that with your husband. <P>I feel like he should not mind you emailing or IMing, in fact he should like the attention but like my h it seems they want to maintain some kind of distance and privacy which I'm at a loss to understand. I would think the occasional visits would be welcomed too, so I can't say I understand this behavior.<P>My h also has made comments about us spending too much time together and me not having a life of my own. My reaction is basically the same as yours.<P>Hang in there.

I'm going through the same thing. Only I AM the guy. But not obsessed with a 19 year old. Different issues but your pain sounds like my wife's.<P>Let me tell you something, the answer is right there staring you in the face, right on this website.<P>Get him to look through the articles on this website like I did, and he will be educated.

In a truly thriving and healthy marriage there is no such thing as privacy or not being allowed into each other’s spheres. To structure your marriage with limits on what part of your lives that the other can be a part of is nothing more than designing a marriage plagued with incompatibility.<BR> <BR>Bob has a good point about this being a matter of education. Studying healthy marriages and learning about what components are in-place is invaluable information.<P>Dr Harley has an article just on this subject. Look under the heading “The Man’s House”<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5030_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5030_qa.html</A> <P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

If my husband rudely comments on something about me I don't see any reason not to assert myself. Many people play this game to see if the person respects themselves enough to defend themselves. If your husband is rude to you I see no reason not to defend yourself. The objective is for you to define what "being the best wife" is. My definition does not look like everyone else's. My husband must know he has hurt me and continuing his rude behavior may have a permanently devastating consequence. <BR>Were my husband to tell me to stay out of his world I would. I would tell him I will be living in my world until he decides he needs me again, but don't wait too long because he may lose a priceless soulmate. I may even want to give him a deadline, but only if I had every intention of sticking to it. There is nothing more attractive than a person who cares about themselves. If you become less available, watch how your husband starts to beat a path to get to you. Good luck whatever you decide. Peace lover.

It’s our job to protect our spouses from ourselves. If we were placed in a situation where we feel that we need to defend ourselves we are reacting to our spouse’s LB. Defense would most often be a reaction that would fuel the fire. Both spouses working together to eliminate their LB would be the most productive plan of action. Cut it off at the pass so to speak.<P><P>------------------<BR>Scott